Holiday preparations

I am so grateful we got our Christmas baking done on Saturday before the snow kicked in. It’s become a tradition that we get together with our friends, Lisa and her two daughters, to make cookies. We made a slew of them too! Mallie and I had already spent time, earlier in the week, making 5 dozen gingerbread cookies to add to the boxes that our pastors take to the shut-ins of our church community. The call went out to the congregation for holiday cookies to fill 32 Christmas boxes and I thought that would be a cool thing for Mallie and I to do as Mom always did so much baking at the holiday. It was a gift to those folks from the three of us, really.

My Photo Book Dec 17 2010

Click here to view this photo book larger

This is like a slice of my life and that of my friends!

Time to catch a breath

Hallo all. I have fallen out of the blogging habit...for the moment anyway. Life has slowed down a bit and it's nice not to have a major rant. Thanksgiving was great. Really great. Mallie and I got our hair cut. Simple joys.







The day before T'Day we drove up and met my friend, Michele, up in TC. As usual, we stayed out at the lake and that is always so relaxing. Turkey Day, us three ladies stayed at home and cooked side dishes and dessert while the boys stayed in town to work with Steve's folks on the turkey and stuffing. We all met up and had a lovely meal. Later another friend dropped in and we played a hilarious round of "Apples to Apples". Know it?

Black Friday we went shopping - in Suttons Bay. Wheee! Lunch at Boone's Tavern and then a brisk walk along the high street to some of the shops. Very low key and very old fashioned. Loved it!

Michele and I drove back Saturday for our high school reunion. It's been some time since I have seen some of my classmates from the mighty class of 1980. Unfortunately, the folks in charge of the evening didn't think it all through. A high ceiling banquet hall room with chintzy appetizers and a D.J. playing LOUD music and a sound system that would not allow anyone using a mic to be understood did not add to the enjoyment. Here we were, trying to talk over all the racket. And a cash bar you had to buy tickets for... And all for a grand total of $40! It would have been $30 but the website that you were supposed to go thru dropped my reservation so I had to pay the higher, after deadline, price. Grrrrrrr.

Really, it is hard to plan a successful evening for a large group of people. It ain't as easy as it looks. I appreciate their efforts but.... yawn.

I think I'm done with reunions.

Thanksgiving was quiet. I had the morning to myself as I was the first one up. I sat for a while just mulling things over. It kinda hit me that, a year ago, I was waking up to the shock of having attended my mother's funeral. Thanksgiving was a distraction and not all that soothing - it's usually my favorite holiday. Nope, I was kinda in shock. Now we've come full circle. One full year has passed. I can no longer look back and think.."this time last year my mother was..."



I had come to the end and it hit me... My parents are dead and they are not coming back.

Whoa.

Dumb, right? I mean, it's been a year for Mum and 4 years for my Dad. It just took all that time for it to sink in. Letting go, really letting go takes time and space.

Guess I was in the mood to ramble. Thanks for reading.

High School Musical!

http://www.hometownlife.com/article/20101114/NEWS06/11140439/Hills-Youth-Theatre-8216-We-re-All-in-This-Together-

That's a nice article about our newest Farmington Hills Youth Theatre/Sky's the Limit Productions show.

I am in a much different place, this year, than last. It was this week, a year ago, that my mum was in hospital and close to death. She died on closing night - 11/22/09. Not sure how it will feel on Monday - the anniversary. I guess we'll just have to see how it hits.

Today we are having another weekend estate sale at their house. Let's hope the house can be near empty this time.

It's time to start the second half of my life.

I miss you guys.

An angel on my shoulder

Well, we're off! I have left my parents' house in the capable hands of a company called "3 Nun's" to organize and ready the place for an estate sale this weekend! Wheee.

Today, I took it slow. As the first day off, officially, from worrying about the house and it's contents, I did laundry, catching up with my daughter's stuff and mine. Geez. Getting there. When I ran errands it was as if my parents' traveled with me. Everyone was super nice to me. And today - as well as yesterday - I was held up in traffic waiting for funeral lines passing in front of me. Today it was an especially long line of cars.

I went to the bank to deposit all the quarters that we got from busting the old plaster pig my aunt and uncle gave us years ago. My dad put only quarters in it. Do you know that when we cracked it open it held $50. Not $47.50 or $29.75... $50 even. The guy at the bank told me he could take them but that the quarters would need to be shipped to another location to be counted. In 2-3 days it would be credited to my account. Really? When I mentioned Coinstar the dude said..."or you can roll them. Here, I can help you"....so I stood at his window and we rolled the quarters. At flippin' Bank of America! That never happens. In the post office, a gentleman offered me his packing tape and helped me tape up my stuff. Sent some fun stuff to my friend, Ellen, that I found in my mother's den. I stopped in at "Bucks" to grab a coffee and when I got back in the car, CBC Radio played a piece and talked about how it had been written to accompany a nobleman "drinking his morning coffee.." (I kid you not) At the grocery store an older woman approached me to tell me how "beautiful" I was today. Truly! At all places that play music - stores, car radio, etc.. ALL playing hits of the past and all were my favorite songs.

