I miss her

"I don't know if I can keeping doing this, Cec. The problem is that I am still interested in so much. I want to see what you and Mallie are doing. I don't want to miss anything!"

I was writing to a friend, this morning, and I recalled these words of my mum. She said this only about a month before her death.
( read previous entries for the account of her last week )

She was a woman of many talents. She was "Martha Stewart" before that was a phrase.. She made holidays festive with incredible food and homemade decoration. For 40 years she threw a Christmas party that friends still remember. Complete with amazing finger foods, cocktails, an amazing buffet, specially put together presents and music, this woman also trimmed the house and painted all the baseboards and doorways so that things would look fresh and festive!

We kids were never allowed in the living room, Christmas morning, until the tree was on, candles lit, food put out and music playing. We were always amazed at the transformation of our little house. It was magical.

My mother loved travel and every trip we took we always had adventures along the way. Whether it was Mammoth Caves in Kentucky or standing at the bridge at Concord or marveling at the design of Monticello...we were given a love of history that was constantly reinforced.

My brother and I grew up in a house that was full of books and music. Our parents even picked out music to be playing for that first moment home, after our births. My brother was serenaded by Bach's Unaccompanied Cello Sonatas and I was celebrated with Handel's Watermusic!

Our parents were constantly showing they loved us by being at all those rehearsals and concerts. When Paul played in the Detroit Youth Symphony, my parents (and I!) were in audience...every Saturday for two years at Ford Auditorium. And years later, Mom came with me, every Saturday from 9 - 3, to Oakland University when I was 16 or 17 as I rehearsed with a group called The Academy of Popular Vocal Arts. She never learned to drive and she said it was that I needed her in the car as I made the then, long trip, out to Oakland - the real reason is she loved to see what all we were doing.

When I played Eliza Dolittle in My Fair Lady, my senior year of high school, my parents were in the audience for every show. My father, being a self employed musician, lost a week of work but that was never an issue.

There are so many memories swirling in my head. The woman that passed away last month was still vital, still engaging and engaged and witty. Her last crossword puzzle, left unfinished by her chair, was done in ink.

I admit I lost sight of the woman that she was, in the three years since my dad's been gone. Cancer was the constant shadow and weekly trips to "Our Lady of Hope Cancer Center" made Mondays for us. In going through her things and starting the process of dismantling their home - since 1955 - I am beginning to remember the woman that I grew up with. The "Mom" I was always proud to introduce friends too - even in those difficult teen years. My folks were always able to converse with anyone and make everyone feel at home.

I miss you, Mom and Dad. Christmas Day we will raise a glass of champagne to you both and know that our stars in heaven are tripping the light fantastic, together again.

In all the craziness....

I have not had the time to really brag on my daughter, Mallie. With Mum passing away the same week as our performances of Music Man I have not made mention of her wonderful performance as "Amaryllis". She was so lovely, It was hard to watch her on stage knowing that her Grandma would not see her in this role. Mum passed after our last show that week.

Mallie, you rocked, my love.

More photos - see next entry for text

My Mum and Dad throughout the years. That's them on their wedding day...Oct. 25, 1945.

Things to remember

I finally have a moment to sit down and write - catching up on all that has been happening here since my mother passed away.

Mallie is home sick today so I am forced to be home and do the writing I’ve been waiting to do. This all took place the week before Thanksgiving.

Let’s see…where to start. Okay, so we were in show week. This was the Fall production of the Farmington Youth Theatre. I was going back and forth from hospital during the day to the shows at night and back for some time with Mum in the evening. It was amazing that she was as alert as she was. Although it was difficult to understand what she was trying to communicate – she could only “mouth” words – I worked hard to understand her – it was hard on both of us.

I was able to spend some wonderful quiet time with her, knowing we were at the end of the road. I was able to thank her for all she had done for me and she was able to thank me for all I had helped her with, these past 3 years. Those were moments I will treasure the rest of my life.

As that week progressed, and she remained on the ventilator, it became clear that I needed to make a decision. I started asking a lot of questions to as many nurses and doctors as I could. They all seemed to agree that Mum would not last long without the added breathing help. I began to call people to ask them to gather with me on that Sunday evening.

At first, Paul (my brother in NC) was reluctant to come, preferring to come only for the services. I reminded him that maybe she needed to see his face before she left this world. That helped him make up his mind and both he and Jenny started driving up Sunday morning.

In the meantime, Mallie and I – this was Mallie’s first “big” part in one of our shows – were performing in “Music Man” – she was Amaryllis and I was stage managing – Stephen was preparing for a concert on Sunday afternoon at the Grand Ledge Opera House (near Lansing) and the Warners were on their way to be with us. It was a really crazy time but our community of friends really held us together through it all.

Sunday morning came and it was an unusually foggy day. It made me hum… “A Foggy Day in London town” and I realized that this could be that last day my mother would be with us. I took time to watch the sunset, between shows, that day. Again, to savor how later that night my life would be changed forever. I realize this sounds dramatic but my mother always took the time to notice such things.

Sunday evening, Mallie and I left right after the last curtain call and drove to the hospital; Paul and Jenny had arrived about an hour earlier. Della, Mom’s close friend, was there as well as my friends, Lisa and Kori. The Warners were there too so we had a nice little crowd in the Family Waiting Room. Mum, all this time, had been in an area of the hospital that we had never been in before. The Special Care Unit is a quiet area reserved for special needs patients – lots of vent folks. It is a quieter atmosphere with no hustle bustle, no clanging of food trays, no loud talking…very restful. A unique experience in a hospital! We had brought a CD player and cds earlier in the week.

