It's been some time since I "blogged". I guess, part of it anyway, is that life has been very hard lately. I have chosen to not work a full time job because I have a mum who has terminal cancer. She doesn't drive and is too stubborn to leave her house and come live with us. I need to be able to take her to hospital/doctor visits, the store, the pharmacy, etc. Now I travel with a wheelchair in the trunk as this is the best way for us to get things done together.
My husband has a boss who is not too great on the business end but great in the job he does. This results in problems with paychecks and billing. This trickles down to some real problems keeping the lights on at our house.
Add in some recent water problems in our basement - in my studio room too - and downright panic begins to set it. Several very scary bills on the horizon and no real clear cut path to make sure the money will be there.
I had a little melt down last night. I was in the basement and I thought I couldn't be heard. Turns out, my daughter heard me. It scared her. Now, I know we cannot shield our children from all the bad things in the world but I really felt sheepish. We had a long talk about how we deal with the "bad things" in life. How freaking out never really solves things or makes us feel better (at least beyond the first minute or two ;) . We talked about how "hard" life is right now. Then we looked at all the amazing things we have in our life.
I have a mom who is 83 years old and is still here. She can walk and talk and still be an inspiration. She was married to my father for 60 years and in love with him for most all of that time. ( I say most all because we all know that living with anyone can get on your nerves here and there.) In April, he will have been gone for two years. That was a bad time. He lives in our hearts and we remember him almost every week.
My mom just got DSL installed in her home. Cool, eh? She has lived in her home since 1956 and I don't know if she will ever be able to end that chapter of her life. We have asked her to live with us. So far, no go. But there is enough love there that that is an open ended option. Unusual? In talking to others...yup.
I have a husband whom I adore. Yup, I adore him. Do I want to smack him sometimes? Okay, sure. Again, normal I think, right? When he hugs me I feel safer. Period. Don't know why he can do that..but he can. Last night, I told my daughter ...you can read the paper and watch the news and every day there are terrible stories of unloved, unwanted kids. She has loads of people who love her and her mom and stepdad head up the list. There's safety. Always.
Someone asked recently.."when are you happy?" Was it when I was singing? Was it music that made me happy? I thought for a minute. If you know me at all you know that music is my life. I do love all aspects of it....but happy? When I am with my husband and daughter I am happy. It's an easy decision. It can be at the dinner table or watching a movie..anything.. That old happy thing creeps up and is right there under the covers along with our cat, Amy. As Kander and Ebb once wrote.."It's a Quiet Thing".
Did I mention my talented, smart, lovely daughter? Okay...don't have the time to write all my thoughts here about her. She has been my reason for being the best me I can be for a very long time now. I love to watch her "becoming". I love to listen to how she sees the world. I feel confident she will, one day, "give back" to this planet and it's people. Not sure how yet..just know it.
I have friends. Not a slew of them. A handful of really close friends whom I admire and love. I have lots of friends who kinda know me and that's cool. I have a handful of friends who really know me ...and still like me.
Money...sigh. Still working on a friendship there. Maybe I can work through why that's been a rocky road for me but I will say that I am actively courting it, trying to make it more black and white/green. Trying to see it as a tool and I am working to learn the skills to operate it.
I am so thankful that I can see this most every day. I can see that I have a loving family - I haven't even mentioned my in-laws and bro-in-law. I do believe I am loved and that is really what keeps me going. Geez, that is schmaltzy, eh?
Damn if it ain't true.
So glad I can ramble here and get some stuff out of my head. If you have read this far...you must really be bored! Go read a good book! Or call me and let's do lunch.
Cross that off. Make it coffee - it's cheaper!
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