Singing 4 My Supper

Are you stocking stories?

2012-02-07T10:28:00.002-09:00

I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth". and I have to say it has been resonating with me. The idea that really hit me was the concept of a "Pain-body". The idea that we are all born with some DNA-like human pain of regret or shame or...undefined pain. It can cause some babies to cry and cry for no reason. It can cause normal people to look at life and seize upon the unkind word, the feelings of shame and holding onto stories that hold deep emotion. Mr. Tolle says that the emotion is something to sit with ...to allow. It's the story connected to it that is unnecessary and what feeds the "Pain- body".

We all do it. A memory of some slight or action against you that can bring that pain and emotion to the surface in an instance when you recall it. Or something someone said that you replay over and over...even if the incident happened 20 years ago. The body, not knowing the story is 20 years old, reacts as if it were the now, happening this moment. How can that be good for us??

On the eve of my 50th birthday - one that make me fully an adult (and I can't tell you why I feel that way) I am pledging to stop the stories in my head. To take the emotion, when it comes up, and sit in it. To take a moment to examine it and to think through the possible trigger. TO TAKE A MOMENT TO NOTE THE DATE OF THE INCIDENT.

I don't know about you but that was a big point for me to understand. What do you think?

Weird Space

2012-01-31T09:44:00.002-09:00

I'm in a weird space. (Say, anyone ever wonder why the I before E rule doesn't apply to "weird"?)

Anyway....! Ever have this feeling..? A shame ball in your stomach? And it just shows up. You have not done anything bad per se. Yet, this feeling covers over you...

I recently found a friend of mine. Someone I was very close to 30 years ago. I have thought of this person, from time to time, and wondered...what is she doing these days? Found her. On Facebook even! I sent a quick message...no reply. Through my post another friend contacted her - reply!

Now somewhere in the ether of my youth there was a time where this person had suspicions about me that were false. I think the reason she has not responded to me is...she still believes I acted against her...with her then husband. Oddly enough, I had a great working relationship with this man because we did not have any "involvement". Here's the kicker...I am feeling shame..! Why? Because her incorrect assessment diminishes me. Yet, if it is a basic untruth...how can it?

So what is it? I think there must be some "shame ball" (my made up concept) that is planted in each of us. For some, it remains small and only occasionaly makes it's presence known. In others, it grows out of control like a cancerous tumor. I know the emotion comes from my head but I feel it in my gut. Like I am about to called to principal's office. I cannot control my friend's thought process - obviously. I guess this emotion is mixed with a dusting of sadness. She has not thought about me and therefore, our friendship all those years ago was not as close and deep as I remembered it to be.

Now who had the incorrect assesment, eh?

Closing night of "Joseph..."

2012-01-23T06:08:00.002-09:00

Well we have closed yet another show. "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" was a success for many reasons. The company branched out to another location and we enjoyed being in a real theater! The Berman Center for the Performing Arts was fantastic and we made the most of the experience. The cast had a great time, the crew did well and we will be back!

The best part of it was the chance for Mal and I to work together. I was the Stage Left Stage Manager and she was my right hand man..er...uh..gal! I am blessed to share these kinds of experiences with my blossoming tween! The last photo is of Cathy, one of our narrators and my "sister" and Lauryn, our creative director's daughter. Thanks ladies!

Amazing footage

2011-12-20T05:16:00.002-09:00

For many years, my mother donated money, in my honor, to this wonderful organization. Enjoy and, if you are like me, shed a tear over the sheer beauty of the moment!

For my mum...

2011-10-25T04:50:00.001-08:00

The last two scenes of "Gypsy"

2011-10-23T16:44:00.001-08:00

Rosh Hashanah

2011-09-29T09:41:00.003-08:00

Self-examination and repentance is an integral part of what makes us human and able to move in our world. I will be thinking, today, on how I can be better and to think back over those I have wronged.

I am sorry if you are one that I have wronged. I was probably listening with my ears and not my heart. I am working to be a better listener to what you say ...and to what you leave unsaid.

Last day of Summer

2011-09-05T06:13:00.004-08:00

Yup, it's Labor Day! And. true to Michigan's changeable weather, it is a full 30 degrees cooler than Friday or Saturday. Whoa! Mother Nature is really reigning us in to gear up for the start of School and Fall.

I spent the early morning, as I have for awhile this summer, on my porch. With a cup of strong coffee in one hand and a good book in the other ("In Spite of Myself - a Memoir") I sat with my yoga blanket over my knees and drank (!) in the cool, quiet air. So still. Sigh. Really, really nice.

I thought about my parents and how they loved to sit out here. I miss them. I thought about my friend, Kimber, who would have caught up to me tomorrow - her 49th birthday - and how we will visit her grave instead of having cake together.

I thought of the summer happenings...

My first garage sale and how fun (and work!) it was. Shared it with my friend, Nicole, and how that really jump started our friendship.

Music Sunday when the JAPC choir rocked out with some amazing music and how wonderfully my husband conducted and kept us under control.

My new glasses - after alot of years - replacing my little blue number.

Seven weeks of Summer Theatre Camp at the Barn and out in Milford.

The fun of hanging out with the Warner Clan over the 4th of July and all of us at the Quonset - inside and out! The boat ride with Kori and the cousins. The fireworks over Traverse Bay. Hanging with Adam, Mal and Steve at the Lake. Meals at Rolling Farms Cafe, Flap Jack Shack, Sleders and Amical!

MOOMERS!

Mallie and I being part of a film - "I Hope You'll Smile" - and hanging out with the Edwards Family. What a nice evening of crying! (We were part of a funeral scene.)

Stephen playing L'Inferno at the Traverse City Film Festival and the feeling of walking up to the theatre and seeing his name on the marquee!

Mallie starting cello lessons.

Anna's mum's funeral - all those amazing quilts displayed that her mum made coupled with a really lovely service. Add in the wonderful afternoon spent with Jeanne and Kathie at the St. Clair Inn.

Doing "Dream Dinners" with Mallie and making 48 portions in 2 hours! Fun.

Attending a little going away party for Julie C. and enjoying the company of our church family.

Women's Sunday and the lovely evening spent at Marieke's house - finding out what I want to be when I grow up! Totally jamming at 80!

Stephen and I,in concert, in Indian Village's Centennial Park on a lovely, breezy afternoon/evening. Eleven songs back-to-back!!

The lat three days of August with Mal and Q: Torch Lake and sleep over at Kori's. (The two of them tubing, Q. kissing Max and a long slow drag across the lake, feeling so deliciously relaxed that I put slugs to shame!) Showing Q Leland and eating my final "South Shore on Pretzel bread" of the season. Hiking to the beach of Pyramid Point, coming to the quiet, deserted, pristine beach, skinny dipping in broad daylight. (My child says she is scarred for life and we have the pictures to prove it!) Moomers, of course. The Woodland Herb Farm,(Just south of Northport. A place in business for 37 years and I think I have stopped there almost every summer of those years!) shopping at Jaffe's. Then toddling over to Black Star Farm Winery for a great lunch at Hearth and Vine with Kori and Tony. Yum! Walking around Suttons Bay and driving past the amazing Japanese house!

And here we are. Savouring the last morning and the amazing COOL! It will all end with a porch party at the Fergessiens. Food, drink and laughter.

All in all, a grand summer!

A fitting epitaph

2011-08-19T05:16:00.004-08:00

Good morning! I was reading a passage in a book called "Bold Women in Michigan History" by Virginia Law Burns. In a passage about the abolitionist, Elizabeth Chandler, I read this poem she penned....

"The Silver Glade"

Lay me not, when I die, in the place of the dead,
With the dwellings of man round my resting place spread
But amidst the still forest, unseen and alone,
When the waters go by with a murmuring tone;
Where the wild bird above me may move its dark wing,
And the flowers I have loved from my ashes may spring.

As I think about my mother, whose ashes rest in the columbarium at Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Church alongside those of my father's, I think this might have been her wish as well. We did take a portion of her remains, about a month after she passed, and spread them on the beach of Good Harbor Bay and out into Lake Michigan.

I think also of my friend, Kimber, who passed away just a year ago only 2 weeks shy of her 48th birthday. I visit her grave occasionally and I am always struck by the beauty of the cemetery ...and the complete waste of space! I think I may be more closely aligned with Miss Chandler's view. No offense to those who favor traditional burial but it is not for me.

Just what I was thinking today. Carry on.

Just in case you missed it!

2011-08-17T08:17:00.001-08:00

Sleeping Bear Dunes, Michigan Voted Good Morning America's 'Most Beautiful Place' - ABC News

August....again

2011-08-07T07:41:00.003-08:00

Greetings readers!

So here we are again in the confusing month of August. Why would I say that..? If I were to read over my blog entries from the last several years, I would see that pattern. Go ahead and read the August entries ... I'll wait.

Ready? See what I mean? It's the vacation month! Now, don't get me wrong, the Europeans have it totally right! I would like to take this entire month off for vacation. Maybe it would make me a more relaxed and motivated person. But there's the American angle to it. Not doing enough equals guilt. I never quite let that go. Maybe, as I approach my 50th year, I need to work hard on giving that up!

This past week has been a relaxed work week. Sure I have had students but no summer camp work till next week. I have traveled with my family up north to see my husband perform...check this out! And my favorite place on the earth...

Anyway...oh wait! Here is another great link!!

Okay, great! This was an entry that was supposed to talk about my feelings of anxiety of a slower paced month. What it is ending up to be is an ode to Northern Michigan and all that I love about it!

Okay...so that is a better read! Enjoy the links and enjoy sleeping in. I know I have!

SUMMER READING LIST - so far

2011-07-25T06:13:00.004-08:00

COMPLETED (My own personal Book Club selections!) I hope this sparks you to pick up one of these fun books to tuck into your beach bag this season! Enjoy!!

HIDING IN THE SPOTLIGHT - a musical prodigy’s story of survival 1941 - 1946
Historic story of amazing skill and heroic efforts to survive. Written by the heroine's son Greg Dawson, it's a great read and I very much enjoyed it! It covers a most amazing true story of a young woman and her sister who used their piano skills to make it out of the horrors of the concentration camps.

THE PACT by Jodi Picoult
A little slow moving but lovely story of young love that cannot survive one girl’s obsession with suicide. I love her books and this was not my favorite but worth a summer read.

BENEATH A MARBLE SKY by John Shors
Great love story set against the history of the Taj Mahal. Was sad to see the end of this one. This uses history and builds a great story on bits of real lives.

MAJOR PETTIGREW’S LAST STAND by Helen Simonson
Great look into English life and an autumn romance. Very sweet!

ENCORE PROVENCE – New adventures in the South of France by Peter Mayle
More fun in the sleepy villages of Provence. His books are such fun.

MESSENGER – the legacy of Mattie J.T. Stepanek and Heartsongs by Jeni Stepanek
A tearjerker and an amazing story of strength and an angel. If you don't cry several times as you read then you have a heart of stone. This is an account that will remind you to savor every day.

THE SHADOW OF THE WIND by Carlos Ruiz Zafon. This was an extremely enjoyable read of intrigue, mystery and romance and I would highly recommend it. Set is Barcelona this is an amazing tale that takes its' time revealing the twists and turns. A great read!

THE PIANO TUNER by Daniel Mason
A book with an unsatisfying ending. If this were made into a movie you would leave the theater thinking…”really”? It is a good read…just not the best ending.

EAST OF THE SUN by Julia Gregson
Set in India in the 20s, it follows three women who come from different backgrounds and all experience a different piece of Indian culture. Nicely written and a great reminder of the faulty thinking of .."the grass is always greener..."

Summer Traditions!

2011-07-13T09:47:00.002-08:00

Here is how every summer starts on Long Lake!

July 4th

2011-07-01T05:56:00.002-08:00

This is a great shot of Mal and I taken by my friend, Marci, on Memorial Day. Here we are, just days from the 2nd biggest summer holiday and I can't believe Summer is, once again, racing by. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best... We are all feeling like things are speeding up as we go into the once in a lifetime alignment of the planets.

Don't you feel it? Whew.

This Sunday - the 3rd - would have been my father's 90th birthday. What a shame he is not here to see it...but would he have been up to it? He often complained how things were a lot harder once he hit 80. (A fact my mother never accepted until she hit 80!) He made it to 84 before his body gave out. I sure miss him. He passed away on 04-05-06. Easy to remember, eh?

So here we are. Those left behind and struggling to stay in the stream without drowning in it. I hope you can see, in this picture, what keeps me afloat.

Happy 4th of July, y'all!

Garage sale ...and forward

2011-06-27T06:24:00.004-08:00

Our garage sale. Sigh! A little over three weeks ago we held a garage sale. My first ever!! My neighbor, Nicole, came and worked it with me and that was a big help. We ran it from Thursday to Sunday with time off for church. My mother had talked about having a garage sale, the last couple of years of her life. She was really feeling the burden of her “things”, at that point. I was so very glad that she never had to come to the end of the money road. She would have been mortified. I know she was so afraid of becoming a “burden” to us. I always hated hearing her say that.

Anyway, I digress. Our sale went well and here’s the kicker. Because the weather was rainy on that Friday we extended it to Sunday - June 12th. Mom’s birthday! So ironic, eh? We still have a ways to go to get things cleared out. Purple Heart will get a lot of the things we did not sell.

I “Craigslisted’ one thing that I had that did not sell. It is an antique Chinese Wedding Basket. My friend, who lived in Hong Kong for about 9 years, brought it to me, on the plane, when I got married to Hubby #1.. It is a three tiered decorated wooden box that, traditionally, people filled with food or presents to the wedding couple and then presented to them.. I got any email and later a phone call from a lady who said she was a casting agent for a TV show called “Hardcore Pawn”. This, apparently, is a reality show – on TruTV – that is based on a Detroit pawn shop and the family who owns it. They also buy antiques and this woman searches for interesting items to present on the show. Their TV crew films there and this woman sets up folks to come with cool items to sell. They don’t tell the owners which are the walk ins and which are the set ups and so they can film their true reactions. She has asked if I would like to be on the show with my “basket”. I would show up at the place and see if they wanted to buy it from me. Haven’t heard back from her to see if the show producers wanted to go with it. Stay tuned!

This past week, we completed the first session of the Summer Theatre Camp series. Twenty five Kindergarten to third graders assembled and we worked with them to produce a show this last Friday. Mal worked it with me and ran the spot light fore the show! They did a marvelous job!! We both had to miss most of the first day as I needed to get Mal in to see the doctor. She had a bad case of strep. Ug!

Two Sundays ago,Father’s Day,was Music Sunday at our church. This is the end of the choir season and the last hurrah for the musicians till September. We go to a soloist format till then. This also signals the one year mark for Steve and he outdid himself! We were able to pull off some rather amazing music. He put it all together. In place of the sermon he pulled a number of readings and pieces that surrounded the idea of Creation as mediation.

Here is what we did..
Prelude "The Bringer of Peace" Gustav Holst – this was the organ prelude
Introit "Look at the World" John Rutter

And then…. Musical Meditation "Reflections on God in Creation" with readings by Susan Palo Cherwien, Gwen Frostic and from scripture
Not sure if you know the name, Gwen Frostic. (I pulled this off the Internet – it says it better than I could!)

Frostic was born in Sandusky, Michigan to Sara and Fred Frostic. When she was 8 months old she suffered from an unknown illness which left her with lifelong symptoms similar to cerebral palsy. Despite physical difficulties Frostic showed an early interest and aptitude for art. In June 1924 she graduated from Theodore Roosevelt High School in Wyandotte, where she was known for using a band saw to create event posters for her school. She continued her studies at Eastern Michigan University earning her teacher's certificate and gaining membership in Alpha Sigma Tau sorority. In 1926 she transferred to Western Michigan University and left in 1927 without completing her degree. She continued her artistic endeavors in metal and plastic, while occasionally teaching, but with the war came a lack of metal to work with and she turned to linoleum block carving. Frostic then turned her linoleum block carving into stationery goods and prints which led to her starting her own printing company, Presscraft Papers. In the early 1950s Frostic opened up a shop selling her prints, books, and other items in Frankfort and in 1960 she bought 40 acres of land in Benzonia with the intention of moving her and her shop. On April 26, 1964 her new shop was open for business and she lived there until her death in 2001.
Frostic was granted several honorary doctorates from Alma College, Eastern Michigan University, Western Michigan University, Michigan State University, and Ferris State University. In 1978 the governor of Michigan declared May 23 as Gwen Frostic Day in Michigan. In 1986 she was inducted into the Michigan Women's Hall of Fame.
Western Michigan University named its school of art after her in 2007, after her 13 million dollar bequest to the University in 2001. the Gwen Frostic School of Art. While given as an unrestricted bequest, the funds have primarily been used for scholarships for students and for the benefit of the arts and creative writing departments in particular, in respect to her lifelong pursuits.

Her prints are still used to create lovely cards, books and prints and her shop is a lovely nature preserve as well. It was the Gwen Frostic prints in his apartment that first told me that Steve was a quality guy! Mom and Dad loved her stuff and we always went to her place when we went up north. She was an amazing woman!!

"SONGS OF NATURE" Robert Young/Lew Sarett – Two sections "God is at the Anvil" -"Hang Me Among Your Winds" - really lovely pieces!

"FROM LIGHT TO LIFE" Aaron McDermid/Susan Palo Cherwien -"Earth" -"Fire" -"Water" -"Wind"

This was the killer piece. Lovely, simple poetry and very difficult music. Written for a choir of 50 (actually the National Lutheran Choir) we did it with our group of 19!! The four sections examine the four elements as God’s creation without worshiping Creation itself. It went very very well considering how long we had to get it ready!