I walked into Mum’s room and the “Wizard of Oz” was playing on her TV. I hadn’t even realized she had one in her room. We asked her if it was okay to turn it off and put on some music. We chose a lovely cd of classical flute music performed by Sir James Galway and his wife. The nurse, Rob, told me that he was surprised that I had made this decision as, he thought, Mum would survive the night and maybe into the next day without the ventilator. I was shocked and really scared that I had made a horribly bad decision. He had me speak, by phone, to the attending doctor – a doctor who had treated her in previous years – a respiratory specialist. He too seemed a little reluctant for me to act. WOW! What was this about? I now realize that no doctor likes to admit defeat in the face of Death. He told me what I already knew – that if Mom survived that she would be in an even weaker state and that she would require much more homecare. Stunned, I walked back into her room. Paul was there.

I told her – by the way I never called it a “Ventilator”. I referred to it as the “Puffer” because I didn’t want to alarm her. I told her that she might be able to breath a bit on her own and even speak to us. At that, she closed her eyes and turned her head a little. I noticed and told Paul that I thought, “She has made a decision.”

Everyone came in to kiss her and tell they loved her. Mallie even came in and gave her a hug. They had untied her hands and taken out a couple of lines so she wasn’t as scary looking. At that point, I acted as translator for Mom as I knew what she wanted to tell Mal. Mallie went back to the waiting room and Mom started to mouth the word.."when?” I told the nurse we were ready and we left to let them remove everything – feeding tube, vent, IV lines, everything. After about 10 minutes, Rob came back in and told us that she was ready. Paul and I went to her room alone.

Now, to jump back a bit, a few weeks earlier, I had been at Mum’s house. On the TV news there was a story on some famous person who had died “surrounded by his family and friends”. Mom had commented, ”Oh that’s gross!” I laughed and said that I thought it sounded nice.

Back to Sunday night - Paul and I settled on either side of her and each took a hand to hold. They had given her a shot of morphine and had put an oxygen mask in her face so she would not panic. Her eyes opened very wide, bulging almost, as she took very long, deep breaths. It was very difficult for her but she was not struggling, as we feared. She raised her eyes and looked at the ceiling. Although we continued to talk to her and stroke her forehead she never looked at us again but remained staring up. It was like she only needed our presence with her but that she was already on a journey. Rob came in to ask if we wanted some chairs set up. Remembering that conversation, we both said no and turned our attentions back to her. Within 35 – 40 minutes she took her last breath and died at 9:56pm, 11/22/09.

Rob later said that he was “disappointed” that she had not survived the night. I told him that he did not know our mother and her very strong will! She was at the end and it was an end she could live with – pardon the pun. She had her children there to send her on her way and I can only imagine the arms of my father closing around her as he whisked her off to some wonderful place to sit and talk and catch up on the long years spent apart. I’m crying as I write this but it was truly a blessing to be there and it something I will also remember till I meet up with her again, on the other side.

Everyone – except Mallie – drifted in to kiss her goodbye and I stayed on, with my two friends, to hold her hands and stroke her cheek for another 2 hours before I felt strong enough to leave her. Those two women were a Godsend to me that night.

The next day, Paul, Jenny and I went to Casterline’s in Northville to complete the process I had started earlier that week. As before when Dad died, they were so good to us and we were able to make all the arrangements before 1pm that day. I had followed Mum’s instructions on what to bring and she was laid out in a nice dress – pinned in as it was a size 18 and she was barely a size 4 – her Celtic cross I had given her long ago, amethyst earrings that were her mother’s and, at the last minute, the dragonfly pin my mother–in-law had given her. The dragonfly had become a symbol of my Dad to Mom. After he passed, she often saw a dragonfly light near her and she drew comfort from the idea that that was his spirit reaching out to her.

Tuesday afternoon, we met up at the funeral home for the visitation. We brought lots of “show and tell” about my mother and Steve and I had stayed up quite late the night before putting together two felt boards of pictures of her. One was a black and white board going back in her past and the other was all color shots of more recent times – mostly before Dad had died. Both Paul and I took comfort from the fact that ""Mom" didn't look like our Mum anymore and that what we were looking at was really only her shell. It was a really lovely time and lots of people came to see us, which was a blessing.

The next day was Wednesday and it was a little rainy. It cleared up by the afternoon and we made our way to Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Church. The cremains of both my parents will be together in the Columbarium, located in the Zaun Chapel. We had the memorial service there and had about 40 people attending. Stephen played a piece my mother loved on the piano. My friend, Phil, talked a little about her – saying that, at Christmas when he attended her parties, she was likea “Mrs. Claus” to him. He then read a lovely poem by Charles Dickens called “Things That Never Die”. We had sung it as a choir anthem last year and knowing how my mother loved Dickens it was a perfect fit.

Things That Never Die

The pure, the bright, the beautiful
that stirred our hearts in youth,
The impulses to wordless prayer,
The streams of love and truth,
The longing after something lost,
The spirit's longing cry,
The striving after better hopes?
These things can never die.

The timid hand stretched forth to aid
A brother in his need;
A kindly word in grief's dark hour
That proves a friend indeed;
The plea for mercy softly breathed,
When justice threatens high,
The sorrow of a contrite heart?
These things shall never die.

