Late August thoughts

It's a quiet morning and I can really feel it now. It's that long exhalation of breath that always seems to come at the end of the summer. The pace of life slows way, way down. It's a tiny bit uncomfortable too. All that time and no real schedule to follow. Staying up late, rising early, reading, writing, being. Not too much of that in my life, the other 11 months of the year. I wish for this time and yet, I'll be glad when it passes. In this society, to be under-scheduled means you are a loser. Not one is pounding on your door or calling you to say .."We need you to do this and this. You are sooooo important."

What crap, eh? But when was the last time you answered the question.."so, what have you been up to..?" with that long sigh and then .."I've been way busy." Nods all around. Yup. You are needed. You rate. You are important. To be busy is to be important, right? Oh no, you say. That's not how it is at all!

Right.

It goes hand and hand with the idea that we all want to be "happy". Wrong again. The real thing we all want is to be "cool". Busy and Cool are best friends in the eyes of our society. Sucks but I can almost hear you muttering....."right".

Back to my original thought. This timeless time of year. We are on the brink of school starting and schedules firing up. Most of us sport tans of one hue or another. We've been out in the world and away from our work. Unusual for us Michiganders...the tan part, right?

On the heels of my friend passing, I am looking more closely at this time. I know the laid back/just back from the lake person will soon hightail it in favor of super woman soon but just now....Sigh. I feel I need to be more observant now. My friend's 48th birthday is Labor Day this year. Funny. Labor Day..a day we usually don't labor a whole lot,right? Missing my mum and dad alot but with Kimmie gone it's a whole new thought process. 84 vs. 48. Makes their passing seem....sweeter? Lives well lived. Long lived. Long verses short. Too short.

The ideal I have of myself. How old am I? I was boating the other day with two cousins of my husband. These boys are in their early to middle 20's. And my daughter who is 11. Am I still 22 inside somewhere? Yes. But I am looking out of 48 year old eyes. Cool...mostly. Changes are afoot when it comes to my body. I think, in my friend's honor, I will work on my body this next season. Try to shed some pounds and some "weight" to get back to a lighter spirit. Don't feel close to 48 right now. Maybe in a couple of decades...?

The final resting place

For those of you who were not able to attend Kim's funeral - I wanted to give you a flavor so that it may set your heart at ease a bit.

It was a lovely day - cooler, sunny with a light breeze. That helped. It was a nice break from the 90+ days we'd been enduring.

We met at the church and Kim's casket was there. Folks who had not attended the viewing at the funeral home were able to see her for the last time. She was dressed in the lovely burgundy dress she wore to Casey's wedding in January. Rosary beads were wound around her fingers.

Slowly, we began to enter and sit down. It looked like Kori's entire pom team was already in attendance. I was so happy to see her so well supported.

The priest entered and I rose to sing "Arise, My Love".

Arise, my love, my lovely one come,
Winter is past and the rains are gone.
The flowers appear, it's the season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Who is it that appears like the dawn?
As fair as the moon, as bright as the sun?
Show me your face, let me hear your voice.
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Set me like a seal on your heart,
For love is unyielding as the grave.
The flash of it is a jealous fire,
No flood can quench,
For love is as strong as death.
Arise my love and come with me
Before the dawn breaks and the shadows flee.
You ravished my heart with just one glance
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Do not arose or awaken love
Until it so desires.
Arise, my love, my lovely one come,
The Winter is past and the rains are gone.
The flowers appear, it's season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
I am my Love's, my beloved is mine.
Arise and come with me.

They wheeled in her casket - a fact I was not aware of until I stood up. That was a little hard, to say the least.

The priest was gruff and very down to earth. I wasn't sure how it would be but he did a very good job of it. He obviously knew the family and that was a relief. I have sung many funerals where it was obvious that the person speaking didn't know the deceased. He was humorous and frank. The service included communion and I sang "Amazing Grace" during it. My husband played both pieces for me. The church musician was a young guy with a nice voice and he played piano and sang the service music. The priest did well to praise Kim's children and speak of their devotion to her through this last time in the hospital. Joe got up to speak and thanked everyone. Kim's old friend, Marti, (from SHS days) got up to speak and reiterated how wonderful her children had been and what a fine legacy they would be for Kim.

