A very merry Un-Birthday to you, to you!

So here I am in the second month of 2015 and feeling a bit ....unsettled. No, that's not the right word. Anchorless. Can that apply to a person?

It's a cold yet sunny morning in late February and I am stuck on a project. Can't get my creative juices flowing and when that happens I write. I do that to get my brain focused and percolating. That's something I haven't felt much of this week. Hmmm, I could blame it on the cold. While we haven't had as many "snow" days as last winter we have had more "cold" days where the temperature and wind chill numbers were too nasty and dangerous for kids that need to wait on buses or push their way through high snow piles frozen nearly solid.

I look at the calendar and see that we are almost at the end of the month and that when I flip the calendar I see it.... my birthday. Ah ha! Now I get it. The slight depression, the lethargy, the feeling that I am adrift....

COME ON, you say, IT'S JUST A BIRTHDAY! IT'S JUST A NUMBER, you say.... Nope, that is not it.  I don't really care what the number is. No, really.

This feeling of being adrift from the nuclear family I was raised in could be at the center. That may be the root of these feelings. It's another year farther from that time. The period of my life when I could pick up the phone and be in contact with my loved ones.  I mean, geez, that sounds rather dramatic, doesn't it? What I mean to say is....I have lost people, as we all have, and I miss them very much...in a nutshell. Those people helped define my past and helped shape me into the person I am today. My birthday is my yearly milestone of time passing.

There's nothing to mark it.... I mean not like a major holiday. A birthday is your own moment. You wake up on your "day" and you feel....something. Most of the population wakes up and it's Monday. You walk out of your house and you may feel like there is a cloud around you...a cloud that announces to the world..."hey, today's a special day for me.." However, the Monday folks are going about their lives and there is nothing to celebrate.  For the majority of the population it's an UN-BIRTHDAY, if you will.

Curious about how the rest of the world deals with birthdays? Take a look here.

Okay...so let's recap.... It may appear that I expect a party when I leave my door on March 2nd. Right? Is that what you are gleaning from my rambling thus far?

Sorry, it was a misdirect. What is really happening here is this. I miss people. On this one day of the year, I keenly feel the passage of time. More so than a major holiday when there are so many things to do....cook, clean, plan....

For the last ten years, or so, I have offered a gathering at my house. A winter celebration using my birthday as the marker. I started it when I was divorced and cut off from the "family" I thought I had. I turned to my family of friends and my nuclear family to remind myself that I was not alone. What I wanted, for my birthday, was to be surrounded by my friends, my family.... To not feel alone.

There, I knew if I wrote long enough, the truth would be outed.

My father has been gone from this earth since 2006, my mother since 2009. My friend, Kim, has been gone since 2010 along with my friend, Jay, in 2013 and my friend Ken in 2014. Every year I age...they do not.  Strange thought, that.

I wonder how older people feel. The really old ones that live long, long lives. People like Alice Herz-Sommer who lived to be 110. She outlived most members of her family including her only child, her son Raphael.  How did she feel on her birthdays, I wonder?

So now I have to decide, as we all decide, how I will move forward. How do I carry all those memories, those longings, the grief of not seeing those faces anymore...? Or maybe I should see it differently. Maybe it is the one day of the year that I allow all that to come bubbling to the surface. I allow all those feelings to remind me that I am still on the earth and that I still have the opportunity to build memories in someone else's heart. I am not alone when I allow those people to come to mind.  I know that they are in my heart to access anytime I wish.

This will take a little thought.

Until I have fished through all those feelings I will not feel like I have celebrated another year lived, another year gone on the calendar.

I think that may be why I miss my childhood birthdays so much. Things were a lot simpler then, right?

Ahhh, the trials of adulthood.

I have nothing deep or profound to share to end this all. Only this small realization......I will strive to allow myself to feel all those memories and ghosts on my "day" and maybe allow myself a moment to thank them all for what they have given me. The good and the bad.

I am the sum total.

And I need to remind myself.......I am enough.