Let nothing pass, for every hand
Must find some work to do,
Lose not a chance to waken love?
Be firm and just and true.
So shall a light that cannot fade
Beam on thee from on high,
And angel voices say to thee?
"These things shall never die."
~ Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

Later, my friend, Lisa, read this.. “These are hymn lyrics written in 1918 by Sir Cecil Spring-Rice an English diplomat who served as British Ambassador to the United States . The hymn tune was written by Gustav Holst and comes from The Planets suite, the Jupiter movement. Famous as Princess Diana's favorite hymn, it was sung at her wedding and funeral. It had long been a staple of British school assemblies. In recent conversations, June often talked about her life in England and, although she became an American citizen, she remained an Englishman at heart.”

I VOW to thee, my country

I VOW to thee, my country, all earthly things above,
entire and whole and perfect, the service of my love:
the love that asks no question, the love that stands the test,
that lays upon the altar the dearest and the best;
the love that never falters, the love that pays the price,
the love that makes undaunted the final sacrifice.

And there’s another country, I’ve heard of long ago,
most dear to them that love her, most great to them that know;
we may not count her armies, we may not see her King;
her fortress is a faithful heart, her pride is suffering;
and soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase,
and her ways are ways of gentleness and all her paths are peace.

My friend, Michele, put together a very elegant “tea” for the reception afterwards in the Guild Room. A good friend came up to speak to me and I noticed that she had on a lovely dragonfly pin! She noticed my surprise and I told her the significance of the symbol. The day before had been Della’s birthday so, in the car on the way to the funeral, I gave her a present from my mother – the Celtic cross and the dragonfly pin we had taken off my mother’s body as she had requested all jewelry be taken off at the end. I think it was what my mother would have wanted me to do. I guess Jeanne ended up having some words with Della at the reception because, later, she wordlessly came over to me, took the pin off her clothing and pined it to my jacket. The next day I noticed that it was set with marquisette – one of my mother’s favorites.

I believe that was my mother’s spirit reaching to comfort me.

Before all the guests had left, Paul and I went into the sanctuary. We had one last honor for my mother. Stephen played the famous Widor “Toccata” from his Symphony #5, one of Mom’s favorites, on the massive 1927 E.M. Skinner organ. He played it for me and Paul and Mom. Several friends who were still there joined us. It was a fitting ending to a wonderful tribute.

We then gathered back at my house where we ate and drank champagne in my mother’s honor! We also had samples of my mother's favorite liquor, Sabra.

The story does not end there as Paul received bad news only a few days later. Paul and Jenny had started the drive back to NC right after the reception. They finished the long car ride on Thanksgiving so as to be home with Gracie and Nikki. On the following Monday, they received word that Jenny’s brother Chip, who had not been feeling well for several days, had driven himself to hospital. He died there. He was 48. So tomorrow, Saturday the 5th, the four of them will be in Hanover, MA to attend his funeral. What a blow.

I can only hope that Mom was there to help him “over”.

Now, we have about 6 months to get Mum's house ready to give up. Although it will be a hard process the one bright light in all of this are all the journals I am finding. Mum wrote journals her entire life. I am thinking of compiling them into a blog for others to read and enjoy, at some later date. She had also spent the last three years writing about her life in England and the War and it is something it read her thoughts and “hear” her voice again.

Here is her obituary as it read in the local paper..

June P. L. Randall, age 84, a longtime resident of Livonia, passed away on November 22, 2009. She was born June 12, 1925 in Kennington, London, England to Gilbert and Lillian (Arnold) Parma. As a teenager June served as a Civil Defense Telephonist during the London blitz. She became a “GI” bride on October 23, 1945 when she married Leonard Randall a member of the US Army. They were happily married for 60 years until his death in 2006. She worked at the Detroit Public Library; June helped inaugurate an audio-visual department and pioneered record cataloging rules. June worked to establish library service in Livonia; she formed the first Friends of the Library group and served on the Library Commission for 10 years. She was very active in the PTA from local to state level; she received the Michigan Life and National Life Awards. June also received the key to the city of Livonia for all of her help and hard work. She was an avid reader, loved music, and had a passion for cooking.
She is survived by her children Paul (Jennifer) Randall and Celia “Rose” (Stephen Warner) Randall-Warner; and her grandchildren Grace, Nichole, and Mallory. She was preceded in death by her parents and her husband.

A memorial service was held last Wednesday at Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Church in Detroit. Rev. Peter C. Smith officiated the service. Contributions would be appreciated to the Leelanau Conservancy, PO Box 1007, Leland, MI 49654 or CARE, PO Box 1871, Merrifield, VA 22116. Arrangements by Casterline Funeral Home, Inc.

The Friday Girls are down One

As many of you know, my Mum passed away on 11/22/09. I plan to sit and write alot about the last week of her life and more.

I am also starting a compilation of my mother's writings. I'm thinking of starting a blog of her writings. Many entries deal with life in WWII London, coming to the USA and life in the 50-90's here in Michigan. She is a really good writer and I think you all may enjoy her stuff.

It will also, as a friend has pointed out, help me work through my own grieving.

Stay tuned and thanks for all the support.

Cool new books..

Heard an interview on NPR with an author called Julie Holland. The book is "Mornings at Bellevue" and it
s a memoir of her 9 years working the graveyard shift at New York City’s Bellevue Hospital. Sounds like an amazing book!

The other one I want to read is the new Anne Rice book, "Angel Time". She said, in a interview recently, that she is done with always making the Devil the interesting one! Her other book.."Called Out of Darkness: A Spiritual Confession", was also a fascinating read. Autobiographical and amazing.

Just finished a great book - "Ines of My Soul": A Novel by Isabel Allende. Really great although a sad reminder of what the "white" Europeans did to the Indian populations in South and North America.

