Are you stocking stories?

I have been reading Eckhart Tolle's book "A New Earth". and I have to say it has been resonating with me. The idea that really hit me was the concept of a "Pain-body". The idea that we are all born with some DNA-like human pain of regret or shame or...undefined pain. It can cause some babies to cry and cry for no reason. It can cause normal people to look at life and seize upon the unkind word, the feelings of shame and holding onto stories that hold deep emotion. Mr. Tolle says that the emotion is something to sit with ...to allow. It's the story connected to it that is unnecessary and what feeds the "Pain- body".

We all do it. A memory of some slight or action against you that can bring that pain and emotion to the surface in an instance when you recall it. Or something someone said that you replay over and over...even if the incident happened 20 years ago. The body, not knowing the story is 20 years old, reacts as if it were the now, happening this moment. How can that be good for us??

On the eve of my 50th birthday - one that make me fully an adult (and I can't tell you why I feel that way) I am pledging to stop the stories in my head. To take the emotion, when it comes up, and sit in it. To take a moment to examine it and to think through the possible trigger. TO TAKE A MOMENT TO NOTE THE DATE OF THE INCIDENT.

I don't know about you but that was a big point for me to understand. What do you think?

Weird Space

I'm in a weird space. (Say, anyone ever wonder why the I before E rule doesn't apply to "weird"?)

Anyway....! Ever have this feeling..? A shame ball in your stomach? And it just shows up. You have not done anything bad per se. Yet, this feeling covers over you...

I recently found a friend of mine. Someone I was very close to 30 years ago. I have thought of this person, from time to time, and wondered...what is she doing these days? Found her. On Facebook even! I sent a quick message...no reply. Through my post another friend contacted her - reply!

Now somewhere in the ether of my youth there was a time where this person had suspicions about me that were false. I think the reason she has not responded to me is...she still believes I acted against her...with her then husband. Oddly enough, I had a great working relationship with this man because we did not have any "involvement". Here's the kicker...I am feeling shame..! Why? Because her incorrect assessment diminishes me. Yet, if it is a basic untruth...how can it?

So what is it? I think there must be some "shame ball" (my made up concept) that is planted in each of us. For some, it remains small and only occasionaly makes it's presence known. In others, it grows out of control like a cancerous tumor. I know the emotion comes from my head but I feel it in my gut. Like I am about to called to principal's office. I cannot control my friend's thought process - obviously. I guess this emotion is mixed with a dusting of sadness. She has not thought about me and therefore, our friendship all those years ago was not as close and deep as I remembered it to be.

Now who had the incorrect assesment, eh?

Closing night of "Joseph..."

Well we have closed yet another show. "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" was a success for many reasons. The company branched out to another location and we enjoyed being in a real theater! The Berman Center for the Performing Arts was fantastic and we made the most of the experience. The cast had a great time, the crew did well and we will be back!

The best part of it was the chance for Mal and I to work together. I was the Stage Left Stage Manager and she was my right hand man..er...uh..gal! I am blessed to share these kinds of experiences with my blossoming tween! The last photo is of Cathy, one of our narrators and my "sister" and Lauryn, our creative director's daughter. Thanks ladies!

Amazing footage

For many years, my mother donated money, in my honor, to this wonderful organization. Enjoy and, if you are like me, shed a tear over the sheer beauty of the moment!

For my mum...

The last two scenes of "Gypsy"

Rosh Hashanah

Self-examination and repentance is an integral part of what makes us human and able to move in our world. I will be thinking, today, on how I can be better and to think back over those I have wronged.

I am sorry if you are one that I have wronged. I was probably listening with my ears and not my heart. I am working to be a better listener to what you say ...and to what you leave unsaid.