Really...it was a little freaky. OKAY MOM! I get it...and you're welcome!

Nice to have a day relatively free of worry.

AND I had a yoga class this evening to make up the one I had to miss on Monday to work at my folks' house. And it's raining! Love to go to sleep hearing the rain.

Perhaps I should have bought a lottery ticket today!

And I love you both so very much. Thanks again, guys!

Like a tidal wave....

I have to describe what has happened to me today. I have just come in, from the car, and walked right upstairs to my computer to capture this feeling. Grief is fascinating. It is like the stomach flu.... Huh? you say???? It's like this. You think you are over the worst of it and then, like a tidal wave from within, it all spews out of you with such force.

I just attended an amazing yoga workshop taught by Desiree Rumbaugh and it was really wonderful. I came into this room at a local church - lovely room too - filled with like minded people. Maybe about 50? We spread our mats and Desiree started. I was there for my body and hoping it would settle my mind. I am in the final stretch of preparing for this estate sale at my parents and I have been filled with grief - spilling over into the thoughts of my old friend, Kimber, who passed away two months ago. Thinking that yoga would help quiet my mind and improve my spirit, I put down my mat and got into it.

Now, I am a novice in yoga. Many years ago I attended classes regularly. Today, I am not fit and am working toward getting back some of my vitality. The poses were hard but that was okay. There were people there much better than me in the class and that was okay too. My teacher was there to help and encourage me and she was great. Desiree worked with several people and it was amazing. I know that I have far to go.

Something started to slip, in my mind. The carillon started to play several hymns and we could hear it clearly as someone had slipped open a window for a little extra air. I started to cry. At first, I could hold it in but then we had to work with a partner and try handstands. I knew I could not speak to anyone without bursting out into tears which would certainly confuse them. My teacher did come over and work with me and I tried to be a little more together. It just got worse. As we got into Savasana I could barely hold on. The lady, on the mat next to mine, left and came back carrying a handful of tissues. That kindness almost undid me.

At the end of the class, Desiree spoke and mentioned that the funeral was probably over, next door. The carillon had been playing "Softly and tenderly...Jesus is calling.." I had been picking up on the vibe.

At the conclusion of class, the lady next to me spoke to me and offered a hug. I left and had to sit in my car for a few minutes,overwhelmed with sadness. I went full on into what Oprah refers to as the "ugly cry". The emotions overcame me and I felt the cover come off a very deep well of grief.

I know there is no way past this emotion I feel over the loss of my dear parents and my dear friend. As I say in "Lion Hunt" - a call and response game I play with my Montessori kids... "Can't go over it...can't go under it....Gotta go through it."

I am grateful that I am in emotional pain and not physical pain because it means that I can go through it and not have scarring. I know this pain. It is as deep as it was when I went through a horrendous divorce. The pain was suffocating, at times. I lived through it and, later, was able to meet and marry the most wonderful man who is an amazing parent to my daughter. I know I can get through this too. It's just very damn hard, at present.

What will meet me on the other side, I wonder?

As I walked out through the church office something caught my eye. It was a black and white copy of a baby's hand and foot with the handwritten message.."Thank you for being my hands and feet. I love you more than you can imagine. God"

I turned it over and the article printed on the back was entitled "Inspired Breathing". Here is an excerpt from this sheet.

"Do something very courageous, very bold, very exhilarating, and pass the energy along. Be infectious. Lower your voice and lean in to tell someone how awesome it is to move halfway across the country with no money, no job, no place to live. (Freaky, eh Michele??) Breathe in, breathe out, breathe into another. Tell another woman how you left a suffocating job - so she knows she can do it. Tell a young woman about the thrill of traveling around the world alone, so she knows she can try it. Be as healthy, as vibrant, as beautiful, as authentic as you possibly can be, in a way that speaks silently to to her. You can be this, too," Rachel Synder encourages us in her illuminating book of meditations, 365 Words of Well-Being for Women. "Smile at other women's dreams and their hopes, and reassure them that they'll survive whatever black hole they're currently navigating."

Today some woman around you is bound to need a little inspirational CPR, so don't stop breathing. Your own life may depend upon it.


Namaste.

Things

Lovely, aren't they? These are some of the things that will be included in the estate sale at my parents' house next weekend. The official dates are October 22,23, and 24th.