"The Rain is Over and Gone" Paul Halley - a large part is my solo (It always beings down the house!)

Offertory "The Creation: In Native Worth and Honor Clad" Haydn (We have a great tenor!)

And to finish… Steve on the organ Postlude "Festival March" Humphrey Stark

It was a memorable day and the congregation was so moved. I was proud to bursting over all that Stephen accomplished. By the way, I sang very well too! We were the stars of the day – and humbled by the outpouring of love from our brothers and sisters. It made up for all the craziness of the week. We felt very blessed and very loved – rich indeed!

The one bad note was that Mallie had to stay home that morning. She was not at all comfortable when we got home and we got her in to the doctor and on medication. She recovered nicely once we got some meds into her.

That's the latest and greatest! This morning has been a delight - cool, quiet (sleeping child) a good book, a good cuppa and all is well. Happy Summer y'all!

GARAGE SALE

2011-06-09T17:51:00.002-08:00

YOW! Today was the first day of our garage sale and it was hard work! Two more days and a whole lot more business please!

Observations:
It felt like putting on a "show" - stage dressing and all
More men than women came today. Hmm. Always thought girls were more into these kinds of things.
IT DID NOT RAIN! Big plus.
It's better to do one with your friend...a sale I mean.
It's a great way to meet neighbors!

Keep your fingers crossed we do well this weekend! Momma needs a new pair of shoes (read "pay the electric bill")!

Ever seen "ELF"?

2011-06-07T16:08:00.004-08:00

This is Miss Mal's reaction to her first taste of Good n'Plenty candy.

Kinda like when Buddy the Elf decides that the fruit perfume spray should be tasted when offered at a mall...!

I have to admit I thought she might not like it. It was the chance I missed when she was a baby. You know what I mean. When you give a baby a lemon slice?

Get it?

Need a pep talk? Listen to this little guy!

2011-06-02T16:14:00.002-08:00

Places to go, people to see.

2011-05-24T05:37:00.003-08:00

No time to really sit and write this morning... Although I wish I could. It's so lovely outside my window.

I just wanted to say that I enjoy reading your comments so please, feel free to comment all over the place. It's good to know that I'm not alone here.

Although, I have to admit, I'd still write if no one came by to read it. It's in my nature to want to purge myself, from time to time, and ponder.

Mother's Day 2011

2011-05-09T10:39:00.000-08:00

I wanted to reproduce Mallie's card, in part, to me for Mother's Day. She included a poem.

"Be of good cheer on this day,
as I hope, and wish and pray...
that you know how much you're loved,
by people around us and also above!"

Sweet, eh? Saturday night we enjoyed the company of Steve's parents, brother, cousin and cousin's girlfriend. We met up for dinner as they were all in town to head out of town! Steve's cousin is getting married this week in....

ICELAND!

So everyone - minus us - is in lovely Iceland as I write this. I am envious but very excited for them all, especially my brother-in-law who has never traveled internationally before. So cool! We had a lovely evening of dinner and then desserts at a fantastic coffeehouse in West Bloomfield.

Sunday we headed off to church and then home for a quick lunch and then off to the Farmington Players Barn to see "The Producers." Fantastic time and fun to see old friends. We were expecting a quiet evening at home but...

We had to get a new sump pump. I guess I'm happy that Steve discovered it early. I remember all too well the last time the sump pump died. After all the flurry of activity, we settled down to takeout Mexican and watching "Beauty and the Beast" courtesy of my brother-in-law. We just finished producing the stage show and I had never seen the "real thing".

Sigh. All in all, a good day..and a half! Happy Mother's Day to you. And a special nod to the celestial balcony for my mum.

Take a listen.

2011-05-07T19:09:00.000-08:00

My talented family

2011-05-02T15:32:00.001-08:00

Here is Mallie, playing her piano recital pieces with Mr. Stephen, at her annual studio recital!

Easter...and all

2011-04-25T07:35:00.006-08:00

We had a lovely week, even with all the rushing about. My friend, Anna, posed the question on Facebook.."What is Easter to you?" Some of the answers were what one would expect...

"He is risen...He is risen indeed."

"Well I think that - like religion - it's an individual choice. Either you believe and, therefore - bunnies are unnecessary, or you don't."

"A special day to spend with families and friends, which just happens to be on the Lord's Day (imagine!) which is my favorite day of the week. :)"

"It's rebirth, redemption, saving grace!"
And this...."Just another drunk week-end. Somehow I'm missing something."

I wrote this..."As in all festival days, it is the gathering of family and slowing down to look at each other. I love the whole walk up to Easter. Holy Week makes you stop and step away from the world and into your heart and mind where you can hear God speaking to you."

This was also Stephen's first Lent as Director of Music and he did a great job! Maundy Thursday service was lovely. The choir stepped up and all anthems went very well - after the heating blowers turned off!! We had a great time with our little band of 7 on Good Friday singing. It's so great to sing with old friends. And then Easter. Before our regular service there is a short gathering in the garden. My friend Jeff and I came down to represent the choir. The ashes of members of our church are scattered in that garden. We were indeed surrounded by the saints. We listened to their names being read as well as those in the Columbarium and have the chance to speak the names of other loved ones who have passed. I feel so blessed that my parents will be remembered, every year, and their names read. A little part of them will hang in the air, for a moment every year, in the Spring. Our church looked lovely. The brass did well and the choir sounded great! Even with a medical emergency in the middle of the service all returned to normal and we were able to continue after a few minutes.

Saturday was spent at home and we had fun just hanging out.

After Easter service we met up with our friends and had a fantastic lunch at a Chinese buffet. Just the ticket! We headed back to their place and relaxed over some wonderful adult beverages as the girls played in a nearby park.

It is good to make your way along Holy Week; stopping to pause a bit,taking it all in, slowing our pace to be in sync with Nature and God. I think that's why we have holidays, really. God loves us to be with those we love. To stop and look around. To listen for His/Her voice and notice all that is good.

Thanks for that!

Today I know fully...

2011-04-12T05:20:00.011-08:00

Today is the day I have long been dreading. After months of preparation, my childhood home is no longer accessible to me. The locks have been changed and it has passed out of my hands. If you have been reading this adventure so far, you will know that this has been a long time coming. My mother passed away on 11/22/09. I have been cleaning out that house for 14 months and I was done on March 22nd. However, I still had the key that opened the door. I still had access to my old house. Today that changed. I am shocked to feel what I am feeling. Really? After all this time and I knew it was coming. Wow. Just goes to show how we are never really ready to say goodbye.

Yesterday I saw one of my idols on "Oprah". Shirley MacLaine has written alot about life, love and reincarnation. It was a reminder, as she said, that no one truly dies. I have always believed that and now I have to live it. The reality of it is harder to grasp when you miss those people so much. My parents, my friend Kim....all people that I can no longer see.

My parents' house is empty now. Completely. Here is the before and after..

Sorry about some of the duplicates... I can't seem to get them right so I will leave it be.

Here's a quote that has been rolling around me head...

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Amen.

Onward and upward.

An anniversary, of sorts.

2011-04-05T10:35:00.004-08:00

It’s been a month, or so, since I last wrote. As usual, we are twirling with things going on. My big news is that I finished cleaning and clearing out my parents’ house. I’m not sure this has completely sunken in yet. I took some pictures, that last day, and even they look surreal to me. It was a long winter. Working in the house took its toll. I ended up with a very bad head/chest cold. All those months of working in the cold – you may remember that I mentioned that we decided not to buy another shipment of oil so we were unable to use the heat after the last of the heating oil ran out in November – and in the dust...and in the tears of this project… Well, it makes sense that my body should break down once the task was completed. The mortgage company who bought the house at an open auction has not taken possession of it yet.

What have I learned after this 16 month period since my mother left us? I have spent this time looking at every aspect of their lives. I have sifted through all their possessions. Sometimes it was extremely uncomfortable – my mother’s journals contained a lot of information about her thoughts and feelings. I came across a very large collection of letters. A large portion of them were from a very close friend in England that may very well have been my mother’s soul mate and who communicated with her from 1944 till his death in 1999. I had no idea what large a part he played in my mother’s life. I do know that she did suffer from deep regret that she dismissed his proposal of marriage all those years ago. I know their relationship caused problems in my parents’ marriage – even as far back as my early childhood. I know that he was a confidante and a strong supporter of my mother and the key link to her home and early years. I also know that my parent’s marriage survived for 60 years so I guess the “proof is in the pudding.” Certainly, it was hard to read those love letters – for that is what they were. It gave me a tremendous insight to who my mother was – beyond being my mother. Some may think that I should never have read them. The fact remains that this person was so important to my mother that she saved all of his letters – all of them – and it is a key to my mother’s life. It gives clues to her childhood that I would have known nothing about. There are also all the letters my father wrote after they were married and separated by the US Army. She kept them all. I also have all the letters she wrote him as she waited with other war brides in a little internment camp yearning to begin this extreme adventure of a new life in America. Loads of letters.

Some things I also discovered - I found out that my mother was a very generous woman when it came to charity. Although my parents never had a lot of money and lived very frugally she was always able to give to various organizations. We were never aware that money was so tight in our home as she was such a good manager. I could have used a lot more of her guidance there. I was able to see the depth of her work outside our house in the community; something I was always aware of but never really understood. I didn’t remember her receiving the Key to the City of Livonia yet I now have it. I came across so many newspaper articles and letters of thanks from groups and individuals. The PTA on both the State and local levels. The Library Commission and all the work she did to support the building of a library in our community. So many things.

In her dozens of journals I could see her deep commitment to homemaking, her deep interest in her garden and all the wildlife there. It will take me a long time to wade through all the genealogy work she had compiled over the years. I always knew that she was a fascinating person but now it’s all there for me to see and take in. She had a real interest in the world and what she could do in it.

I waded through so much stuff – and all of it interesting! Telegrams that told me when my English grandparents passed away. Telegrams from those same folks sending their love and support to my parents on the occasions of my birth and that of my brother. Letter upon letter from my English grandparents over the years filled with longing and loneliness to their only daughter. Very touching and sometimes so very very sad.

My mother’s abiding love of food and cooking were evident in all the recipes and cookbooks, certainly, but also in all the articles and magazines and restaurant menus! She had probably a dozen from New Orleans restaurants alone! Journal entries of places they found in the East when they traveled in the early years. So very sad when I think of how little she weighed when she passed away. She couldn’t eat much that last year.

I looked at every thing. I wanted to be the person that noticed all they did and wanted. Does that make sense? I wanted to be the observer so that nothing of their amazing lives would be forgotten. I was the one who got to see their house – bought in 1955 – as they first saw it. Empty and full of promise and possibilities and hope. I tried so very hard to throw things away. I took pictures of things that I wanted to have evidence of and I threw out the rest. It got to be overwhelming after awhile. I worked hard to separate out what was important and what I wanted to keep just so some of their essence would still exist. I guess I have not fully embraced that they are both gone.

Which brings it back to me. I am working with what I have left now and how I continue without their safety net. My 49^th birthday was earlier in March. It was a very sober day, for the most part. My second since my mother’s death. I am already working on plans to meet friends and stay with another in New Orleans to celebrate my 50^th, next year. I have a handful of gals who will also be turning 50 and I think New Orleans is truly fitting as my parents’ also celebrated their 50^th wedding anniversary there. I feel that this is the halfway point in my life – if I ‘m lucky! Now I have to decide who I am without their guidance. I’m sure my brother feels otherwise, seeing as he left their nest so early on. I envy that part. But the fact that I had almost 50 years with them – well it hardly bears comparison. I think this process will take some time. The bottom line to all of this is the fact that I have more questions than answers. I see my lovely parents as full and complex individuals and I somehow wished I had listened more closely and written more things down.

I looked at the calendar just now and remembered that my dad passed away on April 5^th, 2006. It isn’t hard to remember 4-5-06. Wow. No wonder this day I have felt slightly out of sorts. He would have turned 90 this summer. Amazing to think of this as I am writing today.

I found lots of photos and I did not throw many of those away. When there is more time, perhaps in the summer, I will take the time to sort them and make some remembrance books. My mother did well to label a lot of them but I will have to be strong and throw out the ones of people and places I don’t know. There is only so much storage in my house and garage. Sigh.

Gee, now that that is all finished..... what do I do with the second part of my life? Time to reexamine and re-emerge as something beyond the cocoon.

More amazing stuff

2011-03-17T18:26:00.001-08:00

Although I do write for my blog I do also use it as a storage space for amazing things that I have seen. This is one of those amazing things.. Enjoy!

Another really cute card

2011-03-17T17:58:00.001-08:00

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/LTCVMFQuLTUN1K9OQl2e

Thanks for the laugh, Mike!

Just had to share this.... ;)

2011-03-13T15:50:00.000-08:00

Clearing out

2011-03-12T07:01:00.003-09:00

"She was never a salt and pepper gal." This was a line that got me laughing yesterday. I was in the kitchen of my parents' house and passing the time, as I threw stuff out, with my longtime gal-pal, Michele. She is in New Orleans and we were having a cell phone visit - more than a conversation - where we hang out together....via the cell.

I know that this process has been the subject of way too many blog entries. That's the beauty of a personal blog and why I started here in the first place, way back in 2007. This is a place to empty out my heart when it gets too heavily laden with life's struggles.

Ready for a dump?

I am in the last phase of this year long odyssey. Finishing up in the kitchen, I opened a cabinet and found alot of my mother's spices. I have written before about her love of cooking, right? I threw away Alum, Pickling Spice, Mace, Garam Marsala, Mediterranean Basil Leaves, Fennegreek, Anise...to name a very, very few. Any of these have you scrambling for Google? Add to that various vinegars - blood orange comes to mind!

Anyway, I started singing a song to Michele - appropriately county western - about how my mother was never a "salt and pepper girl".... We then decided that women from my mother's era would be called a "Gal" so we started again.

I wish I had written down some of what I threw out. It's those little things that slip away that bother me. After all, Life is made up of such flotsam and jetsam, right? We all understand the big picture of Death but it's all the stuff in the margins that have us scrambling.

Which reminds me. I saw a show on hoarding, recently. The man was helping this woman with her truly out-of-control house. He gave her 5 minutes to grab what she found to be essential. What did she grab? Photos off the wall. In a house CRAMMED FULL of stuff she grabbed at the memories of those who had gone on before her. He looked at her and asked...."Is there anything else here that you deem essential? I will give you one more minute." Stopping for a moment, she shook her head. Wow.

I looked through dozens of old checks two days ago, all neatly boxed and ranging from 1983 - 1989. I was able to find some checks that my father had signed: a bit of a rarity in our household as Mum ran the Financial Train. Sweet to see, though. I was struck by all the charity giving my mother participated in. I always thought it was something she did in her later years but now I see it was an ongoing passion. Animal charities, children's charities, even money given to an organ fund! (My husband would be proud.) .

If there is any advice to be pulled from all this it's this. ... If you are even thinking of sitting down with an elderly relative..."gee, we should sit down with Great Aunt Agnes and record her talking about the family tree or life growing up in World War 2.." DO IT THIS WEEKEND.

Seriously. Stephen and I often talked about sitting down with my mother and a recorder and letting her reminisce about life in pre-war England, traveling here and setting up house in 1950's America, who these people were in this or that photograph, etc.. You know the story. This weekend turned into next weekend and then...poof. The opportunity was taken from us.

Please don't delay. Make that date for coffee or tea this week and spend the time.

Time itself will make you happy you did!

The last time

2011-03-11T10:48:00.005-09:00

My daughter lost her last tooth last night. Here is her note to the Tooth Fairy.

Dear Tooth Fairy,

Could I keep my tooth? It is the last time and something special. So I say farewell.

Sincerely, Mallory

The Tooth Fairy left money and a message...

Be good.
x

If I won the Lottery...

2011-03-04T18:20:00.000-09:00

Organizing the Bookcase

2011-02-23T15:15:00.000-09:00

Who knew it would be so hard?

2011-02-21T10:12:00.003-09:00

I have worked through several companies and charities and am having the hardest time donating stuff! Really? you ask. Yup.

I am nearing the deadline of clearing out my parents' house and still have furniture that needs a home. I got to thinking and decided ..."what about the appliances too?" Surely, especially in my home state, there are folks who can use and NEED these things..? I called one dealer and offered to send him photos of everything.

He came back with.."We really don't see anything we want but here's what we will do for you. We will send a truck out, clear out the house, give you $100 and a donation slip, made out to you, for $500."

Glad he is doing me the favor.

I know that he will turn around and sell all the things to other people. He doesn't want to give me much for these things. I am okay with all of that. But don't make it out to be a favor to me ...taking all this stuff off my hands. Just tell me you plan to make a profit and I will at least feel like you are treating me like a thinking person. Come on!

Nope, I have decided to donate as much as I can to charity and that is very hard!!! I found several sites online. One looked promising! A "Furniture Bank" for needy families. Perfect! They will come to you. Drawback - not in the county that my folks' house is in.

NEXT!

Then I found www.DonationTown.org. This group is made up of regular folks who kept seeing a need. They hook up folks looking to donate to the charities that are looking to receive. I am waiting for a reply from Habitat for Humanity, at present. They run two stores in my area that sell items to needy folks for 25 - 75% under cost. It's called a ReStore! I would rather work with the Furniture Bank but - and OH it's a Snow Day here so they are closed for the day - I don't think they will work with me. I will try tomorrow to be sure. It sure sounded like a great fit. Sigh.