As the service ended and the casket was wheeled out to the hearse, my husband - a la "Big Chill" - played..."You can't always get what you want.." as a salute to our Stones-loving friend.

These photos were taken at the graveside. She is buried at Woodlawn Cemetary in Detroit. Stop in to the office for a map to her site. The stone won't be put into place for another month. Her mother's grave is kitty korner from her.

We all arrived and watched the complete burial - dirt and all. A light breeze blew and we all felt it was Kim trying to say..okay....it's okay. I'm okay.

I pray that her soul is at rest. I hope you can visit the site. It's lovely.

Missing my friend.

Today is Friday the 13th - and I'm not feeling lucky. I lost an old friend yesterday. She was due a birthday on September 6th - a day I seemed to miss every year as it was always close to Labor Day and the flurry of activity that starts the school year. Kim was quiet. She never made me feel bad that I missed the day. One year, I invited her for dinner at my house, on the day. I made sure she was unaware of the preparations made and simply asked her over to celebrate. When she arrived I had a whole table set, in the back garden, with china, music and candles. She was so touched and I was so happy to finally be able to surprise her by not only remembering but celebrating in style.

Kim didn't require alot of our friendship. She needed little coaxing to talk about her life...although that changed in the last few years. She remained fairly "open" with me. We met in Mr. Croll's English class at Stevenson High School. We were united in our distaste for this gentleman and for his obvious lack of any kind of buttocks...! We laughed alot and that made it fun, those growing years.

We travelled the rest of the school years together. It seemed as if she was always "sorry" about something. Many times I would say.."there's no need to apologize. Stop!" I knew, from the beginning, that she was different from my other friends. Darker, in spirit. I knew there had already been times in her life when she had felt worthless. Heady stuff for a teenager. She was the proverbial still water that ran deep.

After high school we lost touch for a bit. She had jumped into a marriage and was pregnant when I met up with her again at a baby shower our mutual friend threw for her. We picked up right where we had been. She was twirling with her responsibilities. Later, when I saw her in the hospital after her third child was born, I knew that her marriage was not going to hold up. She continued on, after the divorce, and she wound her life around her children. She continued to twirl - to push and prod them on to better things. Kim was a good mother back then, by most standards. I remember being impressed with her children's manners and how her first born - maybe 6 at the time - answered the phone. "James residence, Casey speaking". She insisted on it. Her southern background demanded it.

She also remained the still water. A fact we often joked about when the gal pal pack went out to dance away our troubles. We'd often joke.."Stop talking our ears off, Kim!" when, in fact she had been silent. She would wait for the right opportunity and say something that made us cry with laughter.

One time, we met for a late night bite. I can't remember if it was after something we did or if we just met up but we ate greasy yummy food. She said we had eaten "as if we were going to the chair!" I still laugh over that and pull it out on occasion, always referencing Kimber.

This last year was a hard one with Kim. She was tremendously fragile. The day of her daughter's wedding she burst into tears at breakfast. She was completely overwhelmed. Hard to say if she was dealing with her demons of shame and guilt or simply trying to wrap her mind around the obvious happiness of the day. I think she had a hard time with being happy. She was constantly stalked by Depression.

It was harder and harder for her to lay down the load she carried and laugh.

She came to see me on closing night of "Gypsy". She was so very excited about attending and told me so over and over in the month before. She thought my co-star was cute. She was always checking out folks. Always pointing out the cuties and describing what she'd do, given half a chance. Her dry humor remained with her until she slipped into a sleep that she, ultimately, would not wake up from.

She was working at St. Mary's during my mother's last week of life. She came in and paid her respects. I'm glad my mother is not here today to know that Kim passed away just short of 48th birthday. It would have hurt her.