2015....nope...2014!

Well, well, well... Feeling a bit stuck this fine sunny morning late in February. Decided to see if I could write myself out of this slump. I open my blog and realize....GASP. I never wrote a thing for the calendar year of 2014!

For my own benefit and to make last year seem like it counted for something...here are my recollections of last year..

December 2014

Hello there!

With seasonal music playing and the tree lit, I feel in the mood to sit and write a little. With Thanksgiving being later this year I feel rather behind in all the holiday preparations.  Our house is filled with family at Christmas and I like to create as nice an environment as I can so that everyone feels relaxed and welcomed. Growing up, I always dreamed of having a house full at Christmas and I channel my mother every year as I pore over cookbooks and come up with special dishes to serve the large gang here on Christmas Day. I love it.  Trying to keep of good humor can be difficult during hectic times and although I like to keep up on current events the morning news is, recently, very hard to listen to.  Don’t you agree? Perhaps that’s we love to share a good cat video or some cute baby that laughs at the sound of paper being ripped. Sigh. What brought a smile to your face in 2014 and reminded you of the good in the world?

Last January we endured the deep cold and heavy snow of my childhood….and I loved it! Do you know we had 6 or 7 snows days in that month alone?  There is something downright delicious when you wake up on a dark, snowy morning to the school closing alert and know you can climb right back into your warm bed for another hour of sleep. Steve and I made a short video of me throwing water up into the night sky and watching it turn to smoke on one of those -15 degree evening. Wow!

Sky’s the Limit Productions, the youth theater I have been with for over a decade, auditioned and cast “101 Dalmations” with K-6^th grade kids. We had a blast putting on the show a couple of months later. This was our first time doing a show with kids in that age range and they did a marvelous job. As usual, we had two casts of kids and with that fun music and all those spotted dogs….well, it was a lot of fun.

In February we visited my brothers-in-law in Cleveland. Yup, while some of us gravitate to warmer climates, during school breaks, we brave the elements and head to another one of the Great Lakes. This time Stephen was able to meet us and we had a great time. We love to go to the Westside Market, catching shows at various museums and dining out.

March was the start of another production and this time we did a version of “Peter Pan”. A lot of fun. Say, did you watch the recent live television version of it? I wasn’t home and forgot to DVR it so I could only play catch up through YouTube clips. What did you think? Interesting production but I have to say I was completely underwhelmed by Mr. Christopher Walken in the role of Captain Hook.

In May my car, Edmund, died and I bought a chocolate brown Kia Rondo that I christened “Campbell” – a female car this time around. I love it and it has really come in handy to drive an automatic now that Mallory is taking Drivers Ed. (Yikes!)

She went back into the Marching Band Color Guard for the second year and loved it. The kids worked very hard and made it to the State Finals at Ford Field (Detroit)  this year. With a group of 60 they went up against bands of 140 and 160 kids but we felt they sounded great and looked just as strong. Steve, being a former Drum Major back in his high school days in Traverse City, enjoyed the season and was able to come with me to most of the games and competitions.

The summer brought new opportunities to travel and we enjoyed time up north with Mal and even without her as she attended Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp for the third year, playing cello. Watching the fireworks on Traverse Bay, just Steve and I,  was a little strange but we thought of her at camp and knew she was having fun with all her mates.

Unfortunately, while I was out and about, that week of the 4^th of July, my email account was hacked and I had to close down my long standing email address.  The old SBCGOBAL account is kaput. I really liked that address. Geez!

At the end of August, I had the chance to visit a gal pal who moved to San Diego earlier this year. I spent 10 days hanging out with her, traveling to many costal communities and seeing the sunset on as many beaches as I could. After a long summer of teaching theater camp I welcomed the chance to kick back and get away from it all while Mal was at band camp and Steve worked on several large organ restoration jobs. Southern California is spectacle.