A cute, fast read was "The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. Very sweet, slightly teary book that I ripped through and was sad to see end.

Countdown to the weekend!

Halloween on a Saturday? I don't know about this... I remember, as a child, squirming through class, anticipating trick or treating later that evening. Now I realize that I must have had several Halloweens, in my lifetime, fall on a weekend....but poof! The memory escapes me!

Deer Interrupts Lunch || WXYZ.com | WXYZ-TV / Detroit | Detroit News, Weather, Sports and More

Deer Interrupts Lunch || WXYZ.com | WXYZ-TV / Detroit | Detroit News, Weather, Sports and More

Posted using ShareThis

Love the Fall

It's a rainy day...and it's perfect! Going up to sing at a friend's wedding next weekend and I am sooo looking forward to seeing some great color.

And the trees should be beautiful too!

Learning from the Past and steeling for the Future.

I just spend a half hour reading over logs I have kept since my divorce from my daughter's father. Because of his bizarre behavior, I've kept a rundown of incidents for the Friend of the Court.

I will reprint a few choice items here so that I may have a page to refer to the minute I feel sorry for this man. This is someone who is so lost and so sick that he really needs to stay away from children, period. The funny thing is...he was a teacher in a public school system for years!

A word on the content.. These entries run from 2003 to the present. My daughter is now 10 years old. Hester was Glenn's live-in girlfriend, for a time. She lasted two years. Mallie still misses her. Parker is Mallie's half brother. Miss Teresa ran a wonderful in-home daycare in our neighborhood. With her daughter, Iesah, these woman were powerful supporters of my girl and helped me so much as I was working in Rochester Hills & Shelby Township during those first years as a single mom.

These entries jump all over and it really doesn't matter what order you read them. It's Chaos, plain and simple, and I hope you can begin to understand how hard life has been dealing with this man. I have no more sympathy or empathy for this man. There is no Christian love in my heart for someone who throws away the love of a child - flesh and blood, at that. This is also to remind folks, who are quick to judge, that divorced people with kids must work within the confines of court mandated child visitation. Friend of the Court is overworked and incapable of helping in cases such as mine. I was told that I must follow the visitation set down but that, if anything happened to my daughter while she was in her father's care, I was responsible, being the custodial parent. This is where the Voice of Reason must be obeyed and steps in when things are way tooooo dicey.

And please take note... Crazymakers are sick people and there is NOTHING that can make them "right". Run from these people. Divorce these people. Limit, if possible, your child's involvement with these people. And, most importantly, don't beat yourself up for trying to hang in there. Sometimes you have to cut bait and paddle away. There is no "sense" in what happens with these tortured, sick people and they want to take you down with them. Period.
++++++++++

Wednesday, June 25th. Mallie had spent the night with her father. Glenn called to say that they were still an hour away and that they had been to “Parker’s pool”. She was dropped off around 11pm. The next day I rec’d a call from my ex-brother-in-law and he asked if Glenn had returned from Bayfield, ONT. I realized that the “pool” Glenn had mentioned was at the cabin that Parker and his family rent every summer in Canada. After speaking to Parker’s mother I found out she had asked if Glenn had a copy of Mallie’s birth certificate for the purpose of crossing the international border. Glenn replied that he did not and that he would have had to let me know he was taking her out of country and so had decided against asking for it. (This was a couple of years before laws were changed about traveling to Canada.)

*August 19th, Tuesday. Glenn was to pickup Mallie from daycare. I found no one at his house. I came home and got a message from my friend, Lisa. Her children are in the same day care and our daycare provider had called Lisa to ask that she pick up Mallie – at approx. 6:35. The day care had been closed a half hour, at that point. Glenn could not be reached.


October 21, Tuesday. I called to make a doctor’s appointment for Mallie. The office informed me that we were in collection for non-payment of debt. No appointment time could be given until the matter was solved. I was able to establish that the bill had been sent to Glenn’s house sometime in April 2003 and a follow-up certified letter sent on September 9, 2003. No response from Glenn on this. I prevailed upon Glenn to give us the balance and we were able to see the doctor the next morning. Mallie was in great discomfort by then – she was diagnosed with a bladder infection. Later that day, (10/21) Glenn was pulled over for a minor traffic stop and found to be driving on a suspended license. He was handcuffed and the car impounded.

*December 23, Tuesday. Glenn had asked to have Mallie overnight. Parker was to have been picked up and the two children would spend the night and Christmas Eve day together. Glenn never showed up to pickup Mallie from daycare nor did he call Parker’s mother to explain.

January 26, 2004, Monday. I received a call at work, from my mother, letting me know that Mallie had been left at daycare – again. (This happened 22 more times that year...) No sign of Glenn and no return phone call. I was forced to leave work early and drive home to get her.

Week of March 27 – Mallie was sick all week and did not go to school. Glenn did not see her claiming he was unavailable and I had to take her with me, all week, to the hospital as my father was admitted with a broken hip. (My father did not recover from his accident and died on April 5th.)

Week of July 24 - Monday Mallie called and Glenn asked her to come to the U.P. (where his family lives) on Wednesday. Departure pushed back till Thursday. Glenn shows up an hour and a half late. Later, gets pulled over and all in the car have to be driven to the police station. Car is impounded. Sunday I pick Mallie up at the Mac. Bridge and Mallie tells me the story of the pull over. This explains why Glenn’s brother has driven her down to meet me.

(Finally, I went with a week's summation as there was so much to cover!)

