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Wednesday, February 25, 2015
A very merry Un-Birthday to you, to you!
So here I am in the second month of 2015 and feeling a bit ....unsettled. No, that's not the right word. Anchorless. Can that apply to a person?
It's a cold yet sunny morning in late February and I am stuck on a project. Can't get my creative juices flowing and when that happens I write. I do that to get my brain focused and percolating. That's something I haven't felt much of this week. Hmmm, I could blame it on the cold. While we haven't had as many "snow" days as last winter we have had more "cold" days where the temperature and wind chill numbers were too nasty and dangerous for kids that need to wait on buses or push their way through high snow piles frozen nearly solid.
I look at the calendar and see that we are almost at the end of the month and that when I flip the calendar I see it.... my birthday. Ah ha! Now I get it. The slight depression, the lethargy, the feeling that I am adrift....
COME ON, you say, IT'S JUST A BIRTHDAY! IT'S JUST A NUMBER, you say.... Nope, that is not it. I don't really care what the number is. No, really.
This feeling of being adrift from the nuclear family I was raised in could be at the center. That may be the root of these feelings. It's another year farther from that time. The period of my life when I could pick up the phone and be in contact with my loved ones. I mean, geez, that sounds rather dramatic, doesn't it? What I mean to say is....I have lost people, as we all have, and I miss them very much...in a nutshell. Those people helped define my past and helped shape me into the person I am today. My birthday is my yearly milestone of time passing.
There's nothing to mark it.... I mean not like a major holiday. A birthday is your own moment. You wake up on your "day" and you feel....something. Most of the population wakes up and it's Monday. You walk out of your house and you may feel like there is a cloud around you...a cloud that announces to the world..."hey, today's a special day for me.." However, the Monday folks are going about their lives and there is nothing to celebrate. For the majority of the population it's an UN-BIRTHDAY, if you will.
Curious about how the rest of the world deals with birthdays? Take a look here.
Okay...so let's recap.... It may appear that I expect a party when I leave my door on March 2nd. Right? Is that what you are gleaning from my rambling thus far?
Sorry, it was a misdirect. What is really happening here is this. I miss people. On this one day of the year, I keenly feel the passage of time. More so than a major holiday when there are so many things to do....cook, clean, plan....
For the last ten years, or so, I have offered a gathering at my house. A winter celebration using my birthday as the marker. I started it when I was divorced and cut off from the "family" I thought I had. I turned to my family of friends and my nuclear family to remind myself that I was not alone. What I wanted, for my birthday, was to be surrounded by my friends, my family.... To not feel alone.
There, I knew if I wrote long enough, the truth would be outed.
My father has been gone from this earth since 2006, my mother since 2009. My friend, Kim, has been gone since 2010 along with my friend, Jay, in 2013 and my friend Ken in 2014. Every year I age...they do not. Strange thought, that.
I wonder how older people feel. The really old ones that live long, long lives. People like Alice Herz-Sommer who lived to be 110. She outlived most members of her family including her only child, her son Raphael. How did she feel on her birthdays, I wonder?
So now I have to decide, as we all decide, how I will move forward. How do I carry all those memories, those longings, the grief of not seeing those faces anymore...? Or maybe I should see it differently. Maybe it is the one day of the year that I allow all that to come bubbling to the surface. I allow all those feelings to remind me that I am still on the earth and that I still have the opportunity to build memories in someone else's heart. I am not alone when I allow those people to come to mind. I know that they are in my heart to access anytime I wish.
This will take a little thought.
Until I have fished through all those feelings I will not feel like I have celebrated another year lived, another year gone on the calendar.
I think that may be why I miss my childhood birthdays so much. Things were a lot simpler then, right?
Ahhh, the trials of adulthood.
I have nothing deep or profound to share to end this all. Only this small realization......I will strive to allow myself to feel all those memories and ghosts on my "day" and maybe allow myself a moment to thank them all for what they have given me. The good and the bad.
I am the sum total.
And I need to remind myself.......I am enough.