So strange that October 23rd would have been their 65th wedding anniversary. I am celebrating by selling their wedding gifts.

Ouch.

I know this is all normal...so why do I feel like a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs?

Sigh

Solace

SOLACE

Verb: Give solace to.

Noun: Comfort or consolation in a time of distress or sadness: "she sought solace in her religion"

This is a picture taken in the living room of my parents' house. I took alot of "before" pictures. Needless to say, this room does not look like this anymore. My parents loved "things" as well as what that stuff represented. Books were a way to travel, to educate, to stimulate, to look out and be a part of the world. Records were a way to feel the sensuality of life, the goodness, pureness of human emotion, the feel of silken culture on the ear. These things were important to my parents and their home reflected that.

Now, they are both gone from this world and all these things are left for me to go through and decide about. I have written here, on numerous occasions, about my fear of letting this all go. Their house - bought in 1955 and where my brother and I grew up - was the once place where my parents could be felt. Going there and looking through their things helped and I was increasingly nervous to lose access to the house.

My mother passed in November of last year, my father in April of 2006. I have had a really hard time with the idea of them being gone from my presence. I felt solace when I went to their house and was among their things. It felt as if they were on a long vacation and would be returning soon. I felt weird going through their drawers and closets, looking under their beds, removing their books and records. It was as if I was anticipating a scolding for messing things up.

I think about this project all the time. I go to the house and work for a couple days in a row and am overwhelmed. I take a couple days off and try again only to have to stop ..again. And I worry. I have some time but what about at the end? It was so hard to see those books leave the house. The records I had to turn over to my husband. I knew I could not bear to be there.

Now, almost a year after my mother's death...I am of a new mind. I have battled within for a couple of months and have come up with one key word - SOLACE. My friend came over to give me his opinion and help with this project. My friend, Robert, is a rare fellow and a great person to turn to when you need another opinion. He is smart, educated, talented and empathetic. In short, I trust him. I needed him to look around and tell me his thoughts. Basically, I feared I was just lazy, I see now. That was the reason I could not accomplish emptying this house. I was giving up way too easily. It was not that hard of a task, right?

He set me right. By looking at what was really there I was able to recognize that I no longer was getting SOLACE. Going to the house was now painful. Mom and Dad are not coming back. Are never coming back. There is no one place to stand, on this earth, where I can ever "feel" them again. I can stand in the chapel at church, in front of the columbarium that holds their ashes, and know that their remains are close but they are not there either. There is no SOLACE for me anywhere anymore.

Now, their house and its contents are a burden. The lovely things are just that. Lovely things. I have my own lovely things. I have already moved out several things that make me feel good. The chair my father always sat in, their coffee table that was always buried in Smithsonian and Bon Appetite magazines. These things bring back the familiar, if only for a moment. The other stuff.... is their stuff. Not mine. (Reminds me of a George Carlin routine. Whatever happened to his "stuff" after he died, I wonder?) Their stuff will not enhance my life or make it easier to continue on as an orphaned adult. These things form no barrier against the big bad world. My parents were that barrier. In the flesh, they were the people who stood between me and Time, aging and the worlds' indifference. They are no longer able to provide that support for me. Their things are a poor stand in.

I no longer find SOLACE in their house.

I know that my mother would be very sad to know how much her things are burdening me now. I owe her for alot she provided me in our time together but I do not owe her suffering. That is a gift she would never have welcomed from me. I do not honor my parents by worrying over what to do with their things, honoring their things, working with their things, selling their things. No amount of money would help.

I honor them by making appointments with estate sale companies. I honor them by taking up Yoga again where I am constantly reminded to "let go" and to let the "light of my heart shine forth". I honor them by performing and uplifting people by the music I can make, using a talent nurtured and encourage by my parents. I honor them by telling stories about them and maybe, someday soon, sharing my mother's stories as she journalled them all those years.

Grief is hard, hard, hard. Adding on to it is the grief I feel for my friend, Kim. Her second grand baby was born a couple of days ago. I grieve for her daughter who can never celebrate with her mother the joy of this event. Writing this makes me see that is it still my grief taking over. How I would have missed my mother so badly if she had not been there when my daughter was born. But she was there, both parents were there to hold Mal just minutes after she was born. Grief can be confusing as it spills over into your life. You keep wiping up the spill but where the hell is the big leak???

I'm working on the leak and well I know it will never truly be fixed for good. I can see, down the line, that the drips will be more manageable. This has been a big process for me. The solace that I looked for, after my mother passed, eluded me. The solace I looked for in their house was minimum and now eludes me.

I think I need to look somewhere else. Perhaps at a lovely Fall day, as I think how my parents loved this season. Maybe at a concert when I have moved people to their feet, as I know how my parents enjoyed being at every performance of my brother and I that they could attend. Certainly at a good meal as my parents loved food and the social aspect of sharing it with friends. Daily when the feelings I have toward my husband and my daughter remind me that they modelled that loving behavior for me my whole life.