Week of October 2 – Tuesday I pick up Mallie at Glenn’s. He is sleeping so soundly that he does not wake even as we stand next to his bed and call him. I leave without speaking to him. Both TVs are on and loud.

November 26, Wednesday. Glenn had asked that Mallie spend the night. The agreement was that he would pick her up from daycare and take her for the night. He even mentioned taking Mal and Parker to the Thanksgiving Day Parade downtown. When I returned home that evening there were phone messages from Miss Teresa and my mother. Hester picked Mallie up and drove her to my parents. Glenn never showed nor did he call to explain.

April 8, Thursday. Miss Teresa told me that Glenn had not paid her for the previous week. Without payment she would not be able to take Mallie. I called and left messages with Glenn as did Teresa.

April 9, Friday. Good Friday and a vacation day for Glenn. Still no call from Glenn.

April 10, Saturday. I called several times (from Thursday on) to ask if Glenn wanted to see Mallie for the holiday and as we were leaving town for a few days, a chance for a visit. He called very late that evening to ask to see her before church the next morning. We had to leave at 7:45 a.m. so no go. After so much laxness on his part I did not feel the need to accommodate him. I also told him that he needed to pay Miss Teresa. I don’t know the status of that at present.

April 12, Monday. Mallie and I left for 4 days vacation up north. During that time away Mallie dropped the bombshell that she had observed her father snorting cocaine. At the dinner table she said…”it’s funny when Daddy takes that circle thing and takes the lines of white powder and sniffs it up his nose”. (Mallie was then 4 years old.)

April 15, Thursday. I called Glenn when we returned home and Mallie spoke to him. Mallie has started to see a child therapist.

February 23, Monday. There was no communication from Glenn over the weekend. He did not respond to my phone messages. I spoke to his other ex-wife and she also had not heard from Glenn. We are both apprehensive about the children spending solo time with him without their sibling.

February 24, Tuesday. I arrived at Glenn’s house to pick up Mallie.. At first, he made me wait outside in the cold. She finally opened the door. He was extremely agitated and upset. He got into my face and started to call me a “fucking controlling bitch”. This was in front of Mallie. I kept sending her away to get her things as he did not seem to notice she was there. He bumped his chest into mine and was very aggressive. I kept my voice low and did not match his intensity because I was really afraid that he would really go off in front of Mallie. He was still calling me names as we walked out the front door.

February 25, Wednesday. Glenn and I attended court. It was set up that Glenn would take Mallie Tuesday and Wednesday nights (I am to pick her up at his house) and every other Friday and Saturday – Friday 6pm till Sunday at 6pm when he is supposed to pick up and drop off from my house. Glenn preferred less parenting time. He would not take her that weekend because it was inconvenient. The court ordered that the weekend schedule would go into effect March 5th.
+++++++++++++

This has been a wild ride for years, as you can see. Currently, Mallie has not seen her dad since June 21st of this year. She actually called him a couple of days ago and they had a 10 minute conversation. He never suggested the two of them getting together. He lives about a 5 minute drive from us. I allow her to call him whenever she wishes. This was the longest she has gone without speaking to him since the divorce.

I can't say why I am putting all this down now. I guess to remember that some people are incapable of change. I have learned hard lessons and will never again question the Voice Of Wisdom in my head. I am very proud of the person my daughter is today. She is smart, loving, practical and kind. Thankfully, her father has melted away, for the time being, and my girl has grown to understand that her father has many issues and problems to combat. She does not blame him but his "mind which is not right",-her words. She is an outgoing, beautiful person and I am so very proud of her.

For those of you who have come across this blog randomly and recognize your struggles here in my words, take heart. Hang in there and talk to your kids. They need to know what's happening so that they can figure out their reaction to it. My daughter knows that, deep down, her father loves her. As they say in step groups, she knows to hate the disease and love the addict.

Thanks for listening.

DISNEY IDEA!

I just had the most amazing dream! It's just 6am and it seems as if I cannot sleep late anymore.... Must be a midlife deal...and it sucks! But read on, McDuff!

So in my dream my husband and I take our daughter to see a Broadway musical and we are with other friends too... We arrive and have pretty decent seats but we are not all sitting together. This is the last time we see our friends...their seats are elsewhere. Now as we turn to look at where we are at we see that the three seats are separated - two together and the single is down the aisle. Hmm, what to do? We ask someone official if there is anything they can do to help.

"Come with me", says a pleasant young man and he leads us down a darkened corridor and down some stairs - "big theatre!" I think! Are we heading to seats on the main floor? Wow, that would be cool! After negotiating some steps we come to what appears to be a big black SUV! I'm the last one to emerge from the dark. My daughter and husband are already seated inside. ????? The car will take us to a better location..(Did I mention it's a big theatre?)

We emerge and walk down some other corridor and are lead into what looks like the backstage area. The only thing that's confusing is the massive board that two men are sitting in front of, obviously waiting to cue the show. We are in the "booth" and the show is moments away! I'm afraid our pleasant young man will lead us right onto the stage! We continue, past the board and out ...outside that is! Now we are in the orchestra pit (Florida? There are palm trees here and there. This looks like Disneyland!) and this young man is leading my daughter to some percussion instruments. We see that other kids are there too and I realize that our friends have planned this to be an amazing adventure. My daughter is lead, past the cellos (significant if you know my daughter!) and to some interesting drums and such... Is it Lion King? Beauty and the Beast? She plays along with the overture and I do the typical Mum thing...I cry. I am so happy to see her beaming!