In September, we auditioned over 300 kids and adults in one wild week casting “Annie” and “Sound of Music”.  The first ran in November and we will open S.O.M. at the end of next month.  We did “Annie” with two casts as we have in the past but with the turn out we had for the latter the decision was made to have THREE casts. Rehearsals have been fun and it’s great to see the groups get stronger as we inch closer to “Sound of Music” opening.

October was busy as Stephen prepared a score to play on the theater organ for the 1922 silent film, “Nosferatu”. Playing twice, at Masonic Temple and the Michigan Theater, he was asked to do a couple of the morning newscasts to promote the shows and it was great fun to tune in and watch. Mallory and I were able to go to the Ann Arbor performance and experience 800 people giving my husband a standing ovation.

November saw Mal getting braces (!) and started her driving lessons. As usual, at Thanksgiving, we traveled up to Steve’s folks in TC and enjoyed a longer vacation by the lake. Taking off a Sunday from our church, the three of us were the music for the service at his folks’ church.  Mallory deigned to sing a duet with her old mum and we enjoyed the laid back atmosphere of this lovely little congregation.

And now here we are in December. It’s about 50 degrees outside right now and I can only hope for a White Christmas. Either way, I know it will be a time spent with family and friends. I am really looking forward to it. I hope this letter finds you in good health and great spirit. We send our best wishes for a wonderful holiday season and pray for a peaceful New Year.

Happy Christmas. God bless us, everyone.

The Last Day of the Year.

Amazing stuff from my friend, Jay, who passed away less than 2 weeks later from a massive heart attack.

This has been an interesting year. A littler quieter than some and full of surprises....some bad and some not so bad.

Per usual, we are out at the lake and looking out over snow and ice. The outside thermometer reads 6 degrees. This Christmas Day I did a roast beast and Yorkshire pudding and the group of 10 loved it. We had a lovely time of it. I am always happiest when the house is full of family and friends.

Michele and I were able to see DHOOM 3 at the Star Southfield and loved it!!! What fun memories and yes, I did see both Mal and I several times!!!!!

Tonight will be cold out on Front Street watching that huge Cherry drop down and into a new year.

Friends and family will be swirling around me... Mum and Dad, Kimber and Jay among them.

The best we can wish for in 2014 is to do one better than 2013. Be a bit more kind, a bit more smart, a bit more aware and be a bit more open.

God bless us, everyone, and Happy New Year to you and yours.

If I won the lottery

Okay, so all of us have seen the news and know that the Mega Millions Jackpot is something like $550 million dollars, right? Today is Monday and I really need to finish packing up my family's gifts. I need to make the pilgrimage to the post office to mail off all the goodies and I know the line will be long.. So I am blogging.

What to do first? Call my tax man and put him on retainer. Call my lawyer and set up a trust for my daughter. Practical, right?

Offer my house to my next door neighbors. I have thought of this a lot. Really nice family that moved here from Sri Lanka and, several years ago, adopted a lovely little girl from within their large family. I would want to move to a larger home that would accommodate friends and family and work.

Work? Well, I would want to build a patronage and that would take some space. Ideally, I would like to  have a concert/recording space to use and offer to others. There would also be a small staff I would like to gather to work on researching the various charities and needs in our state and our world. Never having had a lot of money in my life I would like some of this lottery money working to change, not only my family's life, but the lives of people who need that leg up.

It goes, without saying, that I would fund some medical trials to find a viable end to breast cancer.
Maybe fund projects such as this..?!

I would, most certainly, want to buy property on Lake Michigan - Good Harbor Bay if at all possible.
(This place I would buy, outright. I know this place well.)

Then there are my family and their financial pressures.  What a joy to be able to sit down with people you love and say..."What are your needs but, more importantly, what are your dreams?"

I would love to have a house and land to be able to buy art and help sustain artists that need to be seen.

I would have an extremely cool weekend planned and invite those people in my life that I want to say thank you to.  Rent a castle or something amazing like that...... Hmm... an island instead.....I am looking at the weather here right now!