Experts say the first year you lose someone is particularly hard. The anniversaries you have to celebrate without them, the seasons that pass without the normal activities you once shared, the daily need to pick up the phone to call and share with them some anecdote or to ask for advice or....solace.

I am a work in progress. Here's what I can do. I can daily seek solace in these moments and work to avoid looking for it in things or events. Some days I will do well...other days I will allow myself grace. This is my parents' gift to me. Their love has given me grace to love myself and to do otherwise would be to disrespect their memory.

I am the "thing" they loved most.

First Day

This month we (the Royal we) started back to school. Miss Mallie is shown here getting ready to go off to her first day of 6th grade. Fall....sigh. A time of new beginnings. I'm having a bit of trouble with that. I think it's a bit of depression. Never really dealt with it before I lost my dad and my mum got sicker. I'm hoping it will clear up - like Michigan weather. Wait a minute and all will change.

Has it been a minute yet?

I heard a great sermon at a service I attended recently. The day was Rosh Hashanah and I had been invited by one of my voice students. Very cool, indeed. The sermon (I guess they call it that in a synagogue) was delivered by a rabbinic student. This woman talked about Facebook and how one of her former students had found her. He remembered her for her love of the music of The Ramones. Here is one of her favorites...

"I Wanna Be Sedated"

Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go I wanna be sedated
Nothin' to do and no where to go-o-oh I wanna be sedated
Just get me to the airport put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Twenty-twenty-twenty four hours to go....
Just put me in a wheelchair, get me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers I can't control my brain
Oh no no no no no
Ba-ba-bamp-ba ba-ba-ba-bamp-ba I wanna be sedated

She spoke to that wish that, at times, we just want to be cut out of it for awhile. But, obviously, we can't. Not long term. I just lost a dear old friend because of that very issue. She wanted to be sedated - to NOT deal, in general, with life. I used to marvel at the things that would flip her out. I admit, I kinda thought she was acting like a baby. I understand now that she couldn't get over those "minor" things because she never dealt with the "major" things in her life. Sedation, in the form of alcohol, took her from us....way, way too early.

This sermon went on to tell us about someone she knew who was sober for the first time in 25 years. He realized that he was emotionally stuck at 15 - when he started to "sedate" himself. He never felt pain and so...he never grew.

He never felt pain and so he never grew as a person. Wow. Heavy, huh?

So maybe it's growing pains that I am experiencing. My daughter complains of those all the time. She is getting taller by the minute and is always complaining of her legs hurting.

Hmmm. So maybe I am just "growing".

Well that sucks.

I went to my girlfriend's grave on her birthday. Labor Day she would have been 48. I spent about an hour there, talking to her, bitching at her, crying over her. It was quiet there, at the cemetery. Restful, even. I felt okay when I left. I was happy that no one had come upon me talking to her. I even sang to her. I'm still mad at her. And I miss her.

Growing pains. Yup, I guess so.

Joseph & Tara's Engagement

After a very hard month for my longtime gal pal, Jeanne, she flew out, for the day, to Philly, at her son's request. It turned out to be a very good day. Congrats to the family and to Joseph and Tara.

For Adam.....here it is! (Comerica Park - May 2010)

Late August thoughts

It's a quiet morning and I can really feel it now. It's that long exhalation of breath that always seems to come at the end of the summer. The pace of life slows way, way down. It's a tiny bit uncomfortable too. All that time and no real schedule to follow. Staying up late, rising early, reading, writing, being. Not too much of that in my life, the other 11 months of the year. I wish for this time and yet, I'll be glad when it passes. In this society, to be under-scheduled means you are a loser. Not one is pounding on your door or calling you to say .."We need you to do this and this. You are sooooo important."

What crap, eh? But when was the last time you answered the question.."so, what have you been up to..?" with that long sigh and then .."I've been way busy." Nods all around. Yup. You are needed. You rate. You are important. To be busy is to be important, right? Oh no, you say. That's not how it is at all!

Right.

It goes hand and hand with the idea that we all want to be "happy". Wrong again. The real thing we all want is to be "cool". Busy and Cool are best friends in the eyes of our society. Sucks but I can almost hear you muttering....."right".

Back to my original thought. This timeless time of year. We are on the brink of school starting and schedules firing up. Most of us sport tans of one hue or another. We've been out in the world and away from our work. Unusual for us Michiganders...the tan part, right?