After that is over we continue to our "real" seats. It's a little lounge and our seats don't face the stage but...get this...a theatre organ! My husband can't resist. (...for those of you who know my hubby....;) He plays another overture piece and somewhere, in the distance, is his friend playing a cool piece on sax.. (This obviously comes from the fact that my husband - in real life - is recording these pieces with his friend this week...and that they will work them into an overture at the Michigan Theatre.

Okay... I am thinking maybe the Disney folks will think this is cool and hire my husband to play on a regular basis! I look around at where we are sitting. I notice there are some tv screens and it's clear we have no straight shot, viewing wise, of the stage.

That's when another pleasant faced dude comes over, calling my daughter's name...kinda like a page. Again, her face lights up. More surprises from my friend! We are invited to come forward and stand at the edge of the balcony to watch the stage below...

And then...I woke up. Ahhh, the mystery of dreams... Kinda like little tv shows that can run all season or have their plug pulled after the pilot episode! Not even, right?

Gee, I wonder what the production was going to be?

Something Lighter - Part 1

To add to what I have posted below....here is my other "loved one"...my husband. I am lucky to live with him and my daughter and they are both extraordinary...

Something lighter

After last night's post... I just wanted to refocus on my loved ones. Here are some shots of my lovely daughter who is shaping up to be my most favorite person in the world. These are shots from the last 5 years....

Points to Ponder

Today I sang at a funeral of a young man. He was 25 years old. Now, I must say I did not know this gentleman and it is not my intention to speak ill of those who have passed so please forgive me if I offend. It is not my intention.

This man had spent some time in his life shooting himself in the foot, as it were. Addiction problems and bad choices seems to rain over his years. What he had going for him was a family that stayed by his side and some kind of inner truth that told him that this was not the way to live. I understand the life of one who loves an addict. It took many meetings with a NAR-ANON family support group to understand how to cope with the anger and resentment that these people bring to our lives. Those people helped me make the decision to back away from this person. He still lives in darkness. God help him.

What I heard today were many of this man's family members speaking only of the love and support they got from him. Fellow addicts spoke of him with praise and admiration. He died as the result of a tragic accident. To his eternal credit, he came to the Pearly Gates Clean and Sober. That seemed incredibly important to him. And to his family.

So why did the plug get pulled on his life? This is one of those.."Why, God?" moments. The man learned some tough lessons and seemed ready to give back to his community, to make something of the rest of his life. And the rest of his life never came.

I came across a card from a friend of mine, now deceased as well. My friend, Jonathan, died of liver cancer just after his 40th birthday. I spoke to him a week or so before he died...and he was very sad. "Why now?" he kept saying. He had reconciled with his wife and they were living together raising their son. Life was on the upswing..and then.. Cancer. He was gone only months after his diagnosis.

What is that about, God?

Or the many people I know who have been taken way before their work here was done. If they could have stayed just another decade, what could they have achieved? What could they have accomplished? What lives would they have touched?

It's things like this that pass through my mind when I'm driving or sitting quietly or missing someone...time to think and remember.

Life is a mystery, there is no doubt. To all the saints, who from their labors rest....look down on us and love us. We keep you alive in our hearts and we can only hope you look in from time to time.

Thanks for the memories.

White Water Rafting - read below!

Read below for the story to these photos!

Koritsia - a girls' choir from Sweden

Check out these ladies.....fun!

Montana.....sigh.

I just finished watching "A River Runs Through It" and it made me realize something... I am in love with Montana! Yup, it's true. Before I recount my adventures there here are a couple of quotes from the movie.....

Norman Maclean: Dear Jesse, as the moon lingers a moment over the Bitterroots, before its descent into the invisible, my mind is filled with song. I find I am humming softly; not to the music, but something else; some place else; a place remembered; a field of grass where no one seemed to have been; except a deer; and the memory is strengthened by the feeling of you, dancing in my awkward arms.

And......
"My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night. But ah my foes, and oh my friends - it gives a lovely light."

Both are lovely. I happen to know that the second quote is actually from a poem by the amazing author Edna St. Vincent Millay. I would highly recommend this book to read more about the woman. But I digress.

Montana....sigh. Where to start. First off, I will start with the connection between our trip to the 2009 International Choral Festival and Norman Maclean. Our choir - The Jefferson Avenue Presbyterian Chancel Choir was hosted (friended) by the First Presbyterian Church of Missoula, Montana.

This church was once pastored by Reverend Maclean who was the father of the man who wrote the story which later became the wonderful movie directed and narrated by Robert Redford. In fact, the church is currently raising funds for a statue to the man himself!

Anyway, our trip started with a flight to Salt Lake City (fabulous airport shops!!!) and then another flight to Spokane. (For future reference, it's a bit cheaper to come in there instead of arriving at the Missoula airport.) The next day we drove the three hours through Washington, Idaho and finally into Montana and the charming town of Missoula. What a brilliant start to an amazing week! We met at First Pres. , rehearsed and headed to our first gig of the festival...the Southgate Mall!

Okay...you may be saying...a Mall? Yup, just what we thought too but it was a venue on the Festival circuit and there was probably about 300 folks there! It was a lovely, relaxing start to a busy week.

We met our "friends" Mike and Mary Fussell who took us to their home and our lovely room. What a great couple! For me, Montana will always have a Texas twang to it because of the Fussells. We went from there to their home, changed and went off to a welcome picnic at Bonner Park. All the choirs were there and, if you click on the Jefferson Ave. Choir link you will be able to read about all the choirs there....