How can I sum of a 35 year friendship? Can't. Here are just a few thoughts on our time together.. Listening to the Rolling Stones (her obsession!) and attending concerts together. Having morning coffee. Taking a walk here and there where I would prod her for info on her life and her thoughts. Sitting and talking in her kitchen or mine. How she'd listen to my stories and I'd listen to hers. Her love (and hate) relationship with food. Her amazing massage abilities. How she's have to "hole up in a closet with a flashlight" to study for all the certifications she was awarded in her life. How she walked across the stage at the Millennium Center graduation from Dorsey Business School with a little spring in her step even though she had only been out of the hospital a week. The times she and I would get away to just sit and talk about everything. She was the first friend to sit in my house, just after we closed on it and got the keys. How she commiserated when I went through a divorce. The New Year's Eves we spent together at my house with my parents when they were elderly, drinking champagne together and talking.The times she spent the night, in the basement of my childhood home and how we stayed up till dawn. Her cooking and how she always showed up with Greek salad or meatballs at the parties I threw. Her sunny send off on my wedding reception DVD - "Rose and Stephen, may you live as long as you want to and want to as long as you live!" How much she loved relating stories about her granddaughter. Her ability to tell a story - sometimes over and over! - and her delight in the telling. How proud she was of her children and their accomplishments. How I wish I had never believed her when I called her up to hang out and she said she was "fixin' to go to the store." How she will miss meeting her second granddaughter in the next few weeks. Too many regrets to mention so I won't dwell there.

She has been slowly dying this past year. She was in the hospital twice before this last time and I was always the one to be sent over to "look" at her. (I live the closest to her). I will never forget the face that greeted me on those occasions. Certainly not the face of my friend but the face of her addiction and despair. I think I finally saw the demons that stalked her all those years and it frightened me. It also made me realize that there was nothing I could do but offer love. Kimberly had a hard time accepting it. She felt unworthy, I think.

I wonder what she thought of all the people who filtered in and out of her hospital room these last couple of weeks. Or the vigil her three children kept until the moment she left them. I wonder if she is somewhere near scratching her head and saying.."Wow, they really did love me."

Yes, honey, we really did. Now we are so sad that we couldn't have told you sooner or more often - to make it stick.

The light of God surrounds you. The love of God enfolds you. The power of God protects you. The presence of God watches over you. The spirit of God lives within you. Wherever you are, God is.

Truly, my prayer is that you rest in peace, my friend. I love you and I miss you.

New Voyage

Today is the start of a new voyage. It was just that for Christopher Columbus....

According to the history books, he set sail today - a few years back - to try to find the "New World". He found something but it wasn't what he expected.

Isn't that how Life is? We set sail for adventure and we know just how it will be. We will live in a big house or travel to Venice or become a ballerina or a veterinarian... Whatever the dream we, as children, know how it will be.

As adults, we learn that it is almost never as we expected. That can be good and bad.

Right now, an old friend of mine from high school days is in ICU at a local hospital. This person is slowly dying of alcoholism. Whoa. Did not see that coming.

This person is my age! I've known this person for 30 years! I will never understand the pain that has made this horrible disease progress to the point it is today. This person did not sail off in search of this, surely.

I grew up in a family that was different by the standards of my neighborhood. I have already written reams about my parents so I won't go back over all that except to say that I grew up in love. My parents loved me and made sure that I understood that.

My friend in ICU grew up with complete dysfunction and a void of love. Maybe that was what passed for normal in that neighborhood. Not so much love and support but in a nice house. Not so much attention but with nice clothes. The italics are mine because that is not normal, in my world.

I trust that the best will come for my friend. I wish I knew the destination of that journey. I will pray for what I think is the best choice but it's not up to me.

Today, I will look at my child and see her for the wonderful person she is. I will try not to jump on the things she does "wrong" and dismiss her chatterings about nothing. It all matters. Being dismissed in life is just about the worst thing I can think of to do to a child.

Look how it affected my friend.

Thanks, Mr. Rohn, for the reminder! R.I.P., sir.