On the heels of my friend passing, I am looking more closely at this time. I know the laid back/just back from the lake person will soon hightail it in favor of super woman soon but just now....Sigh. I feel I need to be more observant now. My friend's 48th birthday is Labor Day this year. Funny. Labor Day..a day we usually don't labor a whole lot,right? Missing my mum and dad alot but with Kimmie gone it's a whole new thought process. 84 vs. 48. Makes their passing seem....sweeter? Lives well lived. Long lived. Long verses short. Too short.

The ideal I have of myself. How old am I? I was boating the other day with two cousins of my husband. These boys are in their early to middle 20's. And my daughter who is 11. Am I still 22 inside somewhere? Yes. But I am looking out of 48 year old eyes. Cool...mostly. Changes are afoot when it comes to my body. I think, in my friend's honor, I will work on my body this next season. Try to shed some pounds and some "weight" to get back to a lighter spirit. Don't feel close to 48 right now. Maybe in a couple of decades...?

The final resting place

For those of you who were not able to attend Kim's funeral - I wanted to give you a flavor so that it may set your heart at ease a bit.

It was a lovely day - cooler, sunny with a light breeze. That helped. It was a nice break from the 90+ days we'd been enduring.

We met at the church and Kim's casket was there. Folks who had not attended the viewing at the funeral home were able to see her for the last time. She was dressed in the lovely burgundy dress she wore to Casey's wedding in January. Rosary beads were wound around her fingers.

Slowly, we began to enter and sit down. It looked like Kori's entire pom team was already in attendance. I was so happy to see her so well supported.

The priest entered and I rose to sing "Arise, My Love".

Arise, my love, my lovely one come,
Winter is past and the rains are gone.
The flowers appear, it's the season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Who is it that appears like the dawn?
As fair as the moon, as bright as the sun?
Show me your face, let me hear your voice.
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Set me like a seal on your heart,
For love is unyielding as the grave.
The flash of it is a jealous fire,
No flood can quench,
For love is as strong as death.
Arise my love and come with me
Before the dawn breaks and the shadows flee.
You ravished my heart with just one glance
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
Do not arose or awaken love
Until it so desires.
Arise, my love, my lovely one come,
The Winter is past and the rains are gone.
The flowers appear, it's season of song,
My beautiful one, arise and come with me.
I am my Love's, my beloved is mine.
Arise and come with me.

They wheeled in her casket - a fact I was not aware of until I stood up. That was a little hard, to say the least.

The priest was gruff and very down to earth. I wasn't sure how it would be but he did a very good job of it. He obviously knew the family and that was a relief. I have sung many funerals where it was obvious that the person speaking didn't know the deceased. He was humorous and frank. The service included communion and I sang "Amazing Grace" during it. My husband played both pieces for me. The church musician was a young guy with a nice voice and he played piano and sang the service music. The priest did well to praise Kim's children and speak of their devotion to her through this last time in the hospital. Joe got up to speak and thanked everyone. Kim's old friend, Marti, (from SHS days) got up to speak and reiterated how wonderful her children had been and what a fine legacy they would be for Kim.

As the service ended and the casket was wheeled out to the hearse, my husband - a la "Big Chill" - played..."You can't always get what you want.." as a salute to our Stones-loving friend.

These photos were taken at the graveside. She is buried at Woodlawn Cemetary in Detroit. Stop in to the office for a map to her site. The stone won't be put into place for another month. Her mother's grave is kitty korner from her.

We all arrived and watched the complete burial - dirt and all. A light breeze blew and we all felt it was Kim trying to say..okay....it's okay. I'm okay.

I pray that her soul is at rest. I hope you can visit the site. It's lovely.

Missing my friend.

Today is Friday the 13th - and I'm not feeling lucky. I lost an old friend yesterday. She was due a birthday on September 6th - a day I seemed to miss every year as it was always close to Labor Day and the flurry of activity that starts the school year. Kim was quiet. She never made me feel bad that I missed the day. One year, I invited her for dinner at my house, on the day. I made sure she was unaware of the preparations made and simply asked her over to celebrate. When she arrived I had a whole table set, in the back garden, with china, music and candles. She was so touched and I was so happy to finally be able to surprise her by not only remembering but celebrating in style.

Kim didn't require alot of our friendship. She needed little coaxing to talk about her life...although that changed in the last few years. She remained fairly "open" with me. We met in Mr. Croll's English class at Stevenson High School. We were united in our distaste for this gentleman and for his obvious lack of any kind of buttocks...! We laughed alot and that made it fun, those growing years.

We travelled the rest of the school years together. It seemed as if she was always "sorry" about something. Many times I would say.."there's no need to apologize. Stop!" I knew, from the beginning, that she was different from my other friends. Darker, in spirit. I knew there had already been times in her life when she had felt worthless. Heady stuff for a teenager. She was the proverbial still water that ran deep.