And then there is travel. Sigh. Having those experiences I have dreamed of all my life and sharing them with  my daughter and husband. Kathmandu, Hong Kong, Machu Picchu, Bali, the Loire Valley, Lhasa, Budapest, Istanbul, Petra, Cairo, San Jose (Costa Rica), The Seychelles Islands, Cape Town, Buenos Aires, Nimbin (AU), Sapporo, Quebec City, Lima...  A full passport, for sure.

Okay....enough. It's time to get back to more mundane things. I hope whomever wins tomorrow night will have just a bit of a global mindset. After all, how many things can you buy before you "buy" dissatisfaction?

Personally, I will keep my fingers crossed.

Bliss

As the title suggests, "bliss" is the emotion of the moment. The emotion is defined as "complete happiness or spiritual joy." Some sources explain it as "extreme ecstasy or extreme happiness". For me, bliss is a more gentle, softer emotion. The word comes to mind as I sit here, on a couch, drinking pumpkin spice coffee and looking out over a winter wonderland of snow, sunshine and the blue of the lake beyond. It is the day before Thanksgiving and, as usual, our family is gathered, up north, to celebrate the holiday and unplug. (Funny, as I am currently plugged in via my cell Wi-Fi hotspot!)

"Bliss" was how my friend, Jay, usually signed his letters and cards. He passed away on Saturday, 11/23 at the age of 50. He was out in the woods on the first day of Deer Hunting Season. He was found next to his ATV, a deer lashed to the top or side or something. It would appear that he died from a massive heart attack but I don't know for certain. The irony here, of course, is the fact that Jay had directed and produced a documentary about hunting.

I was talking to my husband, this morning, telling him "Jay" stories... Not my personal memories but memories of his stories. The meeting of the Dalai Lama in London wearing Packer sweats....the party at the Playboy Mansion.....the crazy feeling of being a celebrity at Sundance when his film, "Employee of the Month" premiered. Then there are my recollections of our time together doing summer stock all those years ago in little Clinton, Iowa. Jay had been cast as Marcellus in "Music Man" and, every night, him and Tom stopped the show with "Sadder but Wiser Girl". Many nights spent laughing, talking and laughing some more. He was such an intense young man and felt things so deeply. Although we were only to meet up a handful of times over the next few decades, we kept in touch via his wonderful letters, phone calls, etc. I treasure a VHS tape sent the Christmas he was first on "In Living Color". He literally took a video camera along with him and showed off his new L.A. apartment as well as filming a day on the FOX lot, even including backstage during a show taping.  Today the word "bliss" rings in my ears and I know it's him saying.."it's okay." It's gonna take awhile for me. I can only imagine that he entered the gates of Valhalla and was greeted by many that were waiting for him to join the party.

Much more on Jay here......  And here is a reel, shown at his memorial in L.A., of some of Jay's work.

A favorite Jay Leggett story of mine...was one he told to me and alluded to in the last paragraph. He was in London directing "Tony and Tina's Wedding" and being put up in a hotel in the posh Mayfair district. Upon hearing a commotion in the streets, he looked out and saw a procession of Buddhist monks and people filling up the street in front of the hotel. He wandered down, in Packers sweats of course, and stepped out the front door and right up to the Dalai Lama who was entering. Of course he was tempted to introduce himself using a Bill Murray bit but, his Midwestern roots kicked in and he was respectful. He laughed, as he told the story, that a friend had travelled to Nepal to meet the DL only to miss him or be turned away or something.. Jay met him in Packers sweats.. Only darling Jay.

My mother passed away on 11/22/09 and we had to plan her funeral just before Thanksgiving that year. Jay will be buried on 11/27. I will always be able to remember the date now of when he left us.

A Summer of ....? - Part One

Whew! Here we are. The last Friday of Summer "Vacation". Labor Day weekend is here.

Listening to "Moses and Marco Polo Suite with Yo-Yo Ma... Lovely!  I was on the front porch for a bit but the humidity chased me off.

So I am here, in the living room, with Miss Amy sprawled across the rug looking very, very relaxed. She lays on her back and bears more than a passing resemblance to a sea otter floating across the ocean trying to open a sea urchin!

