More gratitude, please!

It's been some time since I "blogged". I guess, part of it anyway, is that life has been very hard lately. I have chosen to not work a full time job because I have a mum who has terminal cancer. She doesn't drive and is too stubborn to leave her house and come live with us. I need to be able to take her to hospital/doctor visits, the store, the pharmacy, etc. Now I travel with a wheelchair in the trunk as this is the best way for us to get things done together.

My husband has a boss who is not too great on the business end but great in the job he does. This results in problems with paychecks and billing. This trickles down to some real problems keeping the lights on at our house.

Add in some recent water problems in our basement - in my studio room too - and downright panic begins to set it. Several very scary bills on the horizon and no real clear cut path to make sure the money will be there.

I had a little melt down last night. I was in the basement and I thought I couldn't be heard. Turns out, my daughter heard me. It scared her. Now, I know we cannot shield our children from all the bad things in the world but I really felt sheepish. We had a long talk about how we deal with the "bad things" in life. How freaking out never really solves things or makes us feel better (at least beyond the first minute or two ;) . We talked about how "hard" life is right now. Then we looked at all the amazing things we have in our life.

I have a mom who is 83 years old and is still here. She can walk and talk and still be an inspiration. She was married to my father for 60 years and in love with him for most all of that time. ( I say most all because we all know that living with anyone can get on your nerves here and there.) In April, he will have been gone for two years. That was a bad time. He lives in our hearts and we remember him almost every week.

My mom just got DSL installed in her home. Cool, eh? She has lived in her home since 1956 and I don't know if she will ever be able to end that chapter of her life. We have asked her to live with us. So far, no go. But there is enough love there that that is an open ended option. Unusual? In talking to others...yup.

I have a husband whom I adore. Yup, I adore him. Do I want to smack him sometimes? Okay, sure. Again, normal I think, right? When he hugs me I feel safer. Period. Don't know why he can do that..but he can. Last night, I told my daughter ...you can read the paper and watch the news and every day there are terrible stories of unloved, unwanted kids. She has loads of people who love her and her mom and stepdad head up the list. There's safety. Always.

Someone asked recently.."when are you happy?" Was it when I was singing? Was it music that made me happy? I thought for a minute. If you know me at all you know that music is my life. I do love all aspects of it....but happy? When I am with my husband and daughter I am happy. It's an easy decision. It can be at the dinner table or watching a movie..anything.. That old happy thing creeps up and is right there under the covers along with our cat, Amy. As Kander and Ebb once wrote.."It's a Quiet Thing".

Did I mention my talented, smart, lovely daughter? Okay...don't have the time to write all my thoughts here about her. She has been my reason for being the best me I can be for a very long time now. I love to watch her "becoming". I love to listen to how she sees the world. I feel confident she will, one day, "give back" to this planet and it's people. Not sure how yet..just know it.

I have friends. Not a slew of them. A handful of really close friends whom I admire and love. I have lots of friends who kinda know me and that's cool. I have a handful of friends who really know me ...and still like me.

Money...sigh. Still working on a friendship there. Maybe I can work through why that's been a rocky road for me but I will say that I am actively courting it, trying to make it more black and white/green. Trying to see it as a tool and I am working to learn the skills to operate it.

I am so thankful that I can see this most every day. I can see that I have a loving family - I haven't even mentioned my in-laws and bro-in-law. I do believe I am loved and that is really what keeps me going. Geez, that is schmaltzy, eh?

Damn if it ain't true.

So glad I can ramble here and get some stuff out of my head. If you have read this far...you must really be bored! Go read a good book! Or call me and let's do lunch.

Cross that off. Make it coffee - it's cheaper!

My Valentine

My Valentine is my friend, my confidante, my lover, my accompanist (!), my supporter, my window, my husband. We've been together for almost 6 years and I am crazy about this man. He is kind and gentle, funny and crazy, talented and poised, supportive and calming and too many other things to mention. He is my rock. I can always count on a fresh perspective from him. He is unfailingly romantic and is always surprising me with flowers. He loves my daughter like a "real" dad and takes care of her with gentleness and love. He takes care of me too. We take care of each other.