Anyway, the old standbys of Purple Heart and the Salvation Army don't do pick ups of larger items in my state. I have already given a ton of stuff to Purple Heart ( it was my mother's favorite ) but that was primarily clothing and bedding. To date...about 30 bags of stuff!!

I have also worked my local freecycle groups and have moved several things that way. That works great for a porch pickup. I have brought everything to my house so people aren't stopping by my folks' house. That made me feel a little weird so my porch is the best solution.

Wow. I am working hard to do this right so I can feel that I have taken care of things the way June and Leonard would have preferred it.

Any one have any ideas out there? Love - LOVE - to hear them!! (Like this lovely oil painting? It could be yours!)

Loved the sound on this one...!

2011-02-20T09:54:00.002-09:00

http://www.youtube.com/wxdogs#p/a/u/0/4WVTG3dXuVM

Sad Day/Glad Day

2011-02-17T10:31:00.005-09:00

Today my parents' piano was moved to my friends' house. That part is great. This lovely instrument (circa 1930) has lived in the basement of my folks' house for many decades - it lived upstairs in the living room till I was born. Today it sees the light of day as it makes it's way to Plymouth. The good news is it will be loved and played - quite probably by my husband at the next party! I am glad we gave our friends this gift. They are very excited.

So why do I feel like all the color has drained out of my day?

The cutest E-card ever!

2011-02-14T13:50:00.001-09:00

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/gyrp3BpKfJDemlcu

Quote for the Day

2011-02-13T14:37:00.002-09:00

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift! That's why it's called the present"

Christmas Party Menu - 1982

2011-02-09T17:33:00.005-09:00

As I wrote in the previous entry, my mother threw a dandy of a party at Christmas for some 40 years. Just came across a cross section of menus from 1979- 1998.

Here's what she served her guests in December of '82.
With cocktails
Anchovy Onion Triangles
Parmesan Twists
Nutted Rice Torta
Coconut Curry Balls
Feta Dip w/ wheat crackers and zucchini

At dinner
Paella
Kibbee
Cauliflower and Peas in Mushroom sauce
Winter Vegetable Salad in sesame dressing
Chutney Cherry Ring
Cottage cheese w/ carrot, pineapple and ginger
Devilled eggs, ripe olives and rolls

At dessert
English Trifle (a mainstay!)
Viennese Walnut Bars
Cheesecake Bars
Wine and Spice Cookies
Mince Pies

There were 12 guests at the party - a fairly common number for the annual event. Add to it cocktails, liquors and always champagne and you can imagine a rather delightful evening! Here they are singing a cute duet. This would have been in the after dinner portion of the evening when Mum could relax abit, have a drink and enjoy the company. And remember, this would have been a"busman's holiday" for my Dad as he would have come off 6 nights playing in the bar. The Party was always on Sunday nights so, come the Party, he'd play a full week!

Aren't they cute?

I miss them.

The Ghost of Christmas Past

2011-01-25T12:41:00.009-09:00

Well, here we are. Almost done with this whole house clearing process. We still have another month and I will need every moment. We are planning a "moving party", of sorts, on 2/5. Call me if you can help out and I promise some of Stephen's wonderful pumpkin soup! There is still furniture that needs a good home

I've been working alot in the basement lately. You know how you can be sailing along on something, congratulating yourself on how industrious you are and then BAM! I was walking down the stairs to the basement. The light over the long buffet was on and it made me stop in my tracks. I was overwhelmed with memories of Christmas' past.

You see, my parents were not big party people. My dad was an entertainer working 6 nights a week. My mother never learned to drive. Sundays were quiet, family days. Our house was not an open, drop in kind of place - and not for any bad reason. It was a little sanctuary for us of music, culture and good food. Friends were invited over and dinner was cooked to feed those expected for dinner. My mother was quite the hostess but did not like surprises. Which leads me to the annual Christmas Party.

I use capital letters because that was always how I thought of the yearly event. My mother would throw a lovely party for a select few - partially because we had a small house but also because my mother cooked for this party. I don't mean large quantities of food but a vast selection of amazing things to delight her guests.

For weeks before, she cleaned the house. She even painted all the baseboards and door frames so that everything looked crisp. She decorated. My parents put up their (real) tree and my mother lovingly decorated it. There was always a second, smaller tree (fake) in the basement that my mother would decorate with handmade ornaments that changed every year. One year was silver ornaments made from foil and dipped in glitter. One year she used tiny purple lights and small crystal hearts. One year, she gathered pine cones all summer long just to use on the tree. Or walnut shells dipped in silver paint. Real "Martha" stuff was before there was a Martha!

Here's how the night would go. Guests would start arriving around 7 and my dad would open the door and usher the guests in. Back when I was a kid (this was the 60s) ladies dressed up and men wore suits. I would take their coats back to my parent's room and lay them on the bed, admiring the furs and the smell of the various perfumes. Mom would be finishing up in the kitchen. My dad would get down to business and find out what they were drinking. Over the years, alot of my dad's fans from the piano bar became our friends. He was a dashing guy and my mother was smart enough to know that the best way to keep women mindful of his marital status was to befriend them...and their husbands. My godmother was, originally, a groupie!

So my dad would pour a stiff drink and my mother would be setting out the hors d'oeuvres. We are not talking cheese and crackers here. She would make 4 or 5 different things. Parmesan twists or sauteed shrimp were always my favorites. I also loved Rumaki or scallops or ...well, you get the idea. The Cocktail Hour was just that. About an hour to sit and talk and drink - this is where my dad would pour me a Manhattan. Now before you think ill of him I must say this; it was coke with maraschino cherries and a wee bit of the juice. And everyone smoked - or so it seemed to me. I use to love how our house smelled when we hosted the Christmas Party - so exotic. (May remind you of how chic it used to be? Smoking that is!)

Anyway, whilst the guests listened to music, drank and ate and talked the scene was being set up downstairs in the basement. We lived in a three bedroom ranch. The basement was partially finished - the main room and then there were two other utility rooms that remained in their more raw state. As you descended the stairs - complete with a "Rue Bourbon" street sign above your head (this would have been the 70's as my brother was then a member of the New Orleans Symphony and my parents were gaga over the city) you would first see a long buffet set out that was built in to run the width of the room. Like the top of a T, this long expanse would be covered in hot plates and dishes of all kinds of amazing things. There were usually two main dishes and three or four "sides" along with a jello mold or aspic, green salad of some exotic kind and bread or rolls. Various sauces or hot mustard would be there as well as more veggie creations. The champagne would be flowing about now and I would be in "runner mode" up and down, ferrying it all to its place. There was a spotlight, of sorts, that shown down on all the food and, as you turned and looked to the right, you would see two or three tables set up complete with linens and silverware. The room was decorated to be most merry and, of course, there would be music. Always music. The party was never for more than 20 and that varied till we were down to about 12 that last year.

The folks would go through the line and make their way to a seat. Amid laughter and sighs of epicurean satisfaction the evening would flow. Dessert would later be set out and that could be a traditional English Trifle or an amazing pudding or chocolate truffles or a custard or....all of the above!

Then all guests would be ushered back up the stairs to "freshen up" and get a new cocktail. My mother's crew would dismantle all the tables and chairs and turn the room around for Part 2 of the evening. Upstairs, my mother would hand out gift bags to all the guests filled with an assortment of fun things like pretty note pads, cool kitchen gadgets, candles, homemade chutney or jam and always a lovely note. My folks would open gifts brought to them as well but they never seemed quite as lovely as those little bags my mother put together for everyone.

Then, when all was ready, the guests would come back downstairs to make music. Yup, my dad would work a 7th night that week because he would sit down at the piano and play. Did I mention that the Party was always on a Sunday evening? Coffee and liquors would be served as well as assortments of homemade Christmas cookies - again none of the plain sugar cookie deal here! My father would play until someone stepped up and started to sing. The favorites were always performed. Ray, a wonderful tenor, would sing "My Wild Irish Rose", Helen would sing a lovely version of "Climb Every Mountain" or "Ave Maria". My mother would sing "Chase Me Charley". My folks would sing a duet or two lie "Till There Was You" and I would join them in "Lida Rose" or something. I would sing various numbers and my friends would get roped in as well. One year, I brought my lovely but tone deaf boyfriend to the party. He had a video camera with him. I remembered he leaned over and said..."This is amazing. People don't do this at regular parties!"

The party ended in the wee hours when I was a child but as the years wore on and the attendees got older things usually wrapped up by midnight. This went on for FORTY YEARS! My father could never understand why my mother would just kill herself putting this on every year but it was a labor of love for her.

The schedule never varied much over the years. I remember how the ladies would gather in the kitchen to help wash up - I'm not sure Mum was ever entirely comfortable with that but she laughed along with them and thanked them for their help. I don't know how long she cooked for those evenings. I'm sure it was several days in the making, aside from the baking. I can't imagine what she spent on the soiree. All the food and a well stocked bar too.

I stood there, on those stairs today, and I heard the sounds of music, laughter and the clinking of silverware. It all came flooding back and I remembered my parents as they were. Youthful well into their 70s true but these were my parents in their 40s. Twirling and happy to entertain their friends. As I wiped the tears from my eyes the scenes faded and I saw the cobwebs and the boxes and general disarray of the buffet. Did I mentioned that one complete wall of the basement - over 23 feet - were bookcases filled with my father's record collection. And another three shelves of records on the opposite wall? A reminder to all who dined there of the importance of music and culture in the life of our family. The records are gone now. All that remain are the 78s that no dealer would take. Amazing collections of operas, symphonies, chamber music, big band and such.

It was a rich environment to grow up in and I took it for granted. Didn't everyone live like this? I know the truth now and it makes it all the more amazing.

Thanks, June and Leonard, for the magic and the love and the Christmas Parties!

Smile Book

2011-01-17T12:43:00.001-09:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

The slow months

2011-01-12T04:19:00.002-09:00

January and August... Polar opposites, right? Well, here is the frozen north is it! These two months are very similar, for me. I was in the shower, thinking. (My best place to think.) I came to this realization.

In January, things take a while to crank up. We haven't started on anything really new yet. We are coming out of the hub bub of Christmas. The house is in decent shape because it's been cleaned up for all the company back in December. The grey mornings (and afternoons) make one kinda sleepy. One moves a bit more slowly because of all the layers one wears to get through the bitter temperatures! When you take a long breath you can see it as it comes out again...hanging in the air.

August is slow. It's the end of the summer and things are winding down. It's hot, hot, hot and that makes everyone move more slowly. The last couple of weeks before Labor Day are quiet. The mornings are slower and languid. If you are lucky enough to get out of town now is the time. Mornings and afternoons can be a little sleepy, lazy even. Things are winding down and the roller coaster of a new school year seem like a distant memory.

See what I mean? These months are a good time to take a deep breath. Read, write, think and "compost". Once the roller coaster ride starts it won't slow down till the ride ends and we get off, in August, for that warm breath.

Does your schedule have these "breathing" months in it?

Potty Time Bear InThe Big Blue House Part 1

2011-01-05T15:07:00.000-09:00

We were just talking about this episode.... Gee, we loved this show, Mallie and I ....sigh. Enjoy!

Jimmy Surprises Bieber Fan

2011-01-05T12:29:00.000-09:00

Too funny! And too cute! That could have been me and David Cassidy....sigh.

Before...during...and after!

2011-01-04T16:48:00.002-09:00

This is how I spent New Year's Eve with family and friends in Traverse City. This is the 2nd annual Cherry Ball Drop and it was a blast! Last year was a magical snowy night. This time out it was warm and wet. Love that Michigan weather!

How they do it in TC!!

2011-01-04T16:23:00.002-09:00

Here is how we brought in the New Year!!

Holiday preparations

2010-12-20T16:19:00.004-09:00

I am so grateful we got our Christmas baking done on Saturday before the snow kicked in. It’s become a tradition that we get together with our friends, Lisa and her two daughters, to make cookies. We made a slew of them too! Mallie and I had already spent time, earlier in the week, making 5 dozen gingerbread cookies to add to the boxes that our pastors take to the shut-ins of our church community. The call went out to the congregation for holiday cookies to fill 32 Christmas boxes and I thought that would be a cool thing for Mallie and I to do as Mom always did so much baking at the holiday. It was a gift to those folks from the three of us, really.

My Photo Book Dec 17 2010

2010-12-17T18:36:00.001-09:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

This is like a slice of my life and that of my friends!

2010-12-03T09:49:00.002-09:00

Time to catch a breath

2010-12-02T17:30:00.004-09:00

Hallo all. I have fallen out of the blogging habit...for the moment anyway. Life has slowed down a bit and it's nice not to have a major rant. Thanksgiving was great. Really great. Mallie and I got our hair cut. Simple joys.

The day before T'Day we drove up and met my friend, Michele, up in TC. As usual, we stayed out at the lake and that is always so relaxing. Turkey Day, us three ladies stayed at home and cooked side dishes and dessert while the boys stayed in town to work with Steve's folks on the turkey and stuffing. We all met up and had a lovely meal. Later another friend dropped in and we played a hilarious round of "Apples to Apples". Know it?

Black Friday we went shopping - in Suttons Bay. Wheee! Lunch at Boone's Tavern and then a brisk walk along the high street to some of the shops. Very low key and very old fashioned. Loved it!

Michele and I drove back Saturday for our high school reunion. It's been some time since I have seen some of my classmates from the mighty class of 1980. Unfortunately, the folks in charge of the evening didn't think it all through. A high ceiling banquet hall room with chintzy appetizers and a D.J. playing LOUD music and a sound system that would not allow anyone using a mic to be understood did not add to the enjoyment. Here we were, trying to talk over all the racket. And a cash bar you had to buy tickets for... And all for a grand total of $40! It would have been $30 but the website that you were supposed to go thru dropped my reservation so I had to pay the higher, after deadline, price. Grrrrrrr.

Really, it is hard to plan a successful evening for a large group of people. It ain't as easy as it looks. I appreciate their efforts but.... yawn.

I think I'm done with reunions.

Thanksgiving was quiet. I had the morning to myself as I was the first one up. I sat for a while just mulling things over. It kinda hit me that, a year ago, I was waking up to the shock of having attended my mother's funeral. Thanksgiving was a distraction and not all that soothing - it's usually my favorite holiday. Nope, I was kinda in shock. Now we've come full circle. One full year has passed. I can no longer look back and think.."this time last year my mother was..."

I had come to the end and it hit me... My parents are dead and they are not coming back.

Whoa.

Dumb, right? I mean, it's been a year for Mum and 4 years for my Dad. It just took all that time for it to sink in. Letting go, really letting go takes time and space.

Guess I was in the mood to ramble. Thanks for reading.

High School Musical!

2010-11-19T05:14:00.002-09:00

http://www.hometownlife.com/article/20101114/NEWS06/11140439/Hills-Youth-Theatre-8216-We-re-All-in-This-Together-

That's a nice article about our newest Farmington Hills Youth Theatre/Sky's the Limit Productions show.

I am in a much different place, this year, than last. It was this week, a year ago, that my mum was in hospital and close to death. She died on closing night - 11/22/09. Not sure how it will feel on Monday - the anniversary. I guess we'll just have to see how it hits.

Today we are having another weekend estate sale at their house. Let's hope the house can be near empty this time.

It's time to start the second half of my life.

I miss you guys.

An angel on my shoulder

2010-10-20T19:15:00.003-08:00

Well, we're off! I have left my parents' house in the capable hands of a company called "3 Nun's" to organize and ready the place for an estate sale this weekend! Wheee.

Today, I took it slow. As the first day off, officially, from worrying about the house and it's contents, I did laundry, catching up with my daughter's stuff and mine. Geez. Getting there. When I ran errands it was as if my parents' traveled with me. Everyone was super nice to me. And today - as well as yesterday - I was held up in traffic waiting for funeral lines passing in front of me. Today it was an especially long line of cars.

I went to the bank to deposit all the quarters that we got from busting the old plaster pig my aunt and uncle gave us years ago. My dad put only quarters in it. Do you know that when we cracked it open it held $50. Not $47.50 or $29.75... $50 even. The guy at the bank told me he could take them but that the quarters would need to be shipped to another location to be counted. In 2-3 days it would be credited to my account. Really? When I mentioned Coinstar the dude said..."or you can roll them. Here, I can help you"....so I stood at his window and we rolled the quarters. At flippin' Bank of America! That never happens. In the post office, a gentleman offered me his packing tape and helped me tape up my stuff. Sent some fun stuff to my friend, Ellen, that I found in my mother's den. I stopped in at "Bucks" to grab a coffee and when I got back in the car, CBC Radio played a piece and talked about how it had been written to accompany a nobleman "drinking his morning coffee.." (I kid you not) At the grocery store an older woman approached me to tell me how "beautiful" I was today. Truly! At all places that play music - stores, car radio, etc.. ALL playing hits of the past and all were my favorite songs.

Really...it was a little freaky. OKAY MOM! I get it...and you're welcome!

Nice to have a day relatively free of worry.

AND I had a yoga class this evening to make up the one I had to miss on Monday to work at my folks' house. And it's raining! Love to go to sleep hearing the rain.

Perhaps I should have bought a lottery ticket today!

And I love you both so very much. Thanks again, guys!

Like a tidal wave....

2010-10-15T08:50:00.003-08:00

I have to describe what has happened to me today. I have just come in, from the car, and walked right upstairs to my computer to capture this feeling. Grief is fascinating. It is like the stomach flu.... Huh? you say???? It's like this. You think you are over the worst of it and then, like a tidal wave from within, it all spews out of you with such force.