After high school we lost touch for a bit. She had jumped into a marriage and was pregnant when I met up with her again at a baby shower our mutual friend threw for her. We picked up right where we had been. She was twirling with her responsibilities. Later, when I saw her in the hospital after her third child was born, I knew that her marriage was not going to hold up. She continued on, after the divorce, and she wound her life around her children. She continued to twirl - to push and prod them on to better things. Kim was a good mother back then, by most standards. I remember being impressed with her children's manners and how her first born - maybe 6 at the time - answered the phone. "James residence, Casey speaking". She insisted on it. Her southern background demanded it.

She also remained the still water. A fact we often joked about when the gal pal pack went out to dance away our troubles. We'd often joke.."Stop talking our ears off, Kim!" when, in fact she had been silent. She would wait for the right opportunity and say something that made us cry with laughter.

One time, we met for a late night bite. I can't remember if it was after something we did or if we just met up but we ate greasy yummy food. She said we had eaten "as if we were going to the chair!" I still laugh over that and pull it out on occasion, always referencing Kimber.

This last year was a hard one with Kim. She was tremendously fragile. The day of her daughter's wedding she burst into tears at breakfast. She was completely overwhelmed. Hard to say if she was dealing with her demons of shame and guilt or simply trying to wrap her mind around the obvious happiness of the day. I think she had a hard time with being happy. She was constantly stalked by Depression.

It was harder and harder for her to lay down the load she carried and laugh.

She came to see me on closing night of "Gypsy". She was so very excited about attending and told me so over and over in the month before. She thought my co-star was cute. She was always checking out folks. Always pointing out the cuties and describing what she'd do, given half a chance. Her dry humor remained with her until she slipped into a sleep that she, ultimately, would not wake up from.

She was working at St. Mary's during my mother's last week of life. She came in and paid her respects. I'm glad my mother is not here today to know that Kim passed away just short of 48th birthday. It would have hurt her.

How can I sum of a 35 year friendship? Can't. Here are just a few thoughts on our time together.. Listening to the Rolling Stones (her obsession!) and attending concerts together. Having morning coffee. Taking a walk here and there where I would prod her for info on her life and her thoughts. Sitting and talking in her kitchen or mine. How she'd listen to my stories and I'd listen to hers. Her love (and hate) relationship with food. Her amazing massage abilities. How she's have to "hole up in a closet with a flashlight" to study for all the certifications she was awarded in her life. How she walked across the stage at the Millennium Center graduation from Dorsey Business School with a little spring in her step even though she had only been out of the hospital a week. The times she and I would get away to just sit and talk about everything. She was the first friend to sit in my house, just after we closed on it and got the keys. How she commiserated when I went through a divorce. The New Year's Eves we spent together at my house with my parents when they were elderly, drinking champagne together and talking.The times she spent the night, in the basement of my childhood home and how we stayed up till dawn. Her cooking and how she always showed up with Greek salad or meatballs at the parties I threw. Her sunny send off on my wedding reception DVD - "Rose and Stephen, may you live as long as you want to and want to as long as you live!" How much she loved relating stories about her granddaughter. Her ability to tell a story - sometimes over and over! - and her delight in the telling. How proud she was of her children and their accomplishments. How I wish I had never believed her when I called her up to hang out and she said she was "fixin' to go to the store." How she will miss meeting her second granddaughter in the next few weeks. Too many regrets to mention so I won't dwell there.

She has been slowly dying this past year. She was in the hospital twice before this last time and I was always the one to be sent over to "look" at her. (I live the closest to her). I will never forget the face that greeted me on those occasions. Certainly not the face of my friend but the face of her addiction and despair. I think I finally saw the demons that stalked her all those years and it frightened me. It also made me realize that there was nothing I could do but offer love. Kimberly had a hard time accepting it. She felt unworthy, I think.

I wonder what she thought of all the people who filtered in and out of her hospital room these last couple of weeks. Or the vigil her three children kept until the moment she left them. I wonder if she is somewhere near scratching her head and saying.."Wow, they really did love me."

Yes, honey, we really did. Now we are so sad that we couldn't have told you sooner or more often - to make it stick.

The light of God surrounds you. The love of God enfolds you. The power of God protects you. The presence of God watches over you. The spirit of God lives within you. Wherever you are, God is.

Truly, my prayer is that you rest in peace, my friend. I love you and I miss you.

New Voyage

Today is the start of a new voyage. It was just that for Christopher Columbus....

According to the history books, he set sail today - a few years back - to try to find the "New World". He found something but it wasn't what he expected.

Isn't that how Life is? We set sail for adventure and we know just how it will be. We will live in a big house or travel to Venice or become a ballerina or a veterinarian... Whatever the dream we, as children, know how it will be.