We were not able to stay for the concert but went off to rehearse. I think our choir director was not sure how we would stand up to the other choirs so we woodshedded some more to be in tip top condition. Remember, we have only met once a week this year with two day long rehearsals and the music we were planning on performing was intense and decidedly un-church like.

Later, we headed back and made our first pilgrimage to the Big Dipper. All I can say about this place is WOW!!!! Check out all the amazing flavors offered. This began a nightly ritual that was a great chance to meet and greet fellow singers, concert goers who had become followers of the choir and the local yokels. We also were able to meet some college friends of my hubby who were passing through Montana to their home in Washington. A great couple, we enjoyed ice cream and a long stroll through town - topped off with a great view from Pattee Canyon over the city!

On to Thursday and another concert. This one was given at the UM Recital Hall on the campus of University of Montana.

We ROCKED it. Pretty much. Later, I met up with an older brother of a classmate of mine from Livonia days!!! A graduate of Stevenson in '68 Patrick Williams is on staff at the U and a follower of Lowell Everson. He was my first real musical mentor and his wife was my first voice teacher. Mind blowing, eh?

We broke for lunch at a charming place called Food for Thought. Yum! After a brisk walk around campus we were back for another rehearsal - this time at the UM University Theatre. Nice space and great musicians. Our director had hired an acoustic guitarist and a wonderful string quartet for the evening performance of "South Dakota Shadows" - our offering by Jackson Berkey. That concert was amazing!

I have forgotten to mention the other choirs on our shows as well. The first one in the mall featured us and the choir from Taiwan. The second (recital hall) featured the choirs from Sweden (WOW. Look at my Facebook page for YouTube on them) and the children's choir from the Czech Republic. The evening performance at the theatre included the choirs from South Korea and Germany. Both were AWESOME although the S. Koreans had a problem with time! They went WAY over their allotted concert time but they were worth it. The concert went long but folks went away satisfied! Patrick came back to that performace with a album of my high school choir and pointed out his sister's name and I was finally able to understand how kismet our meeting had been, earlier. His young sister had been my best mate in elementary school!!! We were both om the album he showed me - and one I own as well.

Another visit to the Big Dipper ended a wonderfully hectic day.

Friday morning we had free so a number of us became audience members and listened to the Swedish and UC Berkeley Alumni choirs. WOW, again. Later in the day, Mike took us around town and down to the beautiful carousel in the middle of town. Take a moment and read up on it..I'll wait.

Cool, eh???? BTW, it was not cool that day in Montana with a temp. of near 100 degrees. But, it is true, the dry heat is MUCH easier to deal with and I was not as uncomfortable as I would have thought. It was very nice, in fact!

Later, we met up at St. Anthony's Catholic Church - another venue - and performed a very well received concert - one of our best including a performance of Berkey's piece "Arma Lucis".

Of course, I am not mentioning the wonderfully late evenings spent drinking Moose Drool and Trout Slayer beer in the Fussell kitchen, petting Maggie the dog and talking about the superiority of Mac laptops!

Saturday was a red letter day! The Fussells organized a white water rafting trip on the Clark Fork River and through the Alberton Gorge. Class 3 rapids and an amazing staff made for a FAB day! We actually took the last half of the river out of the boats,floating down the river.....sigh. Heaven, sheer heaven.

Too soon we had to dry off and drive back for the big outdoor finale concert of the Festival. The "Parade of Nations" started off with the Celtic Dragon Pipe Band and we were ushered into UM Washington -Grizzly Stadium - it was so like the Olympics!! The crowd of about 3000 cheered from the stands as we marched in with our flag and sign reading MICHIGAN USA. There, each choir sang two numbers. Later, there was a great adult reception at the Commons, University Center with more great beer and food and a lovely band. (The kid choirs were hosted by other families and had their own bash.) All the singers danced, ate and talked to each other, exchanging cards and took photos of each other's antics. Another amazing day!

Sunday we headed out early to First Presbyterian to sing their 9:30 Summer service. It was lovely and so many were there that I think some were concert goers who had followed us to hear the group one more time. In the afternoon, Mary and I went to Cottonwood Traders to find souvenirs for the folks back home. Great place!

Mary and I rejoined the gang at the Fort Missoula Historical Museum for a farewell picnic. Great catered food, more great beer and more great friends! We came back and got ready for our last rehearsal/performance of the week. Our last stop was the contemplative mass at St. Francis X. Catholic Church.

While it was hot inside - no AC in alot of places in Missoula - it was really lovely and we, again, sang our hearts out - ending with Ubi Caritas.

Very appropriate as the words read...

Where charity and love are, God is there.

Christ's love has gathered us into one.

Let us rejoice and be pleased in Him.

Let us fear, and let us love the living God.

And may we love each other with a sincere heart.

Where charity and love are, God is there.

As we are gathered into one body,

Beware, lest we be divided in mind.

Let evil impulses stop, let controversy cease,

And may Christ our God be in our midst.

Where charity and love are, God is there.

And may we with the saints also,

See Thy face in glory, O Christ our God:

The joy that is immense and good,

Unto the ages through infinite ages. Amen.

After the concert, Steve and I joined our old friend Jeff for an amazing dinner at the Lolo Steak House where we ate "as if we were going to the Chair". Sigh. Then, of course, we made our last visit to The Big Dipper.

The next day, we had to pack up and drive back to Spokane to catch our flight to Seattle (a little out of the way but whatever!) and back home. On the way, we stopped in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho for a stroll and a light lunch. Then we continued into Washington and dropped off our cars - we all had Subaru Outbacks for the trip - and got on the plane.

