My dad is gone and my mom suffers from terminal cancer. That being said, I want to say that my mom and dad are not those things to me. Death, cancer...all bullshit. I am in a battle right now for a grip on where life is leading me and all of us, for that matter.
To the grave.
My dad went on ahead and I miss him so much sometimes. My mom is in a holding pattern that, at times , is very difficult to watch. I wish my parents could be together again. It's not that I want my mom to die but I know how she misses him too. And it's not just my mom that's dying, right? We are all inching there. Geez, if you read the news some of us are running at breakneck speed towards it!
So, today, I cried because I am tired of thinking about "It". Tired of worrying about "it". When will "It" come and take my mum? Will it be a good thing or a bad thing? "It, It, It". I hate "IT"!
Here we are in Winter - okay not officially! - and it is the season of "It", right? Death and decay, right? I claim to love this season. The stillness and the beauty is awesome. I want to embrace the inner quiet of "It" and not be so afraid to look "It" in the eye. I want to stop being sad and remember that there is transformation and rejuvenation after all the death and decay. The opposite of suffering is peace and into every life a little death must fall..... or something like that.
Are you struggling with someone who is nearer to "It" than to you? How do you cope with it?
2 comments:
Rosie, take heart.
Yesterday was the 7th anniversary of my dad's death; October the 20th anniversary of my mom's. In just a few months, I will be older than my mother ever was; I am 50. (Since turning 50, "It" is on my mind constantly these days.) My in-laws passed 7 years ago and 4 years ago. My hubby has had 5 musician pals die in the past 2 weeks.
Yes, "It" is very tough.
Coping as a caretaker, coping as a friend/relative, and coping with one's impending "It" are all individual, separate. Guilt, sadness, fear.
Here is a link to a BBC story, one of many about defining moments, this one by Sheikh Yamani. Perhaps it will help. I hope.
news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/middle_east/3055760.stm
Did you notice the 'stop' sign in the background? Hmmm....
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