I just attended an amazing yoga workshop taught by Desiree Rumbaugh and it was really wonderful. I came into this room at a local church - lovely room too - filled with like minded people. Maybe about 50? We spread our mats and Desiree started. I was there for my body and hoping it would settle my mind. I am in the final stretch of preparing for this estate sale at my parents and I have been filled with grief - spilling over into the thoughts of my old friend, Kimber, who passed away two months ago. Thinking that yoga would help quiet my mind and improve my spirit, I put down my mat and got into it.

Now, I am a novice in yoga. Many years ago I attended classes regularly. Today, I am not fit and am working toward getting back some of my vitality. The poses were hard but that was okay. There were people there much better than me in the class and that was okay too. My teacher was there to help and encourage me and she was great. Desiree worked with several people and it was amazing. I know that I have far to go.

Something started to slip, in my mind. The carillon started to play several hymns and we could hear it clearly as someone had slipped open a window for a little extra air. I started to cry. At first, I could hold it in but then we had to work with a partner and try handstands. I knew I could not speak to anyone without bursting out into tears which would certainly confuse them. My teacher did come over and work with me and I tried to be a little more together. It just got worse. As we got into Savasana I could barely hold on. The lady, on the mat next to mine, left and came back carrying a handful of tissues. That kindness almost undid me.

At the end of the class, Desiree spoke and mentioned that the funeral was probably over, next door. The carillon had been playing "Softly and tenderly...Jesus is calling.." I had been picking up on the vibe.

At the conclusion of class, the lady next to me spoke to me and offered a hug. I left and had to sit in my car for a few minutes,overwhelmed with sadness. I went full on into what Oprah refers to as the "ugly cry". The emotions overcame me and I felt the cover come off a very deep well of grief.

I know there is no way past this emotion I feel over the loss of my dear parents and my dear friend. As I say in "Lion Hunt" - a call and response game I play with my Montessori kids... "Can't go over it...can't go under it....Gotta go through it."

I am grateful that I am in emotional pain and not physical pain because it means that I can go through it and not have scarring. I know this pain. It is as deep as it was when I went through a horrendous divorce. The pain was suffocating, at times. I lived through it and, later, was able to meet and marry the most wonderful man who is an amazing parent to my daughter. I know I can get through this too. It's just very damn hard, at present.

What will meet me on the other side, I wonder?

As I walked out through the church office something caught my eye. It was a black and white copy of a baby's hand and foot with the handwritten message.."Thank you for being my hands and feet. I love you more than you can imagine. God"

I turned it over and the article printed on the back was entitled "Inspired Breathing". Here is an excerpt from this sheet.

"Do something very courageous, very bold, very exhilarating, and pass the energy along. Be infectious. Lower your voice and lean in to tell someone how awesome it is to move halfway across the country with no money, no job, no place to live. (Freaky, eh Michele??) Breathe in, breathe out, breathe into another. Tell another woman how you left a suffocating job - so she knows she can do it. Tell a young woman about the thrill of traveling around the world alone, so she knows she can try it. Be as healthy, as vibrant, as beautiful, as authentic as you possibly can be, in a way that speaks silently to to her. You can be this, too," Rachel Synder encourages us in her illuminating book of meditations, 365 Words of Well-Being for Women. "Smile at other women's dreams and their hopes, and reassure them that they'll survive whatever black hole they're currently navigating."

Today some woman around you is bound to need a little inspirational CPR, so don't stop breathing. Your own life may depend upon it.

Namaste.

Things

2010-10-14T04:50:00.003-08:00

Lovely, aren't they? These are some of the things that will be included in the estate sale at my parents' house next weekend. The official dates are October 22,23, and 24th.

So strange that October 23rd would have been their 65th wedding anniversary. I am celebrating by selling their wedding gifts.

Ouch.

I know this is all normal...so why do I feel like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs?

Sigh

Solace

2010-10-05T05:23:00.006-08:00

SOLACE

Verb: Give solace to.

Noun: Comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness: "she sought solace in her religion"

This is a picture taken in the living room of my parents' house. I took alot of "before" pictures. Needless to say, this room does not look like this anymore. My parents loved "things" as well as what that stuff represented. Books were a way to travel, to educate, to stimulate, to look out and be a part of the world. Records were a way to feel the sensuality of life, the goodness, pureness of human emotion, the feel of silken culture on the ear. These things were important to my parents and their home reflected that.

Now, they are both gone from this world and all these things are left for me to go through and decide about. I have written here, on numerous occasions, about my fear of letting this all go. Their house - bought in 1955 and where my brother and I grew up - was the once place where my parents could be felt. Going there and looking through their things helped and I was increasingly nervous to lose access to the house.

My mother passed in November of last year, my father in April of 2006. I have had a really hard time with the idea of them being gone from my presence. I felt solace when I went to their house and was among their things. It felt as if they were on a long vacation and would be returning soon. I felt weird going through their drawers and closets, looking under their beds, removing their books and records. It was as if I was anticipating a scolding for messing things up.

I think about this project all the time. I go to the house and work for a couple days in a row and am overwhelmed. I take a couple days off and try again only to have to stop ..again. And I worry. I have some time but what about at the end? It was so hard to see those books leave the house. The records I had to turn over to my husband. I knew I could not bear to be there.

Now, almost a year after my mother's death...I am of a new mind. I have battled within for a couple of months and have come up with one key word - SOLACE. My friend came over to give me his opinion and help with this project. My friend, Robert, is a rare fellow and a great person to turn to when you need another opinion. He is smart, educated, talented and empathetic. In short, I trust him. I needed him to look around and tell me his thoughts. Basically, I feared I was just lazy, I see now. That was the reason I could not accomplish emptying this house. I was giving up way too easily. It was not that hard of a task, right?

He set me right. By looking at what was really there I was able to recognize that I no longer was getting SOLACE. Going to the house was now painful. Mom and Dad are not coming back. Are never coming back. There is no one place to stand, on this earth, where I can ever "feel" them again. I can stand in the chapel at church, in front of the columbarium that holds their ashes, and know that their remains are close but they are not there either. There is no SOLACE for me anywhere anymore.

Now, their house and its contents are a burden. The lovely things are just that. Lovely things. I have my own lovely things. I have already moved out several things that make me feel good. The chair my father always sat in, their coffee table that was always buried in Smithsonian and Bon Appetite magazines. These things bring back the familiar, if only for a moment. The other stuff.... is their stuff. Not mine. (Reminds me of a George Carlin routine. Whatever happened to his "stuff" after he died, I wonder?) Their stuff will not enhance my life or make it easier to continue on as an orphaned adult. These things form no barrier against the big bad world. My parents were that barrier. In the flesh, they were the people who stood between me and Time, aging and the worlds' indifference. They are no longer able to provide that support for me. Their things are a poor stand in.

I no longer find SOLACE in their house.

I know that my mother would be very sad to know how much her things are burdening me now. I owe her for alot she provided me in our time together but I do not owe her suffering. That is a gift she would never have welcomed from me. I do not honor my parents by worrying over what to do with their things, honoring their things, working with their things, selling their things. No amount of money would help.

I honor them by making appointments with estate sale companies. I honor them by taking up Yoga again where I am constantly reminded to "let go" and to let the "light of my heart shine forth". I honor them by performing and uplifting people by the music I can make, using a talent nurtured and encourage by my parents. I honor them by telling stories about them and maybe, someday soon, sharing my mother's stories as she journalled them all those years.

Grief is hard, hard, hard. Adding on to it is the grief I feel for my friend, Kim. Her second grand baby was born a couple of days ago. I grieve for her daughter who can never celebrate with her mother the joy of this event. Writing this makes me see that is it still my grief taking over. How I would have missed my mother so badly if she had not been there when my daughter was born. But she was there, both parents were there to hold Mal just minutes after she was born. Grief can be confusing as it spills over into your life. You keep wiping up the spill but where the hell is the big leak???

I'm working on the leak and well I know it will never truly be fixed for good. I can see, down the line, that the drips will be more manageable. This has been a big process for me. The solace that I looked for, after my mother passed, eluded me. The solace I looked for in their house was minimum and now eludes me.

I think I need to look somewhere else. Perhaps at a lovely Fall day, as I think how my parents loved this season. Maybe at a concert when I have moved people to their feet, as I know how my parents enjoyed being at every performance of my brother and I that they could attend. Certainly at a good meal as my parents loved food and the social aspect of sharing it with friends. Daily when the feelings I have toward my husband and my daughter remind me that they modelled that loving behavior for me my whole life.

Experts say the first year you lose someone is particularly hard. The anniversaries you have to celebrate without them, the seasons that pass without the normal activities you once shared, the daily need to pick up the phone to call and share with them some anecdote or to ask for advice or....solace.

I am a work in progress. Here's what I can do. I can daily seek solace in these moments and work to avoid looking for it in things or events. Some days I will do well...other days I will allow myself grace. This is my parents' gift to me. Their love has given me grace to love myself and to do otherwise would be to disrespect their memory.

I am the "thing" they loved most.

First Day

2010-09-18T16:45:00.005-08:00

This month we (the Royal we) started back to school. Miss Mallie is shown here getting ready to go off to her first day of 6th grade. Fall....sigh. A time of new beginnings. I'm having a bit of trouble with that. I think it's a bit of depression. Never really dealt with it before I lost my dad and my mum got sicker. I'm hoping it will clear up - like Michigan weather. Wait a minute and all will change.

Has it been a minute yet?

I heard a great sermon at a service I attended recently. The day was Rosh Hashanah and I had been invited by one of my voice students. Very cool, indeed. The sermon (I guess they call it that in a synagogue) was delivered by a rabbinic student. This woman talked about Facebook and how one of her former students had found her. He remembered her for her love of the music of The Ramones. Here is one of her favorites...

"I Wanna Be Sedated"

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....
Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

She spoke to that wish that, at times, we just want to be cut out of it for awhile. But, obviously, we can't. Not long term. I just lost a dear old friend because of that very issue. She wanted to be sedated - to NOT deal, in general, with life. I used to marvel at the things that would flip her out. I admit, I kinda thought she was acting like a baby. I understand now that she couldn't get over those "minor" things because she never dealt with the "major" things in her life. Sedation, in the form of alcohol, took her from us....way, way too early.

This sermon went on to tell us about someone she knew who was sober for the first time in 25 years. He realized that he was emotionally stuck at 15 - when he started to "sedate" himself. He never felt pain and so...he never grew.

He never felt pain and so he never grew as a person. Wow. Heavy, huh?

So maybe it's growing pains that I am experiencing. My daughter complains of those all the time. She is getting taller by the minute and is always complaining of her legs hurting.

Hmmm. So maybe I am just "growing".

Well that sucks.

I went to my girlfriend's grave on her birthday. Labor Day she would have been 48. I spent about an hour there, talking to her, bitching at her, crying over her. It was quiet there, at the cemetery. Restful, even. I felt okay when I left. I was happy that no one had come upon me talking to her. I even sang to her. I'm still mad at her. And I miss her.

Growing pains. Yup, I guess so.

Joseph & Tara's Engagement

2010-09-07T05:36:00.000-08:00

After a very hard month for my longtime gal pal, Jeanne, she flew out, for the day, to Philly, at her son's request. It turned out to be a very good day. Congrats to the family and to Joseph and Tara.

For Adam.....here it is! (Comerica Park - May 2010)

2010-09-06T08:56:00.003-08:00

Late August thoughts

2010-08-29T08:07:00.003-08:00

It's a quiet morning and I can really feel it now. It's that long exhalation of breath that always seems to come at the end of the summer. The pace of life slows way, way down. It's a tiny bit uncomfortable too. All that time and no real schedule to follow. Staying up late, rising early, reading, writing, being. Not too much of that in my life, the other 11 months of the year. I wish for this time and yet, I'll be glad when it passes. In this society, to be under-scheduled means you are a loser. Not one is pounding on your door or calling you to say .."We need you to do this and this. You are sooooo important."

What crap, eh? But when was the last time you answered the question.."so, what have you been up to..?" with that long sigh and then .."I've been way busy." Nods all around. Yup. You are needed. You rate. You are important. To be busy is to be important, right? Oh no, you say. That's not how it is at all!

Right.

It goes hand and hand with the idea that we all want to be "happy". Wrong again. The real thing we all want is to be "cool". Busy and Cool are best friends in the eyes of our society. Sucks but I can almost hear you muttering....."right".

Back to my original thought. This timeless time of year. We are on the brink of school starting and schedules firing up. Most of us sport tans of one hue or another. We've been out in the world and away from our work. Unusual for us Michiganders...the tan part, right?

On the heels of my friend passing, I am looking more closely at this time. I know the laid back/just back from the lake person will soon hightail it in favor of super woman soon but just now....Sigh. I feel I need to be more observant now. My friend's 48th birthday is Labor Day this year. Funny. Labor Day..a day we usually don't labor a whole lot,right? Missing my mum and dad alot but with Kimmie gone it's a whole new thought process. 84 vs. 48. Makes their passing seem....sweeter? Lives well lived. Long lived. Long verses short. Too short.

The ideal I have of myself. How old am I? I was boating the other day with two cousins of my husband. These boys are in their early to middle 20's. And my daughter who is 11. Am I still 22 inside somewhere? Yes. But I am looking out of 48 year old eyes. Cool...mostly. Changes are afoot when it comes to my body. I think, in my friend's honor, I will work on my body this next season. Try to shed some pounds and some "weight" to get back to a lighter spirit. Don't feel close to 48 right now. Maybe in a couple of decades...?

The final resting place

2010-08-20T05:55:00.006-08:00

For those of you who were not able to attend Kim's funeral - I wanted to give you a flavor so that it may set your heart at ease a bit.

It was a lovely day - cooler, sunny with a light breeze. That helped. It was a nice break from the 90+ days we'd been enduring.

We met at the church and Kim's casket was there. Folks who had not attended the viewing at the funeral home were able to see her for the last time. She was dressed in the lovely burgundy dress she wore to Casey's wedding in January. Rosary beads were wound around her fingers.

Slowly, we began to enter and sit down. It looked like Kori's entire pom team was already in attendance. I was so happy to see her so well supported.

The priest entered and I rose to sing "Arise, My Love".

Arise, my love, my lovely one come,
Winter is past and the rains are gone.
The flowers appear, it's the season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Who is it that appears like the dawn?
As fair as the moon, as bright as the sun?
Show me your face, let me hear your voice.
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Set me like a seal on your heart,
For love is unyielding as the grave.
The flash of it is a jealous fire,
No flood can quench,
For love is as strong as death.
Arise my love and come with me
Before the dawn breaks and the shadows flee.
You ravished my heart with just one glance
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Do not arose or awaken love
Until it so desires.
Arise, my love, my lovely one come,
The Winter is past and the rains are gone.
The flowers appear, it's season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
I am my Love's, my beloved is mine.
Arise and come with me.

They wheeled in her casket - a fact I was not aware of until I stood up. That was a little hard, to say the least.

The priest was gruff and very down to earth. I wasn't sure how it would be but he did a very good job of it. He obviously knew the family and that was a relief. I have sung many funerals where it was obvious that the person speaking didn't know the deceased. He was humorous and frank. The service included communion and I sang "Amazing Grace" during it. My husband played both pieces for me. The church musician was a young guy with a nice voice and he played piano and sang the service music. The priest did well to praise Kim's children and speak of their devotion to her through this last time in the hospital. Joe got up to speak and thanked everyone. Kim's old friend, Marti, (from SHS days) got up to speak and reiterated how wonderful her children had been and what a fine legacy they would be for Kim.

As the service ended and the casket was wheeled out to the hearse, my husband - a la "Big Chill" - played..."You can't always get what you want.." as a salute to our Stones-loving friend.

These photos were taken at the graveside. She is buried at Woodlawn Cemetary in Detroit. Stop in to the office for a map to her site. The stone won't be put into place for another month. Her mother's grave is kitty korner from her.

We all arrived and watched the complete burial - dirt and all. A light breeze blew and we all felt it was Kim trying to say..okay....it's okay. I'm okay.

I pray that her soul is at rest. I hope you can visit the site. It's lovely.

Missing my friend.

2010-08-13T04:13:00.007-08:00

Today is Friday the 13th - and I'm not feeling lucky. I lost an old friend yesterday. She was due a birthday on September 6th - a day I seemed to miss every year as it was always close to Labor Day and the flurry of activity that starts the school year. Kim was quiet. She never made me feel bad that I missed the day. One year, I invited her for dinner at my house, on the day. I made sure she was unaware of the preparations made and simply asked her over to celebrate. When she arrived I had a whole table set, in the back garden, with china, music and candles. She was so touched and I was so happy to finally be able to surprise her by not only remembering but celebrating in style.

Kim didn't require alot of our friendship. She needed little coaxing to talk about her life...although that changed in the last few years. She remained fairly "open" with me. We met in Mr. Croll's English class at Stevenson High School. We were united in our distaste for this gentleman and for his obvious lack of any kind of buttocks...! We laughed alot and that made it fun, those growing years.

We travelled the rest of the school years together. It seemed as if she was always "sorry" about something. Many times I would say.."there's no need to apologize. Stop!" I knew, from the beginning, that she was different from my other friends. Darker, in spirit. I knew there had already been times in her life when she had felt worthless. Heady stuff for a teenager. She was the proverbial still water that ran deep.