It's a cold yet sunny morning in late February and I am stuck on a project. Can't get my creative juices flowing and when that happens I write. I do that to get my brain focused and percolating. That's something I haven't felt much of this week. Hmmm, I could blame it on the cold. While we haven't had as many "snow" days as last winter we have had more "cold" days where the temperature and wind chill numbers were too nasty and dangerous for kids that need to wait on buses or push their way through high snow piles frozen nearly solid.
I look at the calendar and see that we are almost at the end of the month and that when I flip the calendar I see it.... my birthday. Ah ha! Now I get it. The slight depression, the lethargy, the feeling that I am adrift....
COME ON, you say, IT'S JUST A BIRTHDAY! IT'S JUST A NUMBER, you say.... Nope, that is not it. I don't really care what the number is. No, really.
This feeling of being adrift from the nuclear family I was raised in could be at the center. That may be the root of these feelings. It's another year farther from that time. The period of my life when I could pick up the phone and be in contact with my loved ones. I mean, geez, that sounds rather dramatic, doesn't it? What I mean to say is....I have lost people, as we all have, and I miss them very much...in a nutshell. Those people helped define my past and helped shape me into the person I am today. My birthday is my yearly milestone of time passing.
There's nothing to mark it.... I mean not like a major holiday. A birthday is your own moment. You wake up on your "day" and you feel....something. Most of the population wakes up and it's Monday. You walk out of your house and you may feel like there is a cloud around you...a cloud that announces to the world..."hey, today's a special day for me.." However, the Monday folks are going about their lives and there is nothing to celebrate. For the majority of the population it's an UN-BIRTHDAY, if you will.
Curious about how the rest of the world deals with birthdays? Take a look here.
Okay...so let's recap.... It may appear that I expect a party when I leave my door on March 2nd. Right? Is that what you are gleaning from my rambling thus far?
Sorry, it was a misdirect. What is really happening here is this. I miss people. On this one day of the year, I keenly feel the passage of time. More so than a major holiday when there are so many things to do....cook, clean, plan....
For the last ten years, or so, I have offered a gathering at my house. A winter celebration using my birthday as the marker. I started it when I was divorced and cut off from the "family" I thought I had. I turned to my family of friends and my nuclear family to remind myself that I was not alone. What I wanted, for my birthday, was to be surrounded by my friends, my family.... To not feel alone.
There, I knew if I wrote long enough, the truth would be outed.
My father has been gone from this earth since 2006, my mother since 2009. My friend, Kim, has been gone since 2010 along with my friend, Jay, in 2013 and my friend Ken in 2014. Every year I age...they do not. Strange thought, that.
I wonder how older people feel. The really old ones that live long, long lives. People like Alice Herz-Sommer who lived to be 110. She outlived most members of her family including her only child, her son Raphael. How did she feel on her birthdays, I wonder?
So now I have to decide, as we all decide, how I will move forward. How do I carry all those memories, those longings, the grief of not seeing those faces anymore...? Or maybe I should see it differently. Maybe it is the one day of the year that I allow all that to come bubbling to the surface. I allow all those feelings to remind me that I am still on the earth and that I still have the opportunity to build memories in someone else's heart. I am not alone when I allow those people to come to mind. I know that they are in my heart to access anytime I wish.
This will take a little thought.
Until I have fished through all those feelings I will not feel like I have celebrated another year lived, another year gone on the calendar.
I think that may be why I miss my childhood birthdays so much. Things were a lot simpler then, right?
Ahhh, the trials of adulthood.
I have nothing deep or profound to share to end this all. Only this small realization......I will strive to allow myself to feel all those memories and ghosts on my "day" and maybe allow myself a moment to thank them all for what they have given me. The good and the bad.
I am the sum total.
And I need to remind myself.......I am enough.
2015....nope...2014!
Well, well, well... Feeling a bit stuck this fine sunny morning late in February. Decided to see if I could write myself out of this slump. I open my blog and realize....GASP. I never wrote a thing for the calendar year of 2014!
For my own benefit and to make last year seem like it counted for something...here are my recollections of last year..
In February we visited my brothers-in-law in Cleveland. Yup, while some of us gravitate to warmer climates, during school breaks, we brave the elements and head to another one of the Great Lakes. This time Stephen was able to meet us and we had a great time. We love to go to the Westside Market, catching shows at various museums and dining out.