These are some of the photos of us taken over the years. (The one of me in pink was before we started dating...I was in love with him already..;)

I am grateful that I am loved. May we all be so blessed. Happy Valentine's Day to everyone!

School is closed!

This is how it feels outside today! Happy Winter, Michigan. Wow. I think the actual temperature was -6 or something but the Wind Chill Factor was something like -40 so NO SCHOOL TODAY! I'm almost as excited as Mal! Of course, it means I am wide awake and up and about. No sleeping in for me, I'm afraid. My little brain starts whirring like a squirrel in a cage. I do love these quiet mornings!

And it always makes me think "grateful" thoughts. Grateful for the comfort of my family on such a cold day. The quiet of my house intensified by the quiet upstairs - husband and child safe and warm in their beds. I think of all those, in this world, with no such luxury. No safety and no warmth to allow them to relax and dream. I think about that alot.

Then there's the food in my fridge. I went grocery shopping yesterday and brought my housebound mum food as well. Lots of food to prepare, at my leisure... Another luxury in this world, yeah?

The warmth, too, is a gift. I was able to pay the DTE bill yesterday. Lots of folks in the cold this morning and I think on them too.

I thank God for my wonderful husband. To be loved is an amazing thing and I wasn't sure I'd be given this gift again. Whew.

I am grateful for the health and well-being of my child. She is optimistic, talented and aware. Healthy too. How many out there are caring for ill children? God bless you! How many are at bedsides...or gravesides today...? Thank you God!

I think of my ex who is trapped in a world of depression and darkness and I am grateful to be....grateful!

So, now you can understand why I am up and drinking coffee on a cold, dark, snowy morning.

Thanks for reading. What makes you grateful?

Betty on the Episcopalians!

My friend, James, posted this on Facebook and it's a scream!

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A close encounter.....!!!

It's been a little while since I wrote here. I didn't have a lot to say, I guess. Then BAM! Here's a story for ya!

I was on the road to visit my good friend, Q, who lives in Rochester Hills. On the drive up, I was chatting with my husband on the phone. Got off the freeway and was sitting at the light at University and Squirrel. (Did I mention this was 9:30 in the morning?) I had just put down the phone and was preparing to shift as the light changed when BAM!!!!!!!! I look up in shock, wondering what truck hit me and ...nothing! I look left - I look right - and see THREE DEER running like hell across the hill. WHOA! One or two of them ran, through traffic, and hit my car. Totaled the side mirror - that flew off and crashed into a million pieces - crunched the side panels of the drivers' side.... Turns out to be abut $2300 in damages.

Funny, when you think we had just driven home from up north the week before...at dusk! Ya know dusk and dawn are the best time to view deer ... UP THERE!!!

I was a bit shaken, to say the least. I immediately pulled into the circle drive of Oakland University - just ahead of me - and called my husband back. He did his best to calm me down as I went into shock.

I was able to pull myself together and make it to Q's house some 2-3 miles away.

Q showed me this article.... http://www.theoaklandpress.com/articles/2008/11/19/news/local_news/doc4923e2f89cd10066444220.txt

Whoa. Turns out the city is NUMBER ONE in deer related accidents. Wow. The body shop I took my car to said they fix 100 cars a year that have had a run in with deer.

If you look closely at the photos of the car door handles you will see bits of fur!

I was all for protesting this deal in Rochester but, after first hand knowledge of the problem, I can see the point of city government. Cull the herd and feed the people.

Ahhh, the simple pleasures......!

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Pray for peace, people everywhere

A new year and I feel behind already. I have no real "plan" for the year...no resolutions....no outline. Geez. I really feel I need to spend some time writing and deciding what I want to do and be this year.

I know I need to carve out some self love time. I need to plan my meals. Plan some cultural time. Plan to read some really good books. I need to decide on an exercise regime.

I need to think about my guilt as being both mom and dad now that my ex has fallen out of the picture again. I know my lovely husband does his best but I do feel alot falls on me to make things happen. In looking over last years' planning calendar it looks as if Mal only spent 5 or 6 full weekends with her father ALL YEAR. There were long stretches where there was no contact. Perhaps nearly 3 months in total.

Wow.

Compassion work seems to be high on the to-do list.

Crap.