After high school we lost touch for a bit. She had jumped into a marriage and was pregnant when I met up with her again at a baby shower our mutual friend threw for her. We picked up right where we had been. She was twirling with her responsibilities. Later, when I saw her in the hospital after her third child was born, I knew that her marriage was not going to hold up. She continued on, after the divorce, and she wound her life around her children. She continued to twirl - to push and prod them on to better things. Kim was a good mother back then, by most standards. I remember being impressed with her children's manners and how her first born - maybe 6 at the time - answered the phone. "James residence, Casey speaking". She insisted on it. Her southern background demanded it.

She also remained the still water. A fact we often joked about when the gal pal pack went out to dance away our troubles. We'd often joke.."Stop talking our ears off, Kim!" when, in fact she had been silent. She would wait for the right opportunity and say something that made us cry with laughter.

One time, we met for a late night bite. I can't remember if it was after something we did or if we just met up but we ate greasy yummy food. She said we had eaten "as if we were going to the chair!" I still laugh over that and pull it out on occasion, always referencing Kimber.

This last year was a hard one with Kim. She was tremendously fragile. The day of her daughter's wedding she burst into tears at breakfast. She was completely overwhelmed. Hard to say if she was dealing with her demons of shame and guilt or simply trying to wrap her mind around the obvious happiness of the day. I think she had a hard time with being happy. She was constantly stalked by Depression.

It was harder and harder for her to lay down the load she carried and laugh.

She came to see me on closing night of "Gypsy". She was so very excited about attending and told me so over and over in the month before. She thought my co-star was cute. She was always checking out folks. Always pointing out the cuties and describing what she'd do, given half a chance. Her dry humor remained with her until she slipped into a sleep that she, ultimately, would not wake up from.

She was working at St. Mary's during my mother's last week of life. She came in and paid her respects. I'm glad my mother is not here today to know that Kim passed away just short of 48th birthday. It would have hurt her.

How can I sum of a 35 year friendship? Can't. Here are just a few thoughts on our time together.. Listening to the Rolling Stones (her obsession!) and attending concerts together. Having morning coffee. Taking a walk here and there where I would prod her for info on her life and her thoughts. Sitting and talking in her kitchen or mine. How she'd listen to my stories and I'd listen to hers. Her love (and hate) relationship with food. Her amazing massage abilities. How she's have to "hole up in a closet with a flashlight" to study for all the certifications she was awarded in her life. How she walked across the stage at the Millennium Center graduation from Dorsey Business School with a little spring in her step even though she had only been out of the hospital a week. The times she and I would get away to just sit and talk about everything. She was the first friend to sit in my house, just after we closed on it and got the keys. How she commiserated when I went through a divorce. The New Year's Eves we spent together at my house with my parents when they were elderly, drinking champagne together and talking.The times she spent the night, in the basement of my childhood home and how we stayed up till dawn. Her cooking and how she always showed up with Greek salad or meatballs at the parties I threw. Her sunny send off on my wedding reception DVD - "Rose and Stephen, may you live as long as you want to and want to as long as you live!" How much she loved relating stories about her granddaughter. Her ability to tell a story - sometimes over and over! - and her delight in the telling. How proud she was of her children and their accomplishments. How I wish I had never believed her when I called her up to hang out and she said she was "fixin' to go to the store." How she will miss meeting her second granddaughter in the next few weeks. Too many regrets to mention so I won't dwell there.

She has been slowly dying this past year. She was in the hospital twice before this last time and I was always the one to be sent over to "look" at her. (I live the closest to her). I will never forget the face that greeted me on those occasions. Certainly not the face of my friend but the face of her addiction and despair. I think I finally saw the demons that stalked her all those years and it frightened me. It also made me realize that there was nothing I could do but offer love. Kimberly had a hard time accepting it. She felt unworthy, I think.

I wonder what she thought of all the people who filtered in and out of her hospital room these last couple of weeks. Or the vigil her three children kept until the moment she left them. I wonder if she is somewhere near scratching her head and saying.."Wow, they really did love me."

Yes, honey, we really did. Now we are so sad that we couldn't have told you sooner or more often - to make it stick.

The light of God surrounds you. The love of God enfolds you. The power of God protects you. The presence of God watches over you. The spirit of God lives within you. Wherever you are, God is.

Truly, my prayer is that you rest in peace, my friend. I love you and I miss you.

New Voyage

2010-08-03T04:42:00.006-08:00

Today is the start of a new voyage. It was just that for Christopher Columbus....

According to the history books, he set sail today - a few years back - to try to find the "New World". He found something but it wasn't what he expected.

Isn't that how Life is? We set sail for adventure and we know just how it will be. We will live in a big house or travel to Venice or become a ballerina or a veterinarian... Whatever the dream we, as children, know how it will be.

As adults, we learn that it is almost never as we expected. That can be good and bad.

Right now, an old friend of mine from high school days is in ICU at a local hospital. This person is slowly dying of alcoholism. Whoa. Did not see that coming.

This person is my age! I've known this person for 30 years! I will never understand the pain that has made this horrible disease progress to the point it is today. This person did not sail off in search of this, surely.

I grew up in a family that was different by the standards of my neighborhood. I have already written reams about my parents so I won't go back over all that except to say that I grew up in love. My parents loved me and made sure that I understood that.

My friend in ICU grew up with complete dysfunction and a void of love. Maybe that was what passed for normal in that neighborhood. Not so much love and support but in a nice house. Not so much attention but with nice clothes. The italics are mine because that is not normal, in my world.

I trust that the best will come for my friend. I wish I knew the destination of that journey. I will pray for what I think is the best choice but it's not up to me.

Today, I will look at my child and see her for the wonderful person she is. I will try not to jump on the things she does "wrong" and dismiss her chatterings about nothing. It all matters. Being dismissed in life is just about the worst thing I can think of to do to a child.

Look how it affected my friend.

Thanks, Mr. Rohn, for the reminder! R.I.P., sir.

2010-08-02T18:34:00.002-08:00

What Constitutes a Good Life? by Jim Rohn

The ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck. The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes. The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars or a bank account or a home. Here's the ultimate expression of life in my opinion, and that is living the good life. Here's what we must ask constantly: "What for me would be a good life?" And you have to keep going over and over the list. A list including areas such as spirituality, economics, health, relationships and recreation. What would constitute a good life? I've got a short list.

Number one, productivity. You won't be happy if you don't produce. The game of life is not rest. We must rest, but only long enough to gather strength to get back to productivity. What's the reason for the seasons and the seeds, the soil and the sunshine, the rain and the miracle of life? It's to see what you can do with it?to try your hand. Other people have tried their hand; here's what they did. You try your hand to see what you can do. So part of life is productivity.

Next are good friends. Friendship is probably the greatest support system in the world. Don't deny yourself the time to develop this support system. Nothing can match it. It's extraordinary in its benefit. Friends are those wonderful people who know all about you and still like you. A few years ago I lost one of my dearest friends. He died at age 53 of a heart attack. David is gone, but he was one of my very special friends. I used to say of David that if I was stuck in a foreign jail somewhere accused unduly and if they would allow me one phone call, I would call David. Why? He would come and get me. That's a friend?somebody who would come and get you. Now we've all got casual friends. And if you called them they would say, "Hey, if you get back, call me and we'll have a party." So you've got to have both, real friends and casual friends.

Next on the list of a good life is your culture. Your language, your music, the ceremonies, the traditions, the dress. All of that is so vitally important that you must keep it alive. In fact, it is the uniqueness of all of us that when blended together brings vitality, energy, power, influence, uniqueness and rightness to the world.

Next is your spirituality. It helps to form the foundation of the family that builds the nation. And make sure you study, practice and teach. Don't be careless about the spiritual part of your nature; it's what makes us who we are, different from animal, dogs, cats, birds and mice. Spirituality.

Next, here's what my parents taught me: Don't miss anything. Don't miss the game. Don't miss the performance, don't miss the movie, don't miss the show, don't miss the dance. Go to everything you possibly can. Buy a ticket to everything you possibly can. Go see everything and experience all you possibly can. This has served me so well to this day. Just before my father died at age 93, if you were to call him at 10:30 or 11:00 at night, he wouldn't be home. He was at the rodeo, he was watching the kids play softball, he was listening to the concert, he was at church; he was somewhere every night.

Live a vital life. Here's one of the reasons why. If you live well, you will earn well. If you live well, it will show in your face, it will show in the texture of your voice. There will be something unique and magical about you if you live well. It will infuse not only your personal life but also your business life. And it will give you a vitality nothing else can give.

Next are your family and the inner circle. Invest in them and they'll invest in you. Inspire them and they'll inspire you. With your inner circle take care of the details. When my father was still alive, I used to call him when I traveled. He'd have breakfast most every morning with the farmers. Little place called The Decoy Inn out in the country where we lived in Southwest Idaho. So Papa would go there and have breakfast and I'd call him just to give him a special day. Now, if I was in Israel, I'd have to get up in the middle of the night, but it only took five minutes, 10 minutes. So I'd call Papa and they'd bring him the phone. I'd say, "Papa I'm in Israel." He'd say, "Israel! Son, how are things in Israel?" He'd talk real loud so everybody could hear?my son's calling me from Israel. I'd say, "Papa, last night they gave me a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." He'd say, "Son, a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." Now everybody knows the story. It only took 5-10 minutes, but what a special day for my father, age 93.

If a father walks out of the house and he can still feel his daughter's kiss on his face all day, he's a powerful man. If a husband walks out of the house and he can still feel the imprint of his wife's arms around his body, he's invincible all day. It's the special stuff with the inner circle that makes you strong and powerful and influential. So don't miss that opportunity. Here's the greatest value. The prophet said, "There are many virtues and values, but here's the greatest: one person caring for another." There is no greater value than love. Better to live in a tent on the beach with someone you love than to live in a mansion by yourself. One person caring for another, that's one of life's greatest expressions.

So make sure in your busy day to remember the true purpose and the reasons you do what you do. May you truly live the kind of life that will bring the fruit and rewards that you desire.

Fun!

2010-06-29T08:47:00.001-08:00

I am learning about African Tongue Drums! A friend recently bequeathed me some rhythm instruments and I am playing around with them so as to be able to use them in my Montessori music classes. This was a fun video I found and thought I'd share.

Enjoy!

My gal as she ends her elementary school career!

2010-06-17T04:00:00.000-08:00

"Everything's Coming Up Roses"

2010-05-31T08:22:00.000-08:00

A little "Gypsy"......

2010-05-31T08:17:00.003-08:00

Mallie at Tiger Stadium (Comeria Park)

2010-05-31T08:10:00.001-08:00

Here she is, Boys! Here she is, World! Here's Mal!!!

Is Blogging Dead??

2010-05-20T14:26:00.002-08:00

Hmmmm.. I have gone to three of my favorite web-blogs and NONE have been updated in months! Wow... I miss you guys!!!

I have found this venue to be a great sounding board for myself. You know when you go on and on about something....and then read it back..? I've had a few AHA's.

I may (or may not)have anyone else readying this but I do it for me. Hey - reminds me of a line in the show....

"I guess I did do it for me."
"Why Momma?"
"Just wanted to be noticed."

AMEN.

Off to the theatre!

What a ride!

2010-05-17T04:34:00.005-08:00

Here we are, in the final week of this long odyssey called "GYPSY"! In these photos you will see two of our three amazing "strippers". Jason is our wonderful director and the handsome dark haired gentleman in the photo with Tessie/Loni. Barry also got nabbed for a photo with Loni and cutie Patrick is with me in this first photo. The lovely ladies are part of the showgirl/Toreadorables group and one plays the back end of the cow - wonderfully, I might add! Aren't they beautiful?

Three more performances left. At the end of this run, we will have completed 13 shows and countless hours of preparation. Somehow, I thought I would be relieved to be finished. After all, it's taken a toll on my time and talents, to be sure! It will take a bit of time to let go of this low belt voice I have cultivated and go back to my own range...and repertoire!

Sadly, this is not the case. I am already getting teary eyed at the thought of the final curtain call - my most favorite part of the show! (Not really!)It has been the nicest side trip I have taken in the past 6 months. It also means that I will have to face, head on, the reality that my mother is not here anymore. Do you know I actually looked for her on Opening Night? For a brief moment I wondered...."now where is she and is she okay"..? Mother's Day we had a matinee and I was okay..until the curtain came down and so did the veil that had covered my emotions for the duration. Luckily, my cast was supportive - especially Rachel who plays my grown daughter, Louise, in the show. She too has lost a parent and understands how I feel. She was right there with a warm hug. Thanks honey!

Thanks go to her for the fine, fine work she has done. It's been so much fun to work with her. She gives back everything I throw at her, onstage. It's really been a thrill to do that last great scene with her. I don't know when I have enjoyed acting as much as I do when we throw down there.

These pictures I've posted were taken by my friend, Loni, who plays Tessie in our production. Loni has been a voice student of mine for some time and I am proud to call her my friend now. I am so glad I mentioned the audition to her all this time ago. I wanted to have some friends around me in this production and she has been great - onstage and off!! Thanks!

My onstage boyfriend, Herbie, aka Barry, has been terrific and I could not have asked for a more wonderfully supportive actor to smooch with onstage. Barry, you are a lovely person and a gentleman to the core.

Everyone in our production is really great - onstage and off! This time has helped me heal a little after that dark November night. I know I sound dramatic here but really ...that was the night I had to grow up. It also helped me to play the whirlwind that is Mama Rose.

Now, I have to go back to the real world and finish the job of emptying my parents' home and going forward as the adult orphan I am today.

Thanks, cast and crew of "Gypsy" for your love, support, hugs, laughs, hard work and sparkle! It has been my privilege to share the stage with you. Thanks for the friendships and the wonderful conversations I've had with some of you at those lovely after-show parties. What fun it was to have most of you in our home that Friday night. Thanks for coming!

Finally, thanks to the Theatre Gods! You have, once again, lifted me and reminded me that life is colorful and full of gifts along the way. I promise to keep looking for them and going forward even when I'm not sure of the outcome.

After all, no one knows what's coming down the pipeline, eh? Get ready and JUMP INTO THE POOL!!!!!

Local coverage

2010-05-07T03:50:00.006-08:00

http://www.hometownlife.com/article/20100506/NEWS06/5060549/1023/Farmington+Players+salute+moms+on+Mother+s+Day

The only bad thing about this is the fact that they took the pictures before I got my wig. Here I am in it!

WE ROCKED!

2010-05-01T04:17:00.003-08:00

Opening Night was a success!!! We were sold out!! Thanks everyone. Pictures and reflections to come! Come see the show! We run till May 22nd! Show/Ticket info at www.farmingtonplayers.org

OPENING NIGHT

2010-04-30T09:28:00.004-08:00

Whew! Tonight is the beginning of our run of "Gypsy" at the Players Barn. So many emotions..!! I really should be trying to take a nap - slept like crap last night - but I am too wired.

Let's sort some of this out, shall we?

Okay...first fear - FREEZING ON STAGE. It is a weird thing that happens to many people. You walk out on stage and, suddenly, there is Mr. Naysayer in your head... "Wow, I wonder if my dress is buttoned, am I standing up straight, how does my face look, do I feel centered, oops better listen to that line, I'm next..."

SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have never frozen onstage. True, that voice speaks to me but I will do my very best to not listen. With 14 scenes, 9 songs, 10 costumes changes (2 in under 30 seconds, a dog, children, food on stage.... there is way too much stimulus. Concentrate. 'Nuff said.

We lost a little girl this week to cancer. She performed in several of the youth theatre shows and summer theatre camps. Haley was a bright star and given a short span here on earth. She used up every moment of it and was an inspiration to her family, her friends and those who knew her. She loved theatre and singing and I need to remember that as I have the opportunity to go out there tonight. Haley can't so I will sing and act in her honor and in her memory.

Then there are my parents who will be watching from the celestial balcony tonight. They would have burst with pride at all that I have achieved in this production and I cannot let them down. They will be in attendance and, again, I sing and dance in their honor and in their memory.

This is a great chance to bring to life an amazing story. The real folks depicted in this wild tale are gone now and they too need to be honored in the age old tradition of "the show must go on!"

And lastly, this is theatre. Theatre must be for the audience; to lift, to inspire, to amuse, to shock and to entertain. The actors will have an amazing time of it but we need to bring it so that our audience can savor the "in the moment" feeling too. The Arts stop us, dead in our tracks, and gets in our face. This is why music, dance and theatre is essential to life. It lifts us up and out of our lives, out of our heads, out of ourselves and MAKES us look around!!

And we need to stop, once in awhile, and look around, right?

This is a roller coaster of a show. It makes us feel. It makes us think. It is art.

I am humbled to be a part of it.

So, with the spirit of my English grandmother, my mother and father, Haley and Rose Hovick herself, I intend to walk out on that stage tonight and SHINE!

On with the show!

EASTER 2010

2010-04-14T09:23:00.007-08:00

Here are some shots of our family this Easter. It was the first without both my parents and that was hard. But my "new" family - my husband's family - were so wonderful and we are so blessed. Have you hugged your folks lately?

WHAT A WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-08T05:51:00.004-09:00

Okay....whew. What a week. First off, I had a birthday. Not a biggie, as far as numbers go. It's not what I am feeling inside my body so it's not really a factor is the story. For the record...my internal number is 37. No idea why - just is.