March was the start of another production and this time we did a version of “Peter Pan”. A lot of fun. Say, did you watch the recent live television version of it? I wasn’t home and forgot to DVR it so I could only play catch up through YouTube clips. What did you think? Interesting production but I have to say I was completely underwhelmed by Mr. Christopher Walken in the role of Captain Hook.
In May my car, Edmund, died and I bought a chocolate brown Kia Rondo that I christened “Campbell” – a female car this time around. I love it and it has really come in handy to drive an automatic now that Mallory is taking Drivers Ed. (Yikes!)
She went back into the Marching Band Color Guard for the second year and loved it. The kids worked very hard and made it to the State Finals at Ford Field (Detroit) this year. With a group of 60 they went up against bands of 140 and 160 kids but we felt they sounded great and looked just as strong. Steve, being a former Drum Major back in his high school days in Traverse City, enjoyed the season and was able to come with me to most of the games and competitions.
The summer brought new opportunities to travel and we enjoyed time up north with Mal and even without her as she attended Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp for the third year, playing cello. Watching the fireworks on Traverse Bay, just Steve and I, was a little strange but we thought of her at camp and knew she was having fun with all her mates.
Unfortunately, while I was out and about, that week of the 4th of July, my email account was hacked and I had to close down my long standing email address. The old SBCGOBAL account is kaput. I really liked that address. Geez!
At the end of August, I had the chance to visit a gal pal who moved to San Diego earlier this year. I spent 10 days hanging out with her, traveling to many costal communities and seeing the sunset on as many beaches as I could. After a long summer of teaching theater camp I welcomed the chance to kick back and get away from it all while Mal was at band camp and Steve worked on several large organ restoration jobs. Southern California is spectacle.
In September, we auditioned over 300 kids and adults in one wild week casting “Annie” and “Sound of Music”. The first ran in November and we will open S.O.M. at the end of next month. We did “Annie” with two casts as we have in the past but with the turn out we had for the latter the decision was made to have THREE casts. Rehearsals have been fun and it’s great to see the groups get stronger as we inch closer to “Sound of Music” opening.
October was busy as Stephen prepared a score to play on the theater organ for the 1922 silent film, “Nosferatu”. Playing twice, at Masonic Temple and the Michigan Theater, he was asked to do a couple of the morning newscasts to promote the shows and it was great fun to tune in and watch. Mallory and I were able to go to the Ann Arbor performance and experience 800 people giving my husband a standing ovation.
November saw Mal getting braces (!) and started her driving lessons. As usual, at Thanksgiving, we traveled up to Steve’s folks in TC and enjoyed a longer vacation by the lake. Taking off a Sunday from our church, the three of us were the music for the service at his folks’ church. Mallory deigned to sing a duet with her old mum and we enjoyed the laid back atmosphere of this lovely little congregation.
And now here we are in December. It’s about 50 degrees outside right now and I can only hope for a White Christmas. Either way, I know it will be a time spent with family and friends. I am really looking forward to it. I hope this letter finds you in good health and great spirit. We send our best wishes for a wonderful holiday season and pray for a peaceful New Year.
Happy Christmas. God bless us, everyone.
For my own benefit and to make last year seem like it counted for something...here are my recollections of last year..
December 2014
Hello there!
With seasonal music
playing and the tree lit, I feel in the mood to sit and write a little. With Thanksgiving
being later this year I feel rather behind in all the holiday
preparations. Our house is filled with
family at Christmas and I like to create as nice an environment as I can so
that everyone feels relaxed and welcomed. Growing up, I always dreamed of
having a house full at Christmas and I channel my mother every year as I pore over
cookbooks and come up with special dishes to serve the large gang here on
Christmas Day. I love it. Trying to keep
of good humor can be difficult during hectic times and although I like to keep
up on current events the morning news is, recently, very hard to listen to. Don’t you agree? Perhaps that’s we love to
share a good cat video or some cute baby that laughs at the sound of paper
being ripped. Sigh. What brought a smile to your face in 2014 and reminded you
of the good in the world?