I digress....Summer "Vacation"...yes. The word "vacation" is defined as.."A period of time devoted to pleasure, rest, or relaxation, especially one with pay granted to an employee." Okay, let's look at this.

First off, my husband and I are, for the most part, self employed. You should see the pile of 1099 forms at tax time. No pay granted for time off here. After having spent time in the cubicles and offices of the business world, I have to say that I do like that fact that every day is different, for me. I miss the camaraderie and the gathering around the coffee station to talk over the previous evening's events or to catch up on the latest gossip. Sometimes I miss the clockwork of being paid on the 15th and 30th of every month. I don't miss the morning commute or the office politics or the dictation of my time. Trade- offs, to be sure.

So I wanted to take a moment and account for my time - my summer time - here - to remind myself of why my life is as it is and why, for the most part, I continue to chose to go on as I do.

The month of June was a whirlwind of activities. Mallory turned 14 and we celebrated in a very laid back fashion. I remember how my mother always made every birthday feel special and that has passed on to me and how I want my daughter to feel. What does a 14 year old love to do? Go to the mall, of course!!! So Mr. Stephen and I took Mal to the mall and we shopped. First stop was the food court and then we hit all her favorite stores. Now, I have to add here, we do almost 95% of our clothes shopping in resale stores. Mal and I have a lot of fun finding treasures. The concept of getting a lot for a little and recycling to boot has helped her understand and appreciate value vs. consumerism. As much as she loves to visit the mall with friends she is also a bit put out by the cost of things - I am too! The mall represents a bit of freedom from parents and a chance to hang out and be. I get that.

Okay, so we had a very nice evening together and she proclaimed it one of the best birthdays ever. She did have a birthday sleepover on that Friday, complete with ice cream cake and a birthday breakfast for the gals the next day. That was also the day of the 8th Grade Party at school which I was able to work a few hours at. It was a giant outdoor event that was well planned and the kids really had a great time. It was a special birthday and I was very satisfied that her "well" got filled that week.

I write of the "well" of love, support and family spirit that keeps us going through the worst moments of self doubt, betrayal or disappointment. My parents did a fine job of that. As I get older and hear more stories of friends and family I now see that that is, quite often, not the norm.

Marching Band began to, quickly, take over the summer plans. Mal joined the Color Guard in May and marched in her first parade on Memorial Day. She starts as a Freshman next week. What a terrific intro to her high school career. June saw a three day "mini-camp" for the Marching Band and she jumped in with both feet. It will be a great group to see her over the hump of High School Daze!

 

 

 

A Summer of ...? Part Two

Continuing on with the month of June..... We started our usual round of Summer Theater Camp. This year was different as we changed venues and were at two locations. According to the Sky's the Limit website we worked with 187 kids ranging in age from 4 - 15 years old. We had six performances and, hopefully, sparked some children to continue to seek out new experiences and to not be fearful of new environments nor meeting other kids. It was a very successful season and we worked well, as a team.

We had a unique family experience, mid month, to attend the Detroit Gold Cup Boat Races. We were on the lawn of an amazing house - neighbors on the block include the Mayor of Detroit and Kid Rock - and were right in the thick of the action! Man, those boats are LOUD!!

Mal on Memorial Day. First FHSMB parade!

I travelled to the Thumb with my longtime gal pal to be a part of her nephew's graduation party. It was a fun trip filled with a bit of drama, lots of laughter and excellent food.

On the beach in the Thumb
 

And then we went right into the 4th of July - the traditional mid-point of the Summer Season. Up north we went and met up with my brother-in-law and his partner and my in-laws. Cherry Festival in Traverse City and we hit the midway!

Cherry Festival 2013
 

Three of us on the Detroit River for the Detroit Gold Cup Races

Mal headed off, on the 4th, with her dad to the U.P. and a family reunion, of sorts there. Watching the fireworks over the Bay is something we look forward to every year. I missed Mal like crazy but I knew she was also watching the spectacle overlooking Lake Michigan and knew she was having fun.