The morning of my birthday - March 2nd for calendar watchers - I sent Mal off to school and hit the shower. I drove to Starbucks, got a Venti and munchie and headed off to see a 9:45 show of "Avatar". Okay, you're thinking...you had me till 9:45 ..?? Well, I was trying to get it all in, ya know? The first 3D showing I could get to was 9:45 so I strolled in to my own private large screen show. Way cool! I pushed up the armrests, put my feet up, drank my coffee and watched in my oversized living room! I even took a call from my brother - who was I going to disturb?! He actually remembered my day without any prompting from our mother. Remember, this was my first Orphan Birthday for those of you arriving late to my blog.

"Avatar" was spectacular. It really touched me with it's message of connection and the idea that we are not separated from our ancestors or God. It was the reminder I needed that morning. After a good sob over the credits...again, who was I bothering...I took my self to the 'loo located right next to my theater and threw some water on my face. I headed out into the sunlight and got into my car. The first song that blasted out of my stereo was "Wherever We Go" from Gypsy. Not too much of a coincidence as I am studying the show but still... I get it! I feel you, Mum!

Drove off to Ferndale to see my good friends, Jeanne and Robert. After a short time in Robert's lovely home, we walked to INYO where we enjoyed a really great sushi lunch! Really YUMMY and I would highly recommend this place. Bonus - we ran into another good friend of mine, Jeff! How fun! The only problem with all this was the time crunch. After hugs and an amazing cake put into my hands - it rocked, Robert! - I drove back to my side of town and a lesson I had to teach. After that, my husband put together a really lovely dinner and after that!!!!, I had to go to a three hour Gypsy music rehearsal! Whew!!! What a day.

Thanks for all the wonderful birthday wishes, gang! Thanks!!!

Onto the rest of the week. Saturday morning I was able to give my annual student Vocal Recital at Greenmead Historical Village in the Newburgh Church. I had 9 singers perform and all went exceedingly well! My aforementioned friend, Jeanne, borrowed my daughter for the weekend so we had a chance to do a few things,namely, a wonderful lunch with my charming partner. Later we attended a DSO concert. Highlights include...shaking hands with Mr. Michael York and Sir Neville Marriner! Not too shabby! If you look at the website..we saw the concert the evening of 3/6/10.

The one very surreal thing to come out of this weekend was the situation that finally came to a head for a very old friend of mine. Our girlfriend has meekly fought a battle with severe alcoholism and this weekend was almost her end. Luckily, I am part of a 4-woman posse that gathered around her and got her the support she needed. She is now in hospital and will move to a treatment center soon. Our dear friend may well survive to die another day but she didn't expire on our watch.

Geez, that was one week in the life!. What will this week bring?

Time.....

2010-02-26T05:47:00.003-09:00

Wow. I just realized it's been three months since Mum passed away. Three months! I have been very, very busy and I guess it made the time fly... For that I am grateful. It made time start up again after it seemed to stop with her death. It still seems like it was 2 weeks ago. My mind keeps dwelling on her last evening and the amazing things that happened then. I guess it will take some time to process it all.

Next Tuesday is my birthday. Not a big deal, really, but I am feeling a bit low about it. The one thing that hit me and made me realize time rushing past was this. Every birthday of my adult life...no matter where I was.. my mother and I shared a birthday tradition.

I was born at approximately 8:30 in the morning. Every March 2nd, at around 8:30 in the morning, I would call her and say "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"! After all, it was a birth day for her too, eh??

Last year, she was in the hospital recovering from a heart procedure - an offshoot of years of damaging chemo treatments.. I called and spoke to her in her room...and she apologized for not doing anything for my birthday....

My mother made me feel special all year long. She never failed to send me cards and letters and always spent time finding something cool and fun for a present. She spent alot of time looking for just the right card as she never wrote much in it except for the words - I love you, Mom...and the year in the corner. This was harder in the last few years as I drove her everywhere. I always knew to keep my distance when she wandered over to the card section. At the end, I wheeled her over and left her so that she could look with a bit of privacy. When my dad was alive, we'd wander the aisles together and point out our favorites, laughing over the really funny ones. We'd positively cackle over some of them.

Over the years, my mum cooked many wonderful birthday dinner. She knew I loved her cannelloni and gladly spent time making the fiddly dish. Other times it would be roast beef and Yorkshire pudding or a wonderful fillet Mignon. Some of you reading this may well have enjoyed those fabulous meals with me. Weren't they great? Homemade cake too with that wonderful cream cheese frosting. She always worked hard to decorate it and was disappointed, in later years, at her shaky hand!

The years she spent without my dad were hard - three and a half - and I can only hope I helped her as much as she helped me through that time. Then, we didn't always celebrate birthdays on the date. Often, we'd have a lovely dinner out. She had a harder time enjoying them but she loved to celebrate. She loved her family and knew the importance of spending time together. After all, she missed out on a lifetime with her mum - seeing her only twice in her adult life after she left England. In fact, I recently found a telegram from January 1970 from her step father telling her of her mother's passing...it read... Mummy passed peacefully. Stored with that telegram was a Christmas card that could only have arrived a week or two earlier signed by her adoring Mummy.

I will miss hearing her voice next Tuesday. I can't tell you how much.

Goings on...!

2010-02-20T12:47:00.005-09:00

This (the one at the bottom of the post!) was taken after a performance of "Cirque Dreams - Illumination". Wow. What fun. And fun to be with friends. Michele and Jeanne - been gal pals for 30+ years - and Robert - hmmm 20+ years? Michel and Jeanne have been married about 25 years so I've known him at least 20. Janine is the only one in the bunch who is new to me. She is the singer in the show and a friend of Jeanne's. We had a lovely supper at Chez JQ and then headed out to the show and hung out afterward with Janine.

Last weekend we headed out to Winter Blast - the outdoor festival in d'town Detroit. This my pal Jeff - and I've known him for nearly 30 years too! The s'mores were tasty, btw!

My newest obsession

2010-02-08T17:28:00.002-09:00

Here is a clip of Miss Gypsy Rose Lee herself! I just had my first cast meeting, tonight, for the upcoming production of "Gypsy". I am reading her memoir and it is AMAZING! I would describe this book as a car wreak...you just can't look away but when you close the pages you feel a little ill.

This is going to be a very exciting voyage of discovery, I feel!

We just held auditions for "Cinderella" yesterday - we open "Schoolhouse Rock" on Wednesday (unless we get the BIG SNOW) and I continue to stand in as vocal director of "Annie" till my friend is okayed to come back to work March 1st.

WHHHHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

My brain hurts.....and I love it!

Mostly!

My love...my husband

2010-01-30T16:58:00.002-09:00

I know, I know. I talk about him alot... My wonderful life partner is such an amazing person, to me. And to others, I have to admit. I am so grateful to share my life with this man. Really, I am blessed. Thank you Universe!

Be careful what you wish for!

2010-01-26T15:57:00.002-09:00

WOW! I just got word tonight that I have been cast as Momma Rose in Gypsy! I am very happy but I am also very ...um...quiet about it. I know what it will take to bring this character to life. Check out all the ladies who have played her...

"...Ethel Merman in the original 1959 Broadway production of Gypsy, Angela Lansbury in the Original London production, and Rosalind Russell in the Warner Bros 1962 film Gypsy; stage revivals have starred Tyne Daly, Bernadette Peters, Patti LuPone, Betty Buckley, Joyce DeWitt and Linda Balgord. A television movie starring Bette Midler premiered in 1993."

I think...at this moment in my life... I am ready to do it.

Here is where the show will be done. Ticket info is there as well....

Wow. This is gonna be a trip!

MLK Day

2010-01-18T17:34:00.003-09:00

Interesting day.. First off - cool that we have finally recognized the content of Dr. King's character and we celebrate it by creating a holiday devoted to service!

Secondly - I did not celebrate in that way, this year. Obviously, I am in a memorial spirit. This process is still new to me and will take some time.

Mallie and I watched more of "A Concert for George" this morning - we had watched the bulk of it the night before. It is a loving and mighty memorial concert to the life and music of an amazing musician - George Harrison.

Later, we headed out to have tea with friends who are bi-racial. I don't usually refer to them this way but just as we were leaving the tea house my friend mentioned that we could all be thankful we could all be together there today.. Not so in our not so distant past.

Then Mallie and I went to see "The Princess and the Frog". Not giving anything away, there is a lovely moment when we see two stars in the sky that are linked with love and well...

Easy to see where my mind went.

So, for me , it was a day to remember friends, family and strangers that help pave the way for us daily.

Thank you, most sincerely.

What I'm reading....

2010-01-10T18:00:00.003-09:00

Just finished a very interesting book...."The Shack".

Not what I expected and given to me by a friend I hadn't seen in a year.With a book like this comes controversy and I say GO! It's a subject people feel strongly about.....

God.

Yup, it's about God and one man's struggle with how to reconnect after a horrific situation turns his ideas of faith inside out.

I found it quite refreshing. It certainly resonated with me and I love that people are all over the 'net bitching and moaning about it. HA!

Keeps our minds on God and that can't be bad, right?

Cheers!

New Year 2010 - a new start

2010-01-07T10:17:00.012-09:00

Here we are, in the New Year, waiting on a snowstorm to hit our area. Yawn…. It’s been pretty quiet, on the weather front. For those of you who have received a card from me and wish to read more about my mum's passing feel free to scroll down to an older post - 12/04/09. There, I have written in detail.

Things were hard after Mum’s funeral and all. So much to do – and still to do! We lost two more friends in the 2 weeks after Mum died. Both were cancer victims and Steve and I did both services. It was a sad time.

We made it through the holidays fairly well. Stephen’s parents, Jim & Susan, came down from Traverse City and their other son, Michael, came up from Cleveland. They stayed at Mum’s house which was nice for them and gave me a peaceful feeling knowing that there would be life in the house again, if only for a short time. Adding in to the mix was Susan’s brother, Allan, and a close family friend also named Mike. They came to the service on Christmas Eve, which was lovely. Since Christmas was on a Friday we had to stay in town over the weekend, as we had to make music on Sunday.

I cooked Christmas dinner, with a little help from Steve and Mallie. This was a first for me as Mum always did the meal. Last year, she still managed to cook with me doing all the major work. She tasted things and stirred and directed and it was a lovely, lovely meal. This year I needed to do something completely different – just to get through.

We had 8 for dinner. I cooked a spiral ham with an orange/ginger glaze, a sweet potato/apple bake and green beans with red pepper. Mallie and Steve made his recipe for macaroni and cheese. It’s a gourmet version and it was great! Steve also made his grandmother’s Jell-O salad, which is green and has cottage cheese and pineapple in it. Also lovely. Add in rolls and a very very rich chocolate truffle dessert I made and it was a success. I was very proud of us all.

After church on Sunday we packed up and headed up to Travese City with Steve’s parents leaving a couple of hours before us. Michael had to go back down to Cleveland. The four of us (including Amy the cat) arrived late in the evening and settled in at the lake house on Long Lake some 15 minutes out of downtown Traverse.

The next day it snowed 5 inches and the wind really kicked up! We spent all day doing….nothing! Reading, eating, listening to the radio and taking naps……. It was superb! As I have mentioned before, the living area is on the second level so we look out at the woods, the lake and all that lovely snow.

Tuesday it cleared and we saw it would be the only sunny day so we packed up and drove out to the Leelanau peninsula and our friends, the Trifilios. They are the ones that own the beach property where we vacationed for years and years, there on Lake Michigan some 7 miles south of Leland. We arrived and went down to the beach – the water was not frozen – and scattered a portion of Mum’s ashes there. Most of her cremains will be at the church in the columbarium with Dad’s ashes but I just know that she would have been pleased with our choice. In a way, she had left a part of her heart there already.

After a nice visit with our friends we headed back to dinner at Chez Warner back in town. After that we headed over to the Heritage Museum and saw the train exhibit. This is a yearly event and it’s really fun to see all the set-ups. The other folks drove home and the three of us walked back, in the snow, and enjoyed all the Christmas lights in the neighborhoods.

The next day, Mallie and I went shopping with Grandma Sue and hung around. Later in the evening, my friend Michele arrived from downstate. The next day Mallie, Michele and I made the pilgrimage to Boone’s Tavern in Sutton’s Bay. This was a place my parents and I always made a point to stop in every year. It’s all wood and stone inside with a step-down of three steps to an area with a fireplace. It looks like a ski chalet in winter. They have the best burgers there. After stuffing ourselves we wandered around town, looking in some of the cute shops there. The snow was getting a bit thicker so we headed back. This was New Year’s Eve and we had plans!

This year was the first for the Cherry T-ball Drop! There was large crane all set up with a large cherry that lit up and was hung above the crowd on Front Street. They had closed the street and a band played while people gathered as a thick snow fell… It was magical! There we waited until the “ball” dropped and we entered the New Year officially. Then we all walked back to the Warner’s place and toasted together.

The next day, along with another friend who drove in, we hiked in the snow into the woods and played on the, now frozen, lake. (Mallie had tried snow shoeing earlier in the week!) It was so very lovely. We came back in later and put together some yummy food and played games until it was time to drive back into town and the Warner’s for dinner.

We drove back on that Saturday and entered back into reality on Sunday with church and all.

Now we are back at it and trying to get our schedules ready for a very busy winter. I just finished sending out Christmas cards to those who had written to Mum. It gave me the chance to share the news with her friends and far-flung family and thank them for their correspondence to her, over the years. I am a bit worried about dismantling my folks’ house. There are lots of things to do and I am working, very hard, to not get overwhelmed. We have till May and we didn’t do a lot in December. I spend a portion of every week dealing with her business, making phone calls, mailing off things….lots more to do there. It’s a big process. I remember it took time, when Dad passed, to get through everything and this was without the prospect of the house.

No use dwelling on it, at present. We’ll get through it. A part of me is feeling a bit panicked as to what will happen after everything is finished and done with. Now, I can go to their house and feel their presence. How will it be when that is all gone to me? These are things that whirl around in my head.

I guess, after Mum being so ill for so long, I had anticipated more of a sense of relief at her passing. I didn’t count on missing her so very much.

I miss her

2009-12-23T03:19:00.003-09:00

"I don't know if I can keeping doing this, Cec. The problem is that I am still interested in so much. I want to see what you and Mallie are doing. I don't want to miss anything!"

I was writing to a friend, this morning, and I recalled these words of my mum. She said this only about a month before her death.
( read previous entries for the account of her last week )

She was a woman of many talents. She was "Martha Stewart" before that was a phrase.. She made holidays festive with incredible food and homemade decoration. For 40 years she threw a Christmas party that friends still remember. Complete with amazing finger foods, cocktails, an amazing buffet, specially put together presents and music, this woman also trimmed the house and painted all the baseboards and doorways so that things would look fresh and festive!

We kids were never allowed in the living room, Christmas morning, until the tree was on, candles lit, food put out and music playing. We were always amazed at the transformation of our little house. It was magical.

My mother loved travel and every trip we took we always had adventures along the way. Whether it was Mammoth Caves in Kentucky or standing at the bridge at Concord or marveling at the design of Monticello...we were given a love of history that was constantly reinforced.

My brother and I grew up in a house that was full of books and music. Our parents even picked out music to be playing for that first moment home, after our births. My brother was serenaded by Bach's Unaccompanied Cello Sonatas and I was celebrated with Handel's Watermusic!

Our parents were constantly showing they loved us by being at all those rehearsals and concerts. When Paul played in the Detroit Youth Symphony, my parents (and I!) were in audience...every Saturday for two years at Ford Auditorium. And years later, Mom came with me, every Saturday from 9 - 3, to Oakland University when I was 16 or 17 as I rehearsed with a group called The Academy of Popular Vocal Arts. She never learned to drive and she said it was that I needed her in the car as I made the then, long trip, out to Oakland - the real reason is she loved to see what all we were doing.

When I played Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady, my senior year of high school, my parents were in the audience for every show. My father, being a self employed musician, lost a week of work but that was never an issue.

There are so many memories swirling in my head. The woman that passed away last month was still vital, still engaging and engaged and witty. Her last crossword puzzle, left unfinished by her chair, was done in ink.

I admit I lost sight of the woman that she was, in the three years since my dad's been gone. Cancer was the constant shadow and weekly trips to "Our Lady of Hope Cancer Center" made Mondays for us. In going through her things and starting the process of dismantling their home - since 1955 - I am beginning to remember the woman that I grew up with. The "Mom" I was always proud to introduce friends too - even in those difficult teen years. My folks were always able to converse with anyone and make everyone feel at home.

I miss you, Mom and Dad. Christmas Day we will raise a glass of champagne to you both and know that our stars in heaven are tripping the light fantastic, together again.

In all the craziness....

2009-12-16T17:40:00.002-09:00

I have not had the time to really brag on my daughter, Mallie. With Mum passing away the same week as our performances of Music Man I have not made mention of her wonderful performance as "Amaryllis". She was so lovely, It was hard to watch her on stage knowing that her Grandma would not see her in this role. Mum passed after our last show that week.

Mallie, you rocked, my love.

More photos - see next entry for text

2009-12-10T04:26:00.002-09:00

My Mum and Dad throughout the years. That's them on their wedding day...Oct. 25, 1945.

Things to remember

2009-12-04T08:01:00.010-09:00

I finally have a moment to sit down and write - catching up on all that has been happening here since my mother passed away.

Mallie is home sick today so I am forced to be home and do the writing I’ve been waiting to do. This all took place the week before Thanksgiving.

Let’s see…where to start. Okay, so we were in show week. This was the Fall production of the Farmington Youth Theatre. I was going back and forth from hospital during the day to the shows at night and back for some time with Mum in the evening. It was amazing that she was as alert as she was. Although it was difficult to understand what she was trying to communicate – she could only “mouth” words – I worked hard to understand her – it was hard on both of us.