Last January we
endured the deep cold and heavy snow of my childhood….and I loved it! Do you
know we had 6 or 7 snows days in that month alone? There is something downright delicious when
you wake up on a dark, snowy morning to the school closing alert and know you
can climb right back into your warm bed for another hour of sleep. Steve and I
made a short video of me throwing water up into the night sky and watching it turn
to smoke on one of those -15 degree evening. Wow!
Sky’s the Limit
Productions, the youth theater I have been with for over a decade, auditioned
and cast “101 Dalmations” with K-6th
grade kids. We had a blast putting on the show a couple of months later. This
was our first time doing a show with kids in that age range and they did a
marvelous job. As usual, we had two casts of kids and with that fun music and
all those spotted dogs….well, it was a lot of fun.
In February we visited my brothers-in-law in Cleveland. Yup, while some of us gravitate to warmer climates, during school breaks, we brave the elements and head to another one of the Great Lakes. This time Stephen was able to meet us and we had a great time. We love to go to the Westside Market, catching shows at various museums and dining out.
March was the start of another production and this time we did a version of “Peter Pan”. A lot of fun. Say, did you watch the recent live television version of it? I wasn’t home and forgot to DVR it so I could only play catch up through YouTube clips. What did you think? Interesting production but I have to say I was completely underwhelmed by Mr. Christopher Walken in the role of Captain Hook.
In May my car, Edmund, died and I bought a chocolate brown Kia Rondo that I christened “Campbell” – a female car this time around. I love it and it has really come in handy to drive an automatic now that Mallory is taking Drivers Ed. (Yikes!)
She went back into the Marching Band Color Guard for the second year and loved it. The kids worked very hard and made it to the State Finals at Ford Field (Detroit) this year. With a group of 60 they went up against bands of 140 and 160 kids but we felt they sounded great and looked just as strong. Steve, being a former Drum Major back in his high school days in Traverse City, enjoyed the season and was able to come with me to most of the games and competitions.
The summer brought new opportunities to travel and we enjoyed time up north with Mal and even without her as she attended Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp for the third year, playing cello. Watching the fireworks on Traverse Bay, just Steve and I, was a little strange but we thought of her at camp and knew she was having fun with all her mates.
Unfortunately, while I was out and about, that week of the 4th of July, my email account was hacked and I had to close down my long standing email address. The old SBCGOBAL account is kaput. I really liked that address. Geez!
At the end of August, I had the chance to visit a gal pal who moved to San Diego earlier this year. I spent 10 days hanging out with her, traveling to many costal communities and seeing the sunset on as many beaches as I could. After a long summer of teaching theater camp I welcomed the chance to kick back and get away from it all while Mal was at band camp and Steve worked on several large organ restoration jobs. Southern California is spectacle.
In September, we auditioned over 300 kids and adults in one wild week casting “Annie” and “Sound of Music”. The first ran in November and we will open S.O.M. at the end of next month. We did “Annie” with two casts as we have in the past but with the turn out we had for the latter the decision was made to have THREE casts. Rehearsals have been fun and it’s great to see the groups get stronger as we inch closer to “Sound of Music” opening.
October was busy as Stephen prepared a score to play on the theater organ for the 1922 silent film, “Nosferatu”. Playing twice, at Masonic Temple and the Michigan Theater, he was asked to do a couple of the morning newscasts to promote the shows and it was great fun to tune in and watch. Mallory and I were able to go to the Ann Arbor performance and experience 800 people giving my husband a standing ovation.
November saw Mal getting braces (!) and started her driving lessons. As usual, at Thanksgiving, we traveled up to Steve’s folks in TC and enjoyed a longer vacation by the lake. Taking off a Sunday from our church, the three of us were the music for the service at his folks’ church. Mallory deigned to sing a duet with her old mum and we enjoyed the laid back atmosphere of this lovely little congregation.
And now here we are in December. It’s about 50 degrees outside right now and I can only hope for a White Christmas. Either way, I know it will be a time spent with family and friends. I am really looking forward to it. I hope this letter finds you in good health and great spirit. We send our best wishes for a wonderful holiday season and pray for a peaceful New Year.
Happy Christmas. God bless us, everyone.
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