Returning refreshed, we jumped back into Summer Camp and Marching Band practices. Stephen landed a big contract (!!!!) and continued the treks back and forth to Saginaw, working as a team on another big project there. Mal and I had the chance to stop and see the progress. The church is amazing and we enjoyed seeing the place.

I continued to teach and to work the camps. My studio was able to put on a lovely recital at First Presbyterian in South Lyon at the top of August. I was scurrying around and neglected to take a single photo - drat. It was a lovely morning, nonetheless, and I was very proud of what the singers presented.

August was also the point where we parted company with Mallory. She headed off to Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp to study cello and have a great orchestral experience. This is her second year and she had a great time.

Our girl just after placement auditions

Camper and Alumni!

Stephen and I enjoyed some great beach time, both with friends and alone, and also managed to squeeze in a romantic bed and breakfast weekend as well. Here is the link for this lovely destination!

Breakfast at the Hexagon House!

My love and I on the beach in Ludington

So Mal had her session at Blue Lake and we reconnected with friends, had cocktails and some relaxing dinners on the porch.

Got in some Summer Reading as well and here is what I got through....

"Vampires of Hollywood" by Andrienne Barbeau. If you are old enough to remember "Maude" then you will recognize the name. A fun romp tied into lots of real locales.
"When Madeline was Young" by Jane Hamilton. I have read a couple other novels by this author, all very good.
"22 Britannia Road" by Amanda Hodgkinson. This novel is really amazing and follows two Poles that each get through the horrors of WW2 in their own ways. Amazing read.
"In the Company of the Courtesan" by Sarah Dunant. A very interesting look into a 16th century Italy and how one woman strives to survive and make a name and a living for herself and her partner. A real thought provoker of how certain women struggled to work the system....
"My Antonia" by Willa Cather. I can't believe I am just getting to this classic. I highly recommend it!
"The Namesake" by Jhumpa Lahiri. This was made into a movie, as stated on the cover, but I have not seen it. A very good read about cultures colliding.
"Nightwoods" by Charles Frazier. A strange read but very compelling.
"Barefoot" by Elin Hilderbrand. I very much enjoyed this novel about two sisters and a friend who spend a summer season on Nantucket Island. Very interesting characters who are all at a crossroad, of one kind or another.
"Bossy Pants" is a really fun romp through the life and mind of Tina Fey.
"Mr. Murder" by Dean Koontz. I have read so many of his books that I was happy to see I had missed one. Always fun!

At the end of the Blue Lake session we met up with Steve's parents to enjoy the final concert of the season.

March of Carmen

Amazing Grace arr. Elliot Del Borgo

Declarations, Jeffrey Bishop

By Loch and Mountain, Robert Smith

Fiddler's Fantasy, Ron Sadlier

Viva La Vida, Coldplay

Overture to Nabucco

 

We had a quick lunch and we were off to take Mal to Marching Band Camp at Camp Pendalouan. This is a YMCA camp set on Big Blue Lake. It was a really lovely setting for the kids to spend the week working their tails off to learn more of their competition set for Fall competitions. Steve and I got back home and continued to work the week until it was time to return, again, to the west side of the lake to get the Malster. We got a chance to see a display of the band and all they had learned in their week together. Mal was tired but happy - and CELL PHONE FREE for three weeks! Wow. Her first question to me...after a hug ..was "Did you bring my phone?"

 

We got in the car and drove up to the big lake for a wedding of a childhood friend of Steve's. This couple has been together for 10 years and decided to make it official. They chose Twin Lakes State Park and it was a perfect setting!!

All in all, it has been a good summer filled with fulfilling work, reconnection with family and friends and time on the beach. Lake Huron, Long Lake, Blue Lakes - little and big - and the Mama of all, for this trio, Lake Michigan. Hope your summer has been a time to kick back, even for an evening, and ponder the wonder of Summer in Michigan...or wherever you might be!