I was able to spend some wonderful quiet time with her, knowing we were at the end of the road. I was able to thank her for all she had done for me and she was able to thank me for all I had helped her with, these past 3 years. Those were moments I will treasure the rest of my life.

As that week progressed, and she remained on the ventilator, it became clear that I needed to make a decision. I started asking a lot of questions to as many nurses and doctors as I could. They all seemed to agree that Mum would not last long without the added breathing help. I began to call people to ask them to gather with me on that Sunday evening.

At first, Paul (my brother in NC) was reluctant to come, preferring to come only for the services. I reminded him that maybe she needed to see his face before she left this world. That helped him make up his mind and both he and Jenny started driving up Sunday morning.

In the meantime, Mallie and I – this was Mallie’s first “big” part in one of our shows – were performing in “Music Man” – she was Amaryllis and I was stage managing – Stephen was preparing for a concert on Sunday afternoon at the Grand Ledge Opera House (near Lansing) and the Warners were on their way to be with us. It was a really crazy time but our community of friends really held us together through it all.

Sunday morning came and it was an unusually foggy day. It made me hum… “A Foggy Day in London town” and I realized that this could be that last day my mother would be with us. I took time to watch the sunset, between shows, that day. Again, to savor how later that night my life would be changed forever. I realize this sounds dramatic but my mother always took the time to notice such things.

Sunday evening, Mallie and I left right after the last curtain call and drove to the hospital; Paul and Jenny had arrived about an hour earlier. Della, Mom’s close friend, was there as well as my friends, Lisa and Kori. The Warners were there too so we had a nice little crowd in the Family Waiting Room. Mum, all this time, had been in an area of the hospital that we had never been in before. The Special Care Unit is a quiet area reserved for special needs patients – lots of vent folks. It is a quieter atmosphere with no hustle bustle, no clanging of food trays, no loud talking…very restful. A unique experience in a hospital! We had brought a CD player and cds earlier in the week.

I walked into Mum’s room and the “Wizard of Oz” was playing on her TV. I hadn’t even realized she had one in her room. We asked her if it was okay to turn it off and put on some music. We chose a lovely cd of classical flute music performed by Sir James Galway and his wife. The nurse, Rob, told me that he was surprised that I had made this decision as, he thought, Mum would survive the night and maybe into the next day without the ventilator. I was shocked and really scared that I had made a horribly bad decision. He had me speak, by phone, to the attending doctor – a doctor who had treated her in previous years – a respiratory specialist. He too seemed a little reluctant for me to act. WOW! What was this about? I now realize that no doctor likes to admit defeat in the face of Death. He told me what I already knew – that if Mom survived that she would be in an even weaker state and that she would require much more homecare. Stunned, I walked back into her room. Paul was there.

I told her – by the way I never called it a “Ventilator”. I referred to it as the “Puffer” because I didn’t want to alarm her. I told her that she might be able to breath a bit on her own and even speak to us. At that, she closed her eyes and turned her head a little. I noticed and told Paul that I thought, “She has made a decision.”

Everyone came in to kiss her and tell they loved her. Mallie even came in and gave her a hug. They had untied her hands and taken out a couple of lines so she wasn’t as scary looking. At that point, I acted as translator for Mom as I knew what she wanted to tell Mal. Mallie went back to the waiting room and Mom started to mouth the word.."when?” I told the nurse we were ready and we left to let them remove everything – feeding tube, vent, IV lines, everything. After about 10 minutes, Rob came back in and told us that she was ready. Paul and I went to her room alone.

Now, to jump back a bit, a few weeks earlier, I had been at Mum’s house. On the TV news there was a story on some famous person who had died “surrounded by his family and friends”. Mom had commented, ”Oh that’s gross!” I laughed and said that I thought it sounded nice.

Back to Sunday night - Paul and I settled on either side of her and each took a hand to hold. They had given her a shot of morphine and had put an oxygen mask in her face so she would not panic. Her eyes opened very wide, bulging almost, as she took very long, deep breaths. It was very difficult for her but she was not struggling, as we feared. She raised her eyes and looked at the ceiling. Although we continued to talk to her and stroke her forehead she never looked at us again but remained staring up. It was like she only needed our presence with her but that she was already on a journey. Rob came in to ask if we wanted some chairs set up. Remembering that conversation, we both said no and turned our attentions back to her. Within 35 – 40 minutes she took her last breath and died at 9:56pm, 11/22/09.

Rob later said that he was “disappointed” that she had not survived the night. I told him that he did not know our mother and her very strong will! She was at the end and it was an end she could live with – pardon the pun. She had her children there to send her on her way and I can only imagine the arms of my father closing around her as he whisked her off to some wonderful place to sit and talk and catch up on the long years spent apart. I’m crying as I write this but it was truly a blessing to be there and it something I will also remember till I meet up with her again, on the other side.

Everyone – except Mallie – drifted in to kiss her goodbye and I stayed on, with my two friends, to hold her hands and stroke her cheek for another 2 hours before I felt strong enough to leave her. Those two women were a Godsend to me that night.

The next day, Paul, Jenny and I went to Casterline’s in Northville to complete the process I had started earlier that week. As before when Dad died, they were so good to us and we were able to make all the arrangements before 1pm that day. I had followed Mum’s instructions on what to bring and she was laid out in a nice dress – pinned in as it was a size 18 and she was barely a size 4 – her Celtic cross I had given her long ago, amethyst earrings that were her mother’s and, at the last minute, the dragonfly pin my mother–in-law had given her. The dragonfly had become a symbol of my Dad to Mom. After he passed, she often saw a dragonfly light near her and she drew comfort from the idea that that was his spirit reaching out to her.

Tuesday afternoon, we met up at the funeral home for the visitation. We brought lots of “show and tell” about my mother and Steve and I had stayed up quite late the night before putting together two felt boards of pictures of her. One was a black and white board going back in her past and the other was all color shots of more recent times – mostly before Dad had died. Both Paul and I took comfort from the fact that ""Mom" didn't look like our Mum anymore and that what we were looking at was really only her shell. It was a really lovely time and lots of people came to see us, which was a blessing.

The next day was Wednesday and it was a little rainy. It cleared up by the afternoon and we made our way to Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Church. The cremains of both my parents will be together in the Columbarium, located in the Zaun Chapel. We had the memorial service there and had about 40 people attending. Stephen played a piece my mother loved on the piano. My friend, Phil, talked a little about her – saying that, at Christmas when he attended her parties, she was likea “Mrs. Claus” to him. He then read a lovely poem by Charles Dickens called “Things That Never Die”. We had sung it as a choir anthem last year and knowing how my mother loved Dickens it was a perfect fit.

Things That Never Die

The pure, the bright, the beautiful
that stirred our hearts in youth,
The impulses to wordless prayer,
The streams of love and truth,
The longing after something lost,
The spirit's longing cry,
The striving after better hopes?
These things can never die.

The timid hand stretched forth to aid
A brother in his need;
A kindly word in grief's dark hour
That proves a friend indeed;
The plea for mercy softly breathed,
When justice threatens high,
The sorrow of a contrite heart?
These things shall never die.

Let nothing pass, for every hand
Must find some work to do,
Lose not a chance to waken love?
Be firm and just and true.
So shall a light that cannot fade
Beam on thee from on high,
And angel voices say to thee?
"These things shall never die."
~ Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

Later, my friend, Lisa, read this.. “These are hymn lyrics written in 1918 by Sir Cecil Spring-Rice an English diplomat who served as British Ambassador to the United States . The hymn tune was written by Gustav Holst and comes from The Planets suite, the Jupiter movement. Famous as Princess Diana's favorite hymn, it was sung at her wedding and funeral. It had long been a staple of British school assemblies. In recent conversations, June often talked about her life in England and, although she became an American citizen, she remained an Englishman at heart.”

I VOW to thee, my country

I VOW to thee, my country, all earthly things above,
entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love:
the love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,
that lays upon the altar the dearest and the best;
the love that never falters, the love that pays the price,
the love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice.

And there’s another country, I’ve heard of long ago,
most dear to them that love her, most great to them that know;
we may not count her armies, we may not see her King;
her fortress is a faithful heart, her pride is suffering;
and soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase,
and her ways are ways of gentleness and all her paths are peace.

My friend, Michele, put together a very elegant “tea” for the reception afterwards in the Guild Room. A good friend came up to speak to me and I noticed that she had on a lovely dragonfly pin! She noticed my surprise and I told her the significance of the symbol. The day before had been Della’s birthday so, in the car on the way to the funeral, I gave her a present from my mother – the Celtic cross and the dragonfly pin we had taken off my mother’s body as she had requested all jewelry be taken off at the end. I think it was what my mother would have wanted me to do. I guess Jeanne ended up having some words with Della at the reception because, later, she wordlessly came over to me, took the pin off her clothing and pined it to my jacket. The next day I noticed that it was set with marquisette – one of my mother’s favorites.

I believe that was my mother’s spirit reaching to comfort me.

Before all the guests had left, Paul and I went into the sanctuary. We had one last honor for my mother. Stephen played the famous Widor “Toccata” from his Symphony #5, one of Mom’s favorites, on the massive 1927 E.M. Skinner organ. He played it for me and Paul and Mom. Several friends who were still there joined us. It was a fitting ending to a wonderful tribute.

We then gathered back at my house where we ate and drank champagne in my mother’s honor! We also had samples of my mother's favorite liquor, Sabra.

The story does not end there as Paul received bad news only a few days later. Paul and Jenny had started the drive back to NC right after the reception. They finished the long car ride on Thanksgiving so as to be home with Gracie and Nikki. On the following Monday, they received word that Jenny’s brother Chip, who had not been feeling well for several days, had driven himself to hospital. He died there. He was 48. So tomorrow, Saturday the 5th, the four of them will be in Hanover, MA to attend his funeral. What a blow.

I can only hope that Mom was there to help him “over”.

Now, we have about 6 months to get Mum's house ready to give up. Although it will be a hard process the one bright light in all of this are all the journals I am finding. Mum wrote journals her entire life. I am thinking of compiling them into a blog for others to read and enjoy, at some later date. She had also spent the last three years writing about her life in England and the War and it is something it read her thoughts and “hear” her voice again.

Here is her obituary as it read in the local paper..

June P. L. Randall, age 84, a longtime resident of Livonia, passed away on November 22, 2009. She was born June 12, 1925 in Kennington, London, England to Gilbert and Lillian (Arnold) Parma. As a teenager June served as a Civil Defense Telephonist during the London blitz. She became a “GI” bride on October 23, 1945 when she married Leonard Randall a member of the US Army. They were happily married for 60 years until his death in 2006. She worked at the Detroit Public Library; June helped inaugurate an audio-visual department and pioneered record cataloging rules. June worked to establish library service in Livonia; she formed the first Friends of the Library group and served on the Library Commission for 10 years. She was very active in the PTA from local to state level; she received the Michigan Life and National Life Awards. June also received the key to the city of Livonia for all of her help and hard work. She was an avid reader, loved music, and had a passion for cooking.
She is survived by her children Paul (Jennifer) Randall and Celia “Rose” (Stephen Warner) Randall-Warner; and her grandchildren Grace, Nichole, and Mallory. She was preceded in death by her parents and her husband.

A memorial service was held last Wednesday at Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Church in Detroit. Rev. Peter C. Smith officiated the service. Contributions would be appreciated to the Leelanau Conservancy, PO Box 1007, Leland, MI 49654 or CARE, PO Box 1871, Merrifield, VA 22116. Arrangements by Casterline Funeral Home, Inc.

The Friday Girls are down One

2009-12-02T09:57:00.003-09:00

As many of you know, my Mum passed away on 11/22/09. I plan to sit and write alot about the last week of her life and more.

I am also starting a compilation of my mother's writings. I'm thinking of starting a blog of her writings. Many entries deal with life in WWII London, coming to the USA and life in the 50-90's here in Michigan. She is a really good writer and I think you all may enjoy her stuff.

It will also, as a friend has pointed out, help me work through my own grieving.

Stay tuned and thanks for all the support.

Cool new books..

2009-10-27T05:22:00.004-08:00

Heard an interview on NPR with an author called Julie Holland. The book is "Mornings at Bellevue" and it
s a memoir of her 9 years working the graveyard shift at New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. Sounds like an amazing book!

The other one I want to read is the new Anne Rice book, "Angel Time". She said, in a interview recently, that she is done with always making the Devil the interesting one! Her other book.."Called Out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession", was also a fascinating read. Autobiographical and amazing.

Just finished a great book - "Ines of My Soul": A Novel by Isabel Allende. Really great although a sad reminder of what the "white" Europeans did to the Indian populations in South and North America.

A cute, fast read was "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. Very sweet, slightly teary book that I ripped through and was sad to see end.

Countdown to the weekend!

2009-10-26T10:35:00.001-08:00

Halloween on a Saturday? I don't know about this... I remember, as a child, squirming through class, anticipating trick or treating later that evening. Now I realize that I must have had several Halloweens, in my lifetime, fall on a weekend....but poof! The memory escapes me!

Deer Interrupts Lunch || WXYZ.com | WXYZ-TV / Detroit | Detroit News, Weather, Sports and More

2009-10-12T13:36:00.001-08:00

Deer Interrupts Lunch || WXYZ.com | WXYZ-TV / Detroit | Detroit News, Weather, Sports and More

Posted using ShareThis

Love the Fall

2009-10-09T10:19:00.001-08:00

It's a rainy day...and it's perfect! Going up to sing at a friend's wedding next weekend and I am sooo looking forward to seeing some great color.

And the trees should be beautiful too!

Learning from the Past and steeling for the Future.

2009-10-06T17:54:00.031-08:00

I just spend a half hour reading over logs I have kept since my divorce from my daughter's father. Because of his bizarre behavior, I've kept a rundown of incidents for the Friend of the Court.

I will reprint a few choice items here so that I may have a page to refer to the minute I feel sorry for this man. This is someone who is so lost and so sick that he really needs to stay away from children, period. The funny thing is...he was a teacher in a public school system for years!

A word on the content.. These entries run from 2003 to the present. My daughter is now 10 years old. Hester was Glenn's live-in girlfriend, for a time. She lasted two years. Mallie still misses her. Parker is Mallie's half brother. Miss Teresa ran a wonderful in-home daycare in our neighborhood. With her daughter, Iesah, these woman were powerful supporters of my girl and helped me so much as I was working in Rochester Hills & Shelby Township during those first years as a single mom.

These entries jump all over and it really doesn't matter what order you read them. It's Chaos, plain and simple, and I hope you can begin to understand how hard life has been dealing with this man. I have no more sympathy or empathy for this man. There is no Christian love in my heart for someone who throws away the love of a child - flesh and blood, at that. This is also to remind folks, who are quick to judge, that divorced people with kids must work within the confines of court mandated child visitation. Friend of the Court is overworked and incapable of helping in cases such as mine. I was told that I must follow the visitation set down but that, if anything happened to my daughter while she was in her father's care, I was responsible, being the custodial parent. This is where the Voice of Reason must be obeyed and steps in when things are way tooooo dicey.

And please take note... Crazymakers are sick people and there is NOTHING that can make them "right". Run from these people. Divorce these people. Limit, if possible, your child's involvement with these people. And, most importantly, don't beat yourself up for trying to hang in there. Sometimes you have to cut bait and paddle away. There is no "sense" in what happens with these tortured, sick people and they want to take you down with them. Period.
++++++++++

Wednesday, June 25th. Mallie had spent the night with her father. Glenn called to say that they were still an hour away and that they had been to “Parker’s pool”. She was dropped off around 11pm. The next day I rec’d a call from my ex-brother-in-law and he asked if Glenn had returned from Bayfield, ONT. I realized that the “pool” Glenn had mentioned was at the cabin that Parker and his family rent every summer in Canada. After speaking to Parker’s mother I found out she had asked if Glenn had a copy of Mallie’s birth certificate for the purpose of crossing the international border. Glenn replied that he did not and that he would have had to let me know he was taking her out of country and so had decided against asking for it. (This was a couple of years before laws were changed about traveling to Canada.)

*August 19th, Tuesday. Glenn was to pickup Mallie from daycare. I found no one at his house. I came home and got a message from my friend, Lisa. Her children are in the same day care and our daycare provider had called Lisa to ask that she pick up Mallie – at approx. 6:35. The day care had been closed a half hour, at that point. Glenn could not be reached.

October 21, Tuesday. I called to make a doctor’s appointment for Mallie. The office informed me that we were in collection for non-payment of debt. No appointment time could be given until the matter was solved. I was able to establish that the bill had been sent to Glenn’s house sometime in April 2003 and a follow-up certified letter sent on September 9, 2003. No response from Glenn on this. I prevailed upon Glenn to give us the balance and we were able to see the doctor the next morning. Mallie was in great discomfort by then – she was diagnosed with a bladder infection. Later that day, (10/21) Glenn was pulled over for a minor traffic stop and found to be driving on a suspended license. He was handcuffed and the car impounded.

*December 23, Tuesday. Glenn had asked to have Mallie overnight. Parker was to have been picked up and the two children would spend the night and Christmas Eve day together. Glenn never showed up to pickup Mallie from daycare nor did he call Parker’s mother to explain.

January 26, 2004, Monday. I received a call at work, from my mother, letting me know that Mallie had been left at daycare – again. (This happened 22 more times that year...) No sign of Glenn and no return phone call. I was forced to leave work early and drive home to get her.