Sigh...so it is. I am in love with Montana. Was it the magic of the music that has colored my feelings for this amazing place or the sheer beauty of the area...? Can't tell without another trip!

Hope you enjoyed my love letter. I enjoyed remembering it all!

I'll post pictures in my next posting.

Thanks for reading!

MUSIK!!!!!!!!!!!

We are in the lovely city of Missoula, Montana and attending the International Choral Festival ...http://www.choralfestival.org/

I was asked to blog here about our adventures and I will...later..and complete the entries with some photos too....

But for now...impressions.

The mountains everywhere you look. The out of this world music I have heard the last two days. Choirs from S. Korea, Taiwan, Germany, Sweden, the Republic of Georgia...and US, of course. And we have been good, I might add. Tonight's program went extremely well...great audience!

The ice cream flavors at the Big Dipper Cafe.. so far I have tried Mexican Chocolate, Cardamon, El Salvador Coffee....wow!

All the wonderful people that are here and have been so wonderful to us. Sigh.

I like Missoula Montana.

Tomorrow - white water rafting on the Alberton Gorge on the Clark Fork River, west of Missoula. Check it out....

http://www.montanariverguides.com/

'Nite from the mountains!

Mal at the wheel!

This is us at Cedar Point celebrating Mallie's TENTH birthday. At this point, she is already into "doing something" for her birthday and the gift thing - not so much. Last year, we celebrated by taking a friend and going to the DIA.

Next year...?

What do all these people have in common?

ME!

That's what all these people have in common...they are all in relationship with ME,

My family and friends mean so very very much to me. Why then do I have days like today?

Things can go very wrong, at times, and depending how your brain is that day...you can feel so all alone, right?

Today, my car died. Just died. I had been doing alot - checking in with my mum who is just home from ten days in hospital. We've been readying the house, back and forth to the hospital, sweating over tests and such. That has been stressful. They were checking her out after a series of things.. a blood transfusion, extreme shortness of breath and looking for lung cancer. The latter turned out to be negative, thank God and the Universe for that.

I have been very worried about my mum and seeing that she is comfortable. That has been a real strain over the last two weeks. CANCER..yup it can scare you ...bad.

Bills and the original phantom - the IRS. All running through my brain at every turn.

My husband working out of town - guess I really do like him around. Sigh. I do miss him and forget how he can really ground me when I am spiralling.

And then my car.....kaput. Dead....as a doornail. Hey! What does that mean anyway??

I had a real breakdown today. Too much....everything! Time to go back to the drawing board and look at life as IT IS not as I fear it is.

My mother turns 84 next week. Her oncologist told her that he was ready to sign off for Hospice eight years ago when she was first re-diagnosed at advanced Stage 4. That would have been alot of Life missed.

Our IRS bill was dealt with and they were very cool. Actually WAY cooler than we expected. Burden lifted.

My car....no idea but I will not freak over that. And hey, it gave me the chance to spend a little time with my husband. He is my soulmate and my best friend and I am blessed.

My daughter turns ten on Thursday. What an amazing decade it has been. One full of tears. One full of fears....most never came to be. And one full of amazing love and laughter, music and fun.

I am blessed with wonderfully talented and loving friends. Laughed with three of them this weekend. Really laughed...and sang...and carried on as my grandma used to say..

I am truly a blessed soul. Sometimes I think I get bad shit thrown at me to get me off by myself to worry and moan about the what ifs. Truth is....the shit can even smell sweet if you approach it correctly!

HA! Just try to keep me down! (But not right away.....please? I need a little rest first.)

Sick....again!

CRAPOLA! It seems that, since last fall when I was laid low with bronchial asthma, every bug I get makes a beeline for my chest.

I hope to be well enough to sing on the concert series Sunday with my husband and his amazing friend, Adam, who can really play the alto sax. Adam is playing the music of Rudy Wiedoeft
and it's really fun stuff.

Check out the link for info...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rudy_Wiedoeft

For info on the concert this Sunday go to www.dtos.org

I am singing some of the music of Noel Coward. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Noel_Coward He's another amazing musician - dead since the 70s. If you read through some of my older postings you will see that we did a revue of his music a couple of years ago.

Gee, this complaining entry has turned into early 20th century music 101!

Well, dinner and then off to bed! G'night.

More Proud Mom stuff - part 1

Here is video of Mal's recital. This is the first piece she played.

More Proud Mom stuff - part 2

This is a little backward. See the other postings for more video and information on the recital.

And here are the other two pieces performed by Mal and her teacher.

Proud Mom!

This past Sunday was the 2009 Piano Recital for Mallie and 26 other students. Everyone played several pieces - some four hand stuff, some with their teacher playing accompaniment. Mal played "Orientale" (Tansman), "March of the English Guard" (Clarke) and "My Daydream" (Faber). Every year (I missed last year's recital due to performances of "..Forum") plaques and trophies are handed out. And, since 2005, there has been a "Top Ten Award". Reading from the program.."Top Ten Award for 1st, 2nd or 3rd place awards in the following areas and Honor Awards (4th - 10th place) in 2 or more: 1/ Theory, 2/ Technique, 3/Sightreading, 4/Memory, 5/ Piano Performance, 6/ Lesson attendance.

The 2009 Top Ten Award winner is.... MALLIE!!!! WHOOOO HOOO!!

Reading on I can see that a 9th grade boy has been sweeping it since it was started so I felt pretty great about my girl grabbing it on her 2nd recital. Last year's recital was Mal's first and she had only just started lessons.

I was one proud mom. Congrats, sweetheart!