What Constitutes a Good Life? by Jim Rohn

The ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck. The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes. The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars or a bank account or a home. Here's the ultimate expression of life in my opinion, and that is living the good life. Here's what we must ask constantly: "What for me would be a good life?" And you have to keep going over and over the list. A list including areas such as spirituality, economics, health, relationships and recreation. What would constitute a good life? I've got a short list.

Number one, productivity. You won't be happy if you don't produce. The game of life is not rest. We must rest, but only long enough to gather strength to get back to productivity. What's the reason for the seasons and the seeds, the soil and the sunshine, the rain and the miracle of life? It's to see what you can do with it?to try your hand. Other people have tried their hand; here's what they did. You try your hand to see what you can do. So part of life is productivity.

Next are good friends. Friendship is probably the greatest support system in the world. Don't deny yourself the time to develop this support system. Nothing can match it. It's extraordinary in its benefit. Friends are those wonderful people who know all about you and still like you. A few years ago I lost one of my dearest friends. He died at age 53 of a heart attack. David is gone, but he was one of my very special friends. I used to say of David that if I was stuck in a foreign jail somewhere accused unduly and if they would allow me one phone call, I would call David. Why? He would come and get me. That's a friend?somebody who would come and get you. Now we've all got casual friends. And if you called them they would say, "Hey, if you get back, call me and we'll have a party." So you've got to have both, real friends and casual friends.

Next on the list of a good life is your culture. Your language, your music, the ceremonies, the traditions, the dress. All of that is so vitally important that you must keep it alive. In fact, it is the uniqueness of all of us that when blended together brings vitality, energy, power, influence, uniqueness and rightness to the world.

Next is your spirituality. It helps to form the foundation of the family that builds the nation. And make sure you study, practice and teach. Don't be careless about the spiritual part of your nature; it's what makes us who we are, different from animal, dogs, cats, birds and mice. Spirituality.

Next, here's what my parents taught me: Don't miss anything. Don't miss the game. Don't miss the performance, don't miss the movie, don't miss the show, don't miss the dance. Go to everything you possibly can. Buy a ticket to everything you possibly can. Go see everything and experience all you possibly can. This has served me so well to this day. Just before my father died at age 93, if you were to call him at 10:30 or 11:00 at night, he wouldn't be home. He was at the rodeo, he was watching the kids play softball, he was listening to the concert, he was at church; he was somewhere every night.

Live a vital life. Here's one of the reasons why. If you live well, you will earn well. If you live well, it will show in your face, it will show in the texture of your voice. There will be something unique and magical about you if you live well. It will infuse not only your personal life but also your business life. And it will give you a vitality nothing else can give.

Next are your family and the inner circle. Invest in them and they'll invest in you. Inspire them and they'll inspire you. With your inner circle take care of the details. When my father was still alive, I used to call him when I traveled. He'd have breakfast most every morning with the farmers. Little place called The Decoy Inn out in the country where we lived in Southwest Idaho. So Papa would go there and have breakfast and I'd call him just to give him a special day. Now, if I was in Israel, I'd have to get up in the middle of the night, but it only took five minutes, 10 minutes. So I'd call Papa and they'd bring him the phone. I'd say, "Papa I'm in Israel." He'd say, "Israel! Son, how are things in Israel?" He'd talk real loud so everybody could hear?my son's calling me from Israel. I'd say, "Papa, last night they gave me a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." He'd say, "Son, a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." Now everybody knows the story. It only took 5-10 minutes, but what a special day for my father, age 93.

If a father walks out of the house and he can still feel his daughter's kiss on his face all day, he's a powerful man. If a husband walks out of the house and he can still feel the imprint of his wife's arms around his body, he's invincible all day. It's the special stuff with the inner circle that makes you strong and powerful and influential. So don't miss that opportunity. Here's the greatest value. The prophet said, "There are many virtues and values, but here's the greatest: one person caring for another." There is no greater value than love. Better to live in a tent on the beach with someone you love than to live in a mansion by yourself. One person caring for another, that's one of life's greatest expressions.

So make sure in your busy day to remember the true purpose and the reasons you do what you do. May you truly live the kind of life that will bring the fruit and rewards that you desire.