Week of March 27 – Mallie was sick all week and did not go to school. Glenn did not see her claiming he was unavailable and I had to take her with me, all week, to the hospital as my father was admitted with a broken hip. (My father did not recover from his accident and died on April 5th.)

Week of July 24 - Monday Mallie called and Glenn asked her to come to the U.P. (where his family lives) on Wednesday. Departure pushed back till Thursday. Glenn shows up an hour and a half late. Later, gets pulled over and all in the car have to be driven to the police station. Car is impounded. Sunday I pick Mallie up at the Mac. Bridge and Mallie tells me the story of the pull over. This explains why Glenn’s brother has driven her down to meet me.

(Finally, I went with a week's summation as there was so much to cover!)

Week of October 2 – Tuesday I pick up Mallie at Glenn’s. He is sleeping so soundly that he does not wake even as we stand next to his bed and call him. I leave without speaking to him. Both TVs are on and loud.

November 26, Wednesday. Glenn had asked that Mallie spend the night. The agreement was that he would pick her up from daycare and take her for the night. He even mentioned taking Mal and Parker to the Thanksgiving Day Parade downtown. When I returned home that evening there were phone messages from Miss Teresa and my mother. Hester picked Mallie up and drove her to my parents. Glenn never showed nor did he call to explain.

April 8, Thursday. Miss Teresa told me that Glenn had not paid her for the previous week. Without payment she would not be able to take Mallie. I called and left messages with Glenn as did Teresa.

April 9, Friday. Good Friday and a vacation day for Glenn. Still no call from Glenn.

April 10, Saturday. I called several times (from Thursday on) to ask if Glenn wanted to see Mallie for the holiday and as we were leaving town for a few days, a chance for a visit. He called very late that evening to ask to see her before church the next morning. We had to leave at 7:45 a.m. so no go. After so much laxness on his part I did not feel the need to accommodate him. I also told him that he needed to pay Miss Teresa. I don’t know the status of that at present.

April 12, Monday. Mallie and I left for 4 days vacation up north. During that time away Mallie dropped the bombshell that she had observed her father snorting cocaine. At the dinner table she said…”it’s funny when Daddy takes that circle thing and takes the lines of white powder and sniffs it up his nose”. (Mallie was then 4 years old.)

April 15, Thursday. I called Glenn when we returned home and Mallie spoke to him. Mallie has started to see a child therapist.

February 23, Monday. There was no communication from Glenn over the weekend. He did not respond to my phone messages. I spoke to his other ex-wife and she also had not heard from Glenn. We are both apprehensive about the children spending solo time with him without their sibling.

February 24, Tuesday. I arrived at Glenn’s house to pick up Mallie.. At first, he made me wait outside in the cold. She finally opened the door. He was extremely agitated and upset. He got into my face and started to call me a “fucking controlling bitch”. This was in front of Mallie. I kept sending her away to get her things as he did not seem to notice she was there. He bumped his chest into mine and was very aggressive. I kept my voice low and did not match his intensity because I was really afraid that he would really go off in front of Mallie. He was still calling me names as we walked out the front door.

February 25, Wednesday. Glenn and I attended court. It was set up that Glenn would take Mallie Tuesday and Wednesday nights (I am to pick her up at his house) and every other Friday and Saturday – Friday 6pm till Sunday at 6pm when he is supposed to pick up and drop off from my house. Glenn preferred less parenting time. He would not take her that weekend because it was inconvenient. The court ordered that the weekend schedule would go into effect March 5th.
+++++++++++++

This has been a wild ride for years, as you can see. Currently, Mallie has not seen her dad since June 21st of this year. She actually called him a couple of days ago and they had a 10 minute conversation. He never suggested the two of them getting together. He lives about a 5 minute drive from us. I allow her to call him whenever she wishes. This was the longest she has gone without speaking to him since the divorce.

I can't say why I am putting all this down now. I guess to remember that some people are incapable of change. I have learned hard lessons and will never again question the Voice Of Wisdom in my head. I am very proud of the person my daughter is today. She is smart, loving, practical and kind. Thankfully, her father has melted away, for the time being, and my girl has grown to understand that her father has many issues and problems to combat. She does not blame him but his "mind which is not right",-her words. She is an outgoing, beautiful person and I am so very proud of her.

For those of you who have come across this blog randomly and recognize your struggles here in my words, take heart. Hang in there and talk to your kids. They need to know what's happening so that they can figure out their reaction to it. My daughter knows that, deep down, her father loves her. As they say in step groups, she knows to hate the disease and love the addict.

Thanks for listening.

DISNEY IDEA!

2009-10-05T02:05:00.007-08:00

I just had the most amazing dream! It's just 6am and it seems as if I cannot sleep late anymore.... Must be a midlife deal...and it sucks! But read on, McDuff!

So in my dream my husband and I take our daughter to see a Broadway musical and we are with other friends too... We arrive and have pretty decent seats but we are not all sitting together. This is the last time we see our friends...their seats are elsewhere. Now as we turn to look at where we are at we see that the three seats are separated - two together and the single is down the aisle. Hmm, what to do? We ask someone official if there is anything they can do to help.

"Come with me", says a pleasant young man and he leads us down a darkened corridor and down some stairs - "big theatre!" I think! Are we heading to seats on the main floor? Wow, that would be cool! After negotiating some steps we come to what appears to be a big black SUV! I'm the last one to emerge from the dark. My daughter and husband are already seated inside. ????? The car will take us to a better location..(Did I mention it's a big theatre?)

We emerge and walk down some other corridor and are lead into what looks like the backstage area. The only thing that's confusing is the massive board that two men are sitting in front of, obviously waiting to cue the show. We are in the "booth" and the show is moments away! I'm afraid our pleasant young man will lead us right onto the stage! We continue, past the board and out ...outside that is! Now we are in the orchestra pit (Florida? There are palm trees here and there. This looks like Disneyland!) and this young man is leading my daughter to some percussion instruments. We see that other kids are there too and I realize that our friends have planned this to be an amazing adventure. My daughter is lead, past the cellos (significant if you know my daughter!) and to some interesting drums and such... Is it Lion King? Beauty and the Beast? She plays along with the overture and I do the typical Mum thing...I cry. I am so happy to see her beaming!

After that is over we continue to our "real" seats. It's a little lounge and our seats don't face the stage but...get this...a theatre organ! My husband can't resist. (...for those of you who know my hubby....;) He plays another overture piece and somewhere, in the distance, is his friend playing a cool piece on sax.. (This obviously comes from the fact that my husband - in real life - is recording these pieces with his friend this week...and that they will work them into an overture at the Michigan Theatre.

Okay... I am thinking maybe the Disney folks will think this is cool and hire my husband to play on a regular basis! I look around at where we are sitting. I notice there are some tv screens and it's clear we have no straight shot, viewing wise, of the stage.

That's when another pleasant faced dude comes over, calling my daughter's name...kinda like a page. Again, her face lights up. More surprises from my friend! We are invited to come forward and stand at the edge of the balcony to watch the stage below...

And then...I woke up. Ahhh, the mystery of dreams... Kinda like little tv shows that can run all season or have their plug pulled after the pilot episode! Not even, right?

Gee, I wonder what the production was going to be?

Something Lighter - Part 1

2009-10-02T07:16:00.003-08:00

To add to what I have posted below....here is my other "loved one"...my husband. I am lucky to live with him and my daughter and they are both extraordinary...

Something lighter

2009-10-02T06:45:00.004-08:00

After last night's post... I just wanted to refocus on my loved ones. Here are some shots of my lovely daughter who is shaping up to be my most favorite person in the world. These are shots from the last 5 years....

Points to Ponder

2009-10-01T16:55:00.003-08:00

Today I sang at a funeral of a young man. He was 25 years old. Now, I must say I did not know this gentleman and it is not my intention to speak ill of those who have passed so please forgive me if I offend. It is not my intention.

This man had spent some time in his life shooting himself in the foot, as it were. Addiction problems and bad choices seems to rain over his years. What he had going for him was a family that stayed by his side and some kind of inner truth that told him that this was not the way to live. I understand the life of one who loves an addict. It took many meetings with a NAR-ANON family support group to understand how to cope with the anger and resentment that these people bring to our lives. Those people helped me make the decision to back away from this person. He still lives in darkness. God help him.

What I heard today were many of this man's family members speaking only of the love and support they got from him. Fellow addicts spoke of him with praise and admiration. He died as the result of a tragic accident. To his eternal credit, he came to the Pearly Gates Clean and Sober. That seemed incredibly important to him. And to his family.

So why did the plug get pulled on his life? This is one of those.."Why, God?" moments. The man learned some tough lessons and seemed ready to give back to his community, to make something of the rest of his life. And the rest of his life never came.

I came across a card from a friend of mine, now deceased as well. My friend, Jonathan, died of liver cancer just after his 40th birthday. I spoke to him a week or so before he died...and he was very sad. "Why now?" he kept saying. He had reconciled with his wife and they were living together raising their son. Life was on the upswing..and then.. Cancer. He was gone only months after his diagnosis.

What is that about, God?

Or the many people I know who have been taken way before their work here was done. If they could have stayed just another decade, what could they have achieved? What could they have accomplished? What lives would they have touched?

It's things like this that pass through my mind when I'm driving or sitting quietly or missing someone...time to think and remember.

Life is a mystery, there is no doubt. To all the saints, who from their labors rest....look down on us and love us. We keep you alive in our hearts and we can only hope you look in from time to time.

Thanks for the memories.

White Water Rafting - read below!

2009-07-25T19:16:00.002-08:00

Read below for the story to these photos!

2009-07-25T19:02:00.001-08:00

Koritsia - a girls' choir from Sweden

2009-07-25T12:37:00.001-08:00

Check out these ladies.....fun!

Montana.....sigh.

2009-07-25T10:21:00.006-08:00

I just finished watching "A River Runs Through It" and it made me realize something... I am in love with Montana! Yup, it's true. Before I recount my adventures there here are a couple of quotes from the movie.....

Norman Maclean: Dear Jesse, as the moon lingers a moment over the Bitterroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly; not to the music, but something else; some place else; a place remembered; a field of grass where no one seemed to have been; except a deer; and the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you, dancing in my awkward arms.

And......
"My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night. But ah my foes, and oh my friends - it gives a lovely light."

Both are lovely. I happen to know that the second quote is actually from a poem by the amazing author Edna St. Vincent Millay. I would highly recommend this book to read more about the woman. But I digress.

Montana....sigh. Where to start. First off, I will start with the connection between our trip to the 2009 International Choral Festival and Norman Maclean. Our choir - The Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Chancel Choir was hosted (friended) by the First Presbyterian Church of Missoula, Montana.

This church was once pastored by Reverend Maclean who was the father of the man who wrote the story which later became the wonderful movie directed and narrated by Robert Redford. In fact, the church is currently raising funds for a statue to the man himself!

Anyway, our trip started with a flight to Salt Lake City (fabulous airport shops!!!) and then another flight to Spokane. (For future reference, it's a bit cheaper to come in there instead of arriving at the Missoula airport.) The next day we drove the three hours through Washington, Idaho and finally into Montana and the charming town of Missoula. What a brilliant start to an amazing week! We met at First Pres. , rehearsed and headed to our first gig of the festival...the Southgate Mall!

Okay...you may be saying...a Mall? Yup, just what we thought too but it was a venue on the Festival circuit and there was probably about 300 folks there! It was a lovely, relaxing start to a busy week.

We met our "friends" Mike and Mary Fussell who took us to their home and our lovely room. What a great couple! For me, Montana will always have a Texas twang to it because of the Fussells. We went from there to their home, changed and went off to a welcome picnic at Bonner Park. All the choirs were there and, if you click on the Jefferson Ave. Choir link you will be able to read about all the choirs there....

We were not able to stay for the concert but went off to rehearse. I think our choir director was not sure how we would stand up to the other choirs so we woodshedded some more to be in tip top condition. Remember, we have only met once a week this year with two day long rehearsals and the music we were planning on performing was intense and decidedly un-church like.

Later, we headed back and made our first pilgrimage to the Big Dipper. All I can say about this place is WOW!!!! Check out all the amazing flavors offered. This began a nightly ritual that was a great chance to meet and greet fellow singers, concert goers who had become followers of the choir and the local yokels. We also were able to meet some college friends of my hubby who were passing through Montana to their home in Washington. A great couple, we enjoyed ice cream and a long stroll through town - topped off with a great view from Pattee Canyon over the city!

On to Thursday and another concert. This one was given at the UM Recital Hall on the campus of University of Montana.

We ROCKED it. Pretty much. Later, I met up with an older brother of a classmate of mine from Livonia days!!! A graduate of Stevenson in '68 Patrick Williams is on staff at the U and a follower of Lowell Everson. He was my first real musical mentor and his wife was my first voice teacher. Mind blowing, eh?

We broke for lunch at a charming place called Food for Thought. Yum! After a brisk walk around campus we were back for another rehearsal - this time at the UM University Theatre. Nice space and great musicians. Our director had hired an acoustic guitarist and a wonderful string quartet for the evening performance of "South Dakota Shadows" - our offering by Jackson Berkey. That concert was amazing!

I have forgotten to mention the other choirs on our shows as well. The first one in the mall featured us and the choir from Taiwan. The second (recital hall) featured the choirs from Sweden (WOW. Look at my Facebook page for YouTube on them) and the children's choir from the Czech Republic. The evening performance at the theatre included the choirs from South Korea and Germany. Both were AWESOME although the S. Koreans had a problem with time! They went WAY over their allotted concert time but they were worth it. The concert went long but folks went away satisfied! Patrick came back to that performace with a album of my high school choir and pointed out his sister's name and I was finally able to understand how kismet our meeting had been, earlier. His young sister had been my best mate in elementary school!!! We were both om the album he showed me - and one I own as well.

Another visit to the Big Dipper ended a wonderfully hectic day.

Friday morning we had free so a number of us became audience members and listened to the Swedish and UC Berkeley Alumni choirs. WOW, again. Later in the day, Mike took us around town and down to the beautiful carousel in the middle of town. Take a moment and read up on it..I'll wait.

Cool, eh???? BTW, it was not cool that day in Montana with a temp. of near 100 degrees. But, it is true, the dry heat is MUCH easier to deal with and I was not as uncomfortable as I would have thought. It was very nice, in fact!

Later, we met up at St. Anthony's Catholic Church - another venue - and performed a very well received concert - one of our best including a performance of Berkey's piece "Arma Lucis".

Of course, I am not mentioning the wonderfully late evenings spent drinking Moose Drool and Trout Slayer beer in the Fussell kitchen, petting Maggie the dog and talking about the superiority of Mac laptops!

Saturday was a red letter day! The Fussells organized a white water rafting trip on the Clark Fork River and through the Alberton Gorge. Class 3 rapids and an amazing staff made for a FAB day! We actually took the last half of the river out of the boats,floating down the river.....sigh. Heaven, sheer heaven.

Too soon we had to dry off and drive back for the big outdoor finale concert of the Festival. The "Parade of Nations" started off with the Celtic Dragon Pipe Band and we were ushered into UM Washington -Grizzly Stadium - it was so like the Olympics!! The crowd of about 3000 cheered from the stands as we marched in with our flag and sign reading MICHIGAN USA. There, each choir sang two numbers. Later, there was a great adult reception at the Commons, University Center with more great beer and food and a lovely band. (The kid choirs were hosted by other families and had their own bash.) All the singers danced, ate and talked to each other, exchanging cards and took photos of each other's antics. Another amazing day!

Sunday we headed out early to First Presbyterian to sing their 9:30 Summer service. It was lovely and so many were there that I think some were concert goers who had followed us to hear the group one more time. In the afternoon, Mary and I went to Cottonwood Traders to find souvenirs for the folks back home. Great place!

Mary and I rejoined the gang at the Fort Missoula Historical Museum for a farewell picnic. Great catered food, more great beer and more great friends! We came back and got ready for our last rehearsal/performance of the week. Our last stop was the contemplative mass at St. Francis X. Catholic Church.

While it was hot inside - no AC in alot of places in Missoula - it was really lovely and we, again, sang our hearts out - ending with Ubi Caritas.

Very appropriate as the words read...

Where charity and love are, God is there.

Christ's love has gathered us into one.

Let us rejoice and be pleased in Him.

Let us fear, and let us love the living God.

And may we love each other with a sincere heart.

Where charity and love are, God is there.

As we are gathered into one body,

Beware, lest we be divided in mind.

Let evil impulses stop, let controversy cease,

And may Christ our God be in our midst.

Where charity and love are, God is there.

And may we with the saints also,

See Thy face in glory, O Christ our God:

The joy that is immense and good,

Unto the ages through infinite ages. Amen.

After the concert, Steve and I joined our old friend Jeff for an amazing dinner at the Lolo Steak House where we ate "as if we were going to the Chair". Sigh. Then, of course, we made our last visit to The Big Dipper.

The next day, we had to pack up and drive back to Spokane to catch our flight to Seattle (a little out of the way but whatever!) and back home. On the way, we stopped in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho for a stroll and a light lunch. Then we continued into Washington and dropped off our cars - we all had Subaru Outbacks for the trip - and got on the plane.

Sigh...so it is. I am in love with Montana. Was it the magic of the music that has colored my feelings for this amazing place or the sheer beauty of the area...? Can't tell without another trip!

Hope you enjoyed my love letter. I enjoyed remembering it all!

I'll post pictures in my next posting.

Thanks for reading!