As adults, we learn that it is almost never as we expected. That can be good and bad.

Right now, an old friend of mine from high school days is in ICU at a local hospital. This person is slowly dying of alcoholism. Whoa. Did not see that coming.

This person is my age! I've known this person for 30 years! I will never understand the pain that has made this horrible disease progress to the point it is today. This person did not sail off in search of this, surely.

I grew up in a family that was different by the standards of my neighborhood. I have already written reams about my parents so I won't go back over all that except to say that I grew up in love. My parents loved me and made sure that I understood that.

My friend in ICU grew up with complete dysfunction and a void of love. Maybe that was what passed for normal in that neighborhood. Not so much love and support but in a nice house. Not so much attention but with nice clothes. The italics are mine because that is not normal, in my world.

I trust that the best will come for my friend. I wish I knew the destination of that journey. I will pray for what I think is the best choice but it's not up to me.

Today, I will look at my child and see her for the wonderful person she is. I will try not to jump on the things she does "wrong" and dismiss her chatterings about nothing. It all matters. Being dismissed in life is just about the worst thing I can think of to do to a child.

Look how it affected my friend.

Thanks, Mr. Rohn, for the reminder! R.I.P., sir.

What Constitutes a Good Life? by Jim Rohn

The ultimate expression of life is not a paycheck. The ultimate expression of life is not a Mercedes. The ultimate expression of life is not a million dollars or a bank account or a home. Here's the ultimate expression of life in my opinion, and that is living the good life. Here's what we must ask constantly: "What for me would be a good life?" And you have to keep going over and over the list. A list including areas such as spirituality, economics, health, relationships and recreation. What would constitute a good life? I've got a short list.

Number one, productivity. You won't be happy if you don't produce. The game of life is not rest. We must rest, but only long enough to gather strength to get back to productivity. What's the reason for the seasons and the seeds, the soil and the sunshine, the rain and the miracle of life? It's to see what you can do with it?to try your hand. Other people have tried their hand; here's what they did. You try your hand to see what you can do. So part of life is productivity.

Next are good friends. Friendship is probably the greatest support system in the world. Don't deny yourself the time to develop this support system. Nothing can match it. It's extraordinary in its benefit. Friends are those wonderful people who know all about you and still like you. A few years ago I lost one of my dearest friends. He died at age 53 of a heart attack. David is gone, but he was one of my very special friends. I used to say of David that if I was stuck in a foreign jail somewhere accused unduly and if they would allow me one phone call, I would call David. Why? He would come and get me. That's a friend?somebody who would come and get you. Now we've all got casual friends. And if you called them they would say, "Hey, if you get back, call me and we'll have a party." So you've got to have both, real friends and casual friends.

Next on the list of a good life is your culture. Your language, your music, the ceremonies, the traditions, the dress. All of that is so vitally important that you must keep it alive. In fact, it is the uniqueness of all of us that when blended together brings vitality, energy, power, influence, uniqueness and rightness to the world.

Next is your spirituality. It helps to form the foundation of the family that builds the nation. And make sure you study, practice and teach. Don't be careless about the spiritual part of your nature; it's what makes us who we are, different from animal, dogs, cats, birds and mice. Spirituality.

Next, here's what my parents taught me: Don't miss anything. Don't miss the game. Don't miss the performance, don't miss the movie, don't miss the show, don't miss the dance. Go to everything you possibly can. Buy a ticket to everything you possibly can. Go see everything and experience all you possibly can. This has served me so well to this day. Just before my father died at age 93, if you were to call him at 10:30 or 11:00 at night, he wouldn't be home. He was at the rodeo, he was watching the kids play softball, he was listening to the concert, he was at church; he was somewhere every night.

Live a vital life. Here's one of the reasons why. If you live well, you will earn well. If you live well, it will show in your face, it will show in the texture of your voice. There will be something unique and magical about you if you live well. It will infuse not only your personal life but also your business life. And it will give you a vitality nothing else can give.

Next are your family and the inner circle. Invest in them and they'll invest in you. Inspire them and they'll inspire you. With your inner circle take care of the details. When my father was still alive, I used to call him when I traveled. He'd have breakfast most every morning with the farmers. Little place called The Decoy Inn out in the country where we lived in Southwest Idaho. So Papa would go there and have breakfast and I'd call him just to give him a special day. Now, if I was in Israel, I'd have to get up in the middle of the night, but it only took five minutes, 10 minutes. So I'd call Papa and they'd bring him the phone. I'd say, "Papa I'm in Israel." He'd say, "Israel! Son, how are things in Israel?" He'd talk real loud so everybody could hear?my son's calling me from Israel. I'd say, "Papa, last night they gave me a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." He'd say, "Son, a reception on the rooftop underneath the stars overlooking the Mediterranean." Now everybody knows the story. It only took 5-10 minutes, but what a special day for my father, age 93.

If a father walks out of the house and he can still feel his daughter's kiss on his face all day, he's a powerful man. If a husband walks out of the house and he can still feel the imprint of his wife's arms around his body, he's invincible all day. It's the special stuff with the inner circle that makes you strong and powerful and influential. So don't miss that opportunity. Here's the greatest value. The prophet said, "There are many virtues and values, but here's the greatest: one person caring for another." There is no greater value than love. Better to live in a tent on the beach with someone you love than to live in a mansion by yourself. One person caring for another, that's one of life's greatest expressions.

So make sure in your busy day to remember the true purpose and the reasons you do what you do. May you truly live the kind of life that will bring the fruit and rewards that you desire.

Fun!

I am learning about African Tongue Drums! A friend recently bequeathed me some rhythm instruments and I am playing around with them so as to be able to use them in my Montessori music classes. This was a fun video I found and thought I'd share.

Enjoy!

My gal as she ends her elementary school career!

"Everything's Coming Up Roses"

A little "Gypsy"......

Mallie at Tiger Stadium (Comeria Park)

Here she is, Boys! Here she is, World! Here's Mal!!!

Is Blogging Dead??

Hmmmm.. I have gone to three of my favorite web-blogs and NONE have been updated in months! Wow... I miss you guys!!!

I have found this venue to be a great sounding board for myself. You know when you go on and on about something....and then read it back..? I've had a few AHA's.

I may (or may not)have anyone else readying this but I do it for me. Hey - reminds me of a line in the show....

"I guess I did do it for me."
"Why Momma?"
"Just wanted to be noticed."

AMEN.

Off to the theatre!

What a ride!

Here we are, in the final week of this long odyssey called "GYPSY"! In these photos you will see two of our three amazing "strippers". Jason is our wonderful director and the handsome dark haired gentleman in the photo with Tessie/Loni. Barry also got nabbed for a photo with Loni and cutie Patrick is with me in this first photo. The lovely ladies are part of the showgirl/Toreadorables group and one plays the back end of the cow - wonderfully, I might add! Aren't they beautiful?

Three more performances left. At the end of this run, we will have completed 13 shows and countless hours of preparation. Somehow, I thought I would be relieved to be finished. After all, it's taken a toll on my time and talents, to be sure! It will take a bit of time to let go of this low belt voice I have cultivated and go back to my own range...and repertoire!

Sadly, this is not the case. I am already getting teary eyed at the thought of the final curtain call - my most favorite part of the show! (Not really!)It has been the nicest side trip I have taken in the past 6 months. It also means that I will have to face, head on, the reality that my mother is not here anymore. Do you know I actually looked for her on Opening Night? For a brief moment I wondered...."now where is she and is she okay"..? Mother's Day we had a matinee and I was okay..until the curtain came down and so did the veil that had covered my emotions for the duration. Luckily, my cast was supportive - especially Rachel who plays my grown daughter, Louise, in the show. She too has lost a parent and understands how I feel. She was right there with a warm hug. Thanks honey!

Thanks go to her for the fine, fine work she has done. It's been so much fun to work with her. She gives back everything I throw at her, onstage. It's really been a thrill to do that last great scene with her. I don't know when I have enjoyed acting as much as I do when we throw down there.

These pictures I've posted were taken by my friend, Loni, who plays Tessie in our production. Loni has been a voice student of mine for some time and I am proud to call her my friend now. I am so glad I mentioned the audition to her all this time ago. I wanted to have some friends around me in this production and she has been great - onstage and off!! Thanks!

My onstage boyfriend, Herbie, aka Barry, has been terrific and I could not have asked for a more wonderfully supportive actor to smooch with onstage. Barry, you are a lovely person and a gentleman to the core.

Everyone in our production is really great - onstage and off! This time has helped me heal a little after that dark November night. I know I sound dramatic here but really ...that was the night I had to grow up. It also helped me to play the whirlwind that is Mama Rose.

Now, I have to go back to the real world and finish the job of emptying my parents' home and going forward as the adult orphan I am today.

Thanks, cast and crew of "Gypsy" for your love, support, hugs, laughs, hard work and sparkle! It has been my privilege to share the stage with you. Thanks for the friendships and the wonderful conversations I've had with some of you at those lovely after-show parties. What fun it was to have most of you in our home that Friday night. Thanks for coming!

Finally, thanks to the Theatre Gods! You have, once again, lifted me and reminded me that life is colorful and full of gifts along the way. I promise to keep looking for them and going forward even when I'm not sure of the outcome.

After all, no one knows what's coming down the pipeline, eh? Get ready and JUMP INTO THE